Thoughts after the ritual
So how did my ritual today go?
Well, not as well as I think it could have. Very hard to concentrate with those obnoxious fucking construction workers next door who never shut up for more than five seconds and talked in the loudest gods damned voices I ever heard. If they weren't singing to themselves ("Disco Lady" no less :-x) or talking about girls they'd like to fuck or screaming for Dwight to get the fuck over here now (which happened about seven times, where the hell was Dwight!). I thought they would never leave. >:-o
But those assholes aside I think things went as well as can be expected. It served as a signal of sorts that I am now ready to begin sorting my shit out and moving on with life.
It was made pretty clear to me (as though I didn't already expect it) that I'm going to be doing the vast majority of the work on my own. I'm going to have to figure out which of my regular thoughts and ideas are my own and which were likely planted there by someone else; how accurate is my view of the world around me, my view of myself, what I'm ultimately worth and what I can and can not do.
And therein comes the difficult part. I never was very sure how one goes about unloading a lifetime's worth of bullshit, how one manages to develop self esteem when one never had any to begin with, how one comes to believe that one can have anything good in life when you've always been told you can't and your life has pretty much shown that that's true (which may or may not be because you don't believe you can, its impossible to know and I've never found that telling myself that is any real help since it can never entirely dismiss or even out the seemingly more likely possibility that everything is exactly as it appears to be).
I've known somewhere in the back of my mind for years now that this is what I would ultimately have to do. But if I had a fucking clue in hell how to go about doing that I would've done it years ago. What the hell do I know about building self esteem, in anybody at all let alone in myself? What in my life ever exposed me to ideas like that? At best I was always second rate to some much more perfect other (whether that was my sister or somebody else), although more often than not there I was the evil, psychotic scum of the universe. How does one overcome that, bearing in mind that support systems do not exist for me and whatever I do I must do it alone?
Of course maybe I don't actually have to go through it all alone, that was another idea that came to me. I am living with three people that are aware of my situation, I have the Grove and many people there seemed to be concerned about me when I was acting weird after the Samhain ritual, and there are also one or two people here online that I've spoken to briefly that seem to have some sort of a clue what I might be going through (and nothing really irritates me more than getting advice from people that just don't get it, people whose lives have gone relatively well and who don't even have a faint hint of what it might be like to be you; you can tell who those people are, they're the ones who start spouting cliches at you, those sickening inspirational quotes that don't actually mean anything in the real world).
Problem there is I'm just not one to ever ask for help, or to accept it when its offered to me. For obvious reasons I tend to view such offers with extreme suspicion, wonder what your motives might be and come to the conclusion you'll likely only make things worse, I'm fine so thank you and good bye. Other people's "help" has never done me any good, other people's "help" is what put me where I am now.
Well, no one said it was going to be easy; quite the opposite actually. But I'll figure something out, because now I have more of a reason to than I did before, because now I have some encouragement that I might be able to do it.
Any advice is of course welcome. If you've been there, done that and have some words of wisdom to impart, leave them here. I'll take anything I can right now (except cliches, they will always annoy me).
(that's right, that's the closest I can come to asking for help :-))
Well, not as well as I think it could have. Very hard to concentrate with those obnoxious fucking construction workers next door who never shut up for more than five seconds and talked in the loudest gods damned voices I ever heard. If they weren't singing to themselves ("Disco Lady" no less :-x) or talking about girls they'd like to fuck or screaming for Dwight to get the fuck over here now (which happened about seven times, where the hell was Dwight!). I thought they would never leave. >:-o
But those assholes aside I think things went as well as can be expected. It served as a signal of sorts that I am now ready to begin sorting my shit out and moving on with life.
It was made pretty clear to me (as though I didn't already expect it) that I'm going to be doing the vast majority of the work on my own. I'm going to have to figure out which of my regular thoughts and ideas are my own and which were likely planted there by someone else; how accurate is my view of the world around me, my view of myself, what I'm ultimately worth and what I can and can not do.
And therein comes the difficult part. I never was very sure how one goes about unloading a lifetime's worth of bullshit, how one manages to develop self esteem when one never had any to begin with, how one comes to believe that one can have anything good in life when you've always been told you can't and your life has pretty much shown that that's true (which may or may not be because you don't believe you can, its impossible to know and I've never found that telling myself that is any real help since it can never entirely dismiss or even out the seemingly more likely possibility that everything is exactly as it appears to be).
I've known somewhere in the back of my mind for years now that this is what I would ultimately have to do. But if I had a fucking clue in hell how to go about doing that I would've done it years ago. What the hell do I know about building self esteem, in anybody at all let alone in myself? What in my life ever exposed me to ideas like that? At best I was always second rate to some much more perfect other (whether that was my sister or somebody else), although more often than not there I was the evil, psychotic scum of the universe. How does one overcome that, bearing in mind that support systems do not exist for me and whatever I do I must do it alone?
Of course maybe I don't actually have to go through it all alone, that was another idea that came to me. I am living with three people that are aware of my situation, I have the Grove and many people there seemed to be concerned about me when I was acting weird after the Samhain ritual, and there are also one or two people here online that I've spoken to briefly that seem to have some sort of a clue what I might be going through (and nothing really irritates me more than getting advice from people that just don't get it, people whose lives have gone relatively well and who don't even have a faint hint of what it might be like to be you; you can tell who those people are, they're the ones who start spouting cliches at you, those sickening inspirational quotes that don't actually mean anything in the real world).
Problem there is I'm just not one to ever ask for help, or to accept it when its offered to me. For obvious reasons I tend to view such offers with extreme suspicion, wonder what your motives might be and come to the conclusion you'll likely only make things worse, I'm fine so thank you and good bye. Other people's "help" has never done me any good, other people's "help" is what put me where I am now.
Well, no one said it was going to be easy; quite the opposite actually. But I'll figure something out, because now I have more of a reason to than I did before, because now I have some encouragement that I might be able to do it.
Any advice is of course welcome. If you've been there, done that and have some words of wisdom to impart, leave them here. I'll take anything I can right now (except cliches, they will always annoy me).
(that's right, that's the closest I can come to asking for help :-))