Blah
So, for the first time in my life, I am alone on Thanksgiving.
I had plans to go to Will and Caryn's, but I guess Renee couldn't wake me up (I've really been sleeping like crap this week, I never set an alarm because we didn't discuss when we were planning to leave, and someone knocking on my door alone isn't going to do much to rouse me; had she actually called me on my phone that might have made a difference) so she left without me. I don't think I missed her by all that much, I suppose I could have made a phone call and followed if I really wanted to. I did have one other of those "oh, you have no where else to go, poor thing, you can come with me if you want" invitations, but I didn't make that phone call either. Tell you the truth, I wouldn't have accepted the invitation to Caryn and Will's had Renee not been going as well.
I really don't have any business disrupting other people's family gatherings, which is what this was. I'm not quite close enough to anyone around here for that. I never feel comfortable in places where I know I don't belong. I don't really get why invitations like this get extended over the holiday anyway. I'm alone all the fucking time, three hundred and sixty three days a year and no one gives a shit. What's one more day? What's so fucking special about this one day? Does someone think its going to make a big difference, if I get to come out and feel (or at least they think I feel) a part of the crowd for one day before slinking back into my corner where I belong? It doesn't. It really doesn't.
Someone on my friend's list posted something about being an outcast and how that never really changes, that is somewhat similar to what's been going through my head the last several days. Its never been much of a surprise to me, things don't really change much from high school, people's personalities are fairly well developed by that point; if you're an asshole in high school you'll probably stay an asshole, if you're an outcast you'll stay that way (unless of course you suddenly become either very attractive or very rich, the sort of things that always make people want to be around you; alas, I did neither). I never really thought that would change, I may have hoped for a while that I could find somewhere that I belonged in but that hope is very dead now.
For whatever reason, I think being involved with a group on a peripheral basis somehow makes things worse. I remember making a comment to Dominic, when I had been going to the grove a few months before he first showed up, how he quickly managed to make some real friends there whereas I never did; I'm still just that creepy person that shows up on Sundays and that's about it. When you can see that other people can form real connections with each other beyond just showing up to the grove on Sundays, it helps to really highlight the fact that you can't do the same. I don't like being that person that you talk about hanging out with one of these days even though both you and I know that will never happen; I don't like being the place filler when your real friends aren't around.
So I guess I'm where I should be today all things considered. I'm not interested in anyone's sympathy. I will have to deal with enough of that shit from my mother ("What do you mean you were alone on Thanksgiving??? But that's so SAD!!!!"; that woman never believed I could ever have a life when I still thought I could; who knows where the hell her new found sense of hope came from but I kind of wish it would go the way mine did).
Now back to my TV watching, internet surfing and smoking. Hope everyone had a nice day.
I had plans to go to Will and Caryn's, but I guess Renee couldn't wake me up (I've really been sleeping like crap this week, I never set an alarm because we didn't discuss when we were planning to leave, and someone knocking on my door alone isn't going to do much to rouse me; had she actually called me on my phone that might have made a difference) so she left without me. I don't think I missed her by all that much, I suppose I could have made a phone call and followed if I really wanted to. I did have one other of those "oh, you have no where else to go, poor thing, you can come with me if you want" invitations, but I didn't make that phone call either. Tell you the truth, I wouldn't have accepted the invitation to Caryn and Will's had Renee not been going as well.
I really don't have any business disrupting other people's family gatherings, which is what this was. I'm not quite close enough to anyone around here for that. I never feel comfortable in places where I know I don't belong. I don't really get why invitations like this get extended over the holiday anyway. I'm alone all the fucking time, three hundred and sixty three days a year and no one gives a shit. What's one more day? What's so fucking special about this one day? Does someone think its going to make a big difference, if I get to come out and feel (or at least they think I feel) a part of the crowd for one day before slinking back into my corner where I belong? It doesn't. It really doesn't.
Someone on my friend's list posted something about being an outcast and how that never really changes, that is somewhat similar to what's been going through my head the last several days. Its never been much of a surprise to me, things don't really change much from high school, people's personalities are fairly well developed by that point; if you're an asshole in high school you'll probably stay an asshole, if you're an outcast you'll stay that way (unless of course you suddenly become either very attractive or very rich, the sort of things that always make people want to be around you; alas, I did neither). I never really thought that would change, I may have hoped for a while that I could find somewhere that I belonged in but that hope is very dead now.
For whatever reason, I think being involved with a group on a peripheral basis somehow makes things worse. I remember making a comment to Dominic, when I had been going to the grove a few months before he first showed up, how he quickly managed to make some real friends there whereas I never did; I'm still just that creepy person that shows up on Sundays and that's about it. When you can see that other people can form real connections with each other beyond just showing up to the grove on Sundays, it helps to really highlight the fact that you can't do the same. I don't like being that person that you talk about hanging out with one of these days even though both you and I know that will never happen; I don't like being the place filler when your real friends aren't around.
So I guess I'm where I should be today all things considered. I'm not interested in anyone's sympathy. I will have to deal with enough of that shit from my mother ("What do you mean you were alone on Thanksgiving??? But that's so SAD!!!!"; that woman never believed I could ever have a life when I still thought I could; who knows where the hell her new found sense of hope came from but I kind of wish it would go the way mine did).
Now back to my TV watching, internet surfing and smoking. Hope everyone had a nice day.