Life is messy, amiright?
It's a sign of how much this type of abuse upsets me that I can't even read a fictional account of it as part of a fairytale re-write.
Yes, there are loads of kinds of abuse and they're all terrible in their own right - I'm definitely not saying this is worse than some other kind - it just hits me in all the wrong places.
It's that sort of abuse that make physically abused women go back to their attacker. That jealous, protectiveness that turn people into dolls or possessions. That kind of abuse that is very closely assimilated into many cultures as being good. You want to protect those things that are most precious, right? Why wouldn't you? And this is how it gets justified to the victim.
"No, you can't see your friends/family/people outside of me because I want you to myself. You're all I have."
"No, you can't go anywhere alone because I want you to be safe."
"I want you to wear/do/say/have x, y, z because I like it and you want to please me, don't you?"
These sorts of things. That sound perfectly reasonable. And aren't.
A lot of it, I see in bdsm-based fanfic, and it upsets me. Yes, those are things that people might want in a scene - but I also feel like sometimes people writing it, don't get why that sort of degradation could be appealing - and why it shouldn't be used on people who aren't in that sort of relationship where it can stop.
Those little mind games that the abuser insinuates into a conversation, the 'I know what's best for you, I know what's important, I am the end-all-be-all of your existence' mentality. I get it, some people want that. There is definitely a difference though between a healthy relationship with elements of that dynamic, and one that is an inch away from violence. I don't find it safe. Or empowering. And it's all too close to what makes the rift between equality for women and men so wide. Imbalance of power. Wanting to keep others in their place. Wanting control.
Anyhow. It makes me really uncomfortable. Wanted to put it on paper, so-to-speak.
Yes, there are loads of kinds of abuse and they're all terrible in their own right - I'm definitely not saying this is worse than some other kind - it just hits me in all the wrong places.
It's that sort of abuse that make physically abused women go back to their attacker. That jealous, protectiveness that turn people into dolls or possessions. That kind of abuse that is very closely assimilated into many cultures as being good. You want to protect those things that are most precious, right? Why wouldn't you? And this is how it gets justified to the victim.
"No, you can't see your friends/family/people outside of me because I want you to myself. You're all I have."
"No, you can't go anywhere alone because I want you to be safe."
"I want you to wear/do/say/have x, y, z because I like it and you want to please me, don't you?"
These sorts of things. That sound perfectly reasonable. And aren't.
A lot of it, I see in bdsm-based fanfic, and it upsets me. Yes, those are things that people might want in a scene - but I also feel like sometimes people writing it, don't get why that sort of degradation could be appealing - and why it shouldn't be used on people who aren't in that sort of relationship where it can stop.
Those little mind games that the abuser insinuates into a conversation, the 'I know what's best for you, I know what's important, I am the end-all-be-all of your existence' mentality. I get it, some people want that. There is definitely a difference though between a healthy relationship with elements of that dynamic, and one that is an inch away from violence. I don't find it safe. Or empowering. And it's all too close to what makes the rift between equality for women and men so wide. Imbalance of power. Wanting to keep others in their place. Wanting control.
Anyhow. It makes me really uncomfortable. Wanted to put it on paper, so-to-speak.