since i graduated high school
I'm seeing some of my friends graduate from high school and sometimes it seems like there's so little difference between where they are and where I am now. It's hard for me to admit, but I feel lost. I believe that the experiences that a person has in their life constantly shape and enhance who they are. I feel like, since I was 18, six years ago, I've had so many expereinces and gone through so many changes, but I have no idea what they all mean. I guess I'm always so sure of myself that I rarely take the time to interpret what impact certain things have had on me. I guess with a lot of these things, I really don't ingest them completely because I don't want them to affect who I am or the funtioning of my life. I've had both of the only grandfathers I've ever known pass away, and a grandmother die, and a close cousin die, and an uncle, and a dog. I have never really processed any of those events. The day my grandmother died, I was running late to meet some friends at Dave & Busters and I was more annoyed at my tardiness than her death. Who am I? Why can't I feel more about these things? Have I lost the ability to have significant attachments as a defense against the pain of loss? Or do I just have a positive view of death, and memories, and peace?
Also, I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I'm constantly failing and making huge mistakes. I'm aging faster than I can keep up with. It seems so recent that I was 21, or 19. I feel like I still look the same as I did then, but do I? What physical changes am I ignoring? What parts of the aging process do I refuse to accept? My parents still seem so young to me. They're energetic and in pretty good physical condition. They've still got all their mental faculties. But in reality, they're getting pretty old. How can I deal with that? How can I get the most from my time with them while still creating a life for myself?
It's been six years since I graduated from high school. In the next six years, will I have a professional job? A family of my own? Can I deal with beaing married? Will I be responsible enough to have a child? In six years I'll be 30. I still have so much growing up to do. I want so much but I don't see how I can fit it all in while I'm young.
I'm working on this Masters degree for the next two years. I'd like a Doctorate but then why am I wasting my time at this school when I could go into a Doctorate program directly? And am I even in the right field? And how can I fit in kids to this education/career schedule? I want a big family but I have so much to do before I can even think about getting pregnant. Or maybe I was meant to not have any kids. Maybe my goals are different from the goals I would have if I were meant to be a mother.
I've gone through the past six years pretty much full throttle. I had some pretty spectacular adventures but I haven't really stopped to "smell the roses." Do I really know myself so well? Do I have any idea what I want? How can I make sure I find significance in the next six years instead of feeling like my life passed by as a blur of fast-paced memories without any tangible results?
I'd like to find meaning in the things I do. Instead I just feel like I'm in a hurry to get things done but I don't even know where I'll be when I finish. When will I come to the point when I can sit back and say, I'm doing what I want to be doing and there's nothing I have to accomplish and no next step I have to move on to after this? What is the final point at the end of all this? When will I have done what I wanted instead of feeling like there's so much left to do?