Thoughts on being god owned, or my first year of it
No, this is not in answer to the dynamic duo, I've said my peace for the moment and that is that. However, having been exposed to their point of view and contrasting it with my own, its made me think. About my own relationship with Hermes, how its evolved and where I'm going with him. And since the cable isn't working and for whatever reason I can't log on to the online game I play, I'm going to ramble about it here so i don't drop dead of boredom. :-)
Now they would have it that any relationship I think I have is entirely in my own head, constructed either because I'm incredibly arrogant or incredibly pathetic and need to feel special.
I didn't come to the conclusion that Hermes was my patron easily. I certainly believed that such things happened, because I had met people that it happened to and for any number of reasons I believed them. But I didn't think for a second I was one of them, because i didn't think I was anything special and couldn't imagine why any god would pay attention to me. But Hermes literally drowned me in signs until I couldn't deny it all anymore, and even that took a few years. Even the odd way in which I found him wasn't quite enough for me, how quickly and easily I connected with him when it had never worked like that before, if I really wanted to believe that I was special he gave me plenty of reason right from the start but I never jumped on it. Even now, every once in a while, I remember something else from back then that definitely seems like a sign now that I just put right out of my head. Its kind of funny to me now how blind I was. And by the time I finally gave in, it was so painfully obvious I would have had to gouge my eyes out to be able to continue ignoring it all.
And now I've been officially dedicated to Hermes, been his human property for a year and two weeks or so (and been thoroughly disabused of any notion that such a calling means you're anything special; so easy to believe that's the case until it happens to you :-)). And oh my dear living gods, has everything changed for me in that period of time. I didn't think about it too much until during my Hermaversary (I think this may become its official name :-)) when I sat down to write what my first year had been like, what I had accomplished and what not.
I am most definitely not on the same path I was anymore. And every day I seem to be moving further and further away from what I thought I'd be and where I thought I was going. This hasn't been in any way what I signed up for a year ago.
Well, that's not true. It is technically what I signed up for, just not quite what I thought it would be.
See, what I hadn't considered is I dedicated myself to Hermes. Not to an ancient culture or that culture's ideas of what one should and should not do. To the god himself.
And I think that's what I've been learning this first year. Where my loyalties really lie.
When I signed on I was the happy little Hellenic Polytheist. I had a single culture in which I operated and in which my gods came to me from. If something new happened, I could just pick up the history book and do a little reading that know what it was and what to do. I had it all so fucking easy, I had no idea.
And of course one of the first things that Hermes did when he knew that I was his once and for all was yank me right out of that safe little Greek hermit hole I had been living in.
He never showed me off to his non traditional Greek friends before I took those oaths. Oh no, no way. Back then I met Dionysos, Aphrodite for a (thankfully) brief time. Nope, it wasn't until the deal was signed and then its, "Hey Gavin, I want you to meet Odin and Loki. And look, there's Spider, and who the fuck knows what's coming next."
And what am I supposed to do when this happens? Stamp my foot down and yell, "But they're not Greek. Therefore I can't play with them."
I can just imagine what Hermes' response to that shit would be. Who fucking cares?
And then there's this dark mystical path I find myself being dragged down now. Getting flooded with signs and omens about that now, each one seems somewhat more ominous than the one before (yes, I will post my latest oracle and probably soon under my filter). And this kind of shit never once reared its head before I took my oaths. Man, i thought I'd be keeping my temple, doing some writing, celebrating holy days, maybe doing some divination work (which isn't to say I'm not still doing that, just got a whole bunch of new chores tacked on there :-))
And again, am I supposed to stamp my foot down and refuse to go forward because this wouldn't have been considered a proper or rational way to be to Ancient Average Joe Hellene? Again, what do we think Hermes would have to say to that?
I'm not denouncing religious reconstructionism, not at all. I've spent a good portion of my spiritual life there (even if I never would have met certain people's standards), and my beginning to step away from strict single culture reconstructionism has nothing to do with my feelings having changed. The vast majority of people in any given religion are going to be lay people, and even a lot of the people called to serve their deities more closely might not ever end up stepping outside their cultural boundaries (especially if they don't worship travelers, tricksters and boundary gods, like I do :-P). What I have a problem with is this notion that if your gods are clearly pulling you in a certain direction, you should ignore or dismiss it if it doesn't exactly follow the religious precepts of Ancient Average Joe Hellene.
I suppose I could fight Hermes on this if I wanted to, but then what? What sort of doors would I end up closing, what paths am I cutting myself off from? And for what? Not just that, but by throwing what he's trying to set up for me back in his face might I damage or even end my relationship with Hermes altogether? And that's assuming he just lets me get away with that, I did kind of technically sign myself over to him so he could interpret that as he can do whatever he wants with me and drag me off kicking and screaming. And from what I hear from those who have picked the latter route, it ain't a fun time.
And if I ever wonder how real all this is? Well, first off I'd like to think by now I know the difference. And there is definitely something to be said when none of it goes the way you thought it would.
After one year, I'm starting relationships with gods and spirits I didn't think I would know. I'm looking down paths I didn't think were mine, practices I didn't think I was capable of. So many of my thoughts and beliefs have changed. I think even the way I act has changed, at least a little bit. A lot of the things that used to depress me or drive me crazy have been off my mind for a while (not to say they're never coming back again, wouldn't go that far), and I've become a lot pickier about socializing how often and with whom.
Not where I thought I would be now, but I'm happy to be here. In spite of the few clouds hanging over my head right now (and hell, in a year or two maybe I'll be just all well and good with that shit, too).
I dedicated myself to Hermes, first and foremost I am his. And I'll go where he leads me, even if where he leads me is well off the beaten Greek path.
Now they would have it that any relationship I think I have is entirely in my own head, constructed either because I'm incredibly arrogant or incredibly pathetic and need to feel special.
I didn't come to the conclusion that Hermes was my patron easily. I certainly believed that such things happened, because I had met people that it happened to and for any number of reasons I believed them. But I didn't think for a second I was one of them, because i didn't think I was anything special and couldn't imagine why any god would pay attention to me. But Hermes literally drowned me in signs until I couldn't deny it all anymore, and even that took a few years. Even the odd way in which I found him wasn't quite enough for me, how quickly and easily I connected with him when it had never worked like that before, if I really wanted to believe that I was special he gave me plenty of reason right from the start but I never jumped on it. Even now, every once in a while, I remember something else from back then that definitely seems like a sign now that I just put right out of my head. Its kind of funny to me now how blind I was. And by the time I finally gave in, it was so painfully obvious I would have had to gouge my eyes out to be able to continue ignoring it all.
And now I've been officially dedicated to Hermes, been his human property for a year and two weeks or so (and been thoroughly disabused of any notion that such a calling means you're anything special; so easy to believe that's the case until it happens to you :-)). And oh my dear living gods, has everything changed for me in that period of time. I didn't think about it too much until during my Hermaversary (I think this may become its official name :-)) when I sat down to write what my first year had been like, what I had accomplished and what not.
I am most definitely not on the same path I was anymore. And every day I seem to be moving further and further away from what I thought I'd be and where I thought I was going. This hasn't been in any way what I signed up for a year ago.
Well, that's not true. It is technically what I signed up for, just not quite what I thought it would be.
See, what I hadn't considered is I dedicated myself to Hermes. Not to an ancient culture or that culture's ideas of what one should and should not do. To the god himself.
And I think that's what I've been learning this first year. Where my loyalties really lie.
When I signed on I was the happy little Hellenic Polytheist. I had a single culture in which I operated and in which my gods came to me from. If something new happened, I could just pick up the history book and do a little reading that know what it was and what to do. I had it all so fucking easy, I had no idea.
And of course one of the first things that Hermes did when he knew that I was his once and for all was yank me right out of that safe little Greek hermit hole I had been living in.
He never showed me off to his non traditional Greek friends before I took those oaths. Oh no, no way. Back then I met Dionysos, Aphrodite for a (thankfully) brief time. Nope, it wasn't until the deal was signed and then its, "Hey Gavin, I want you to meet Odin and Loki. And look, there's Spider, and who the fuck knows what's coming next."
And what am I supposed to do when this happens? Stamp my foot down and yell, "But they're not Greek. Therefore I can't play with them."
I can just imagine what Hermes' response to that shit would be. Who fucking cares?
And then there's this dark mystical path I find myself being dragged down now. Getting flooded with signs and omens about that now, each one seems somewhat more ominous than the one before (yes, I will post my latest oracle and probably soon under my filter). And this kind of shit never once reared its head before I took my oaths. Man, i thought I'd be keeping my temple, doing some writing, celebrating holy days, maybe doing some divination work (which isn't to say I'm not still doing that, just got a whole bunch of new chores tacked on there :-))
And again, am I supposed to stamp my foot down and refuse to go forward because this wouldn't have been considered a proper or rational way to be to Ancient Average Joe Hellene? Again, what do we think Hermes would have to say to that?
I'm not denouncing religious reconstructionism, not at all. I've spent a good portion of my spiritual life there (even if I never would have met certain people's standards), and my beginning to step away from strict single culture reconstructionism has nothing to do with my feelings having changed. The vast majority of people in any given religion are going to be lay people, and even a lot of the people called to serve their deities more closely might not ever end up stepping outside their cultural boundaries (especially if they don't worship travelers, tricksters and boundary gods, like I do :-P). What I have a problem with is this notion that if your gods are clearly pulling you in a certain direction, you should ignore or dismiss it if it doesn't exactly follow the religious precepts of Ancient Average Joe Hellene.
I suppose I could fight Hermes on this if I wanted to, but then what? What sort of doors would I end up closing, what paths am I cutting myself off from? And for what? Not just that, but by throwing what he's trying to set up for me back in his face might I damage or even end my relationship with Hermes altogether? And that's assuming he just lets me get away with that, I did kind of technically sign myself over to him so he could interpret that as he can do whatever he wants with me and drag me off kicking and screaming. And from what I hear from those who have picked the latter route, it ain't a fun time.
And if I ever wonder how real all this is? Well, first off I'd like to think by now I know the difference. And there is definitely something to be said when none of it goes the way you thought it would.
After one year, I'm starting relationships with gods and spirits I didn't think I would know. I'm looking down paths I didn't think were mine, practices I didn't think I was capable of. So many of my thoughts and beliefs have changed. I think even the way I act has changed, at least a little bit. A lot of the things that used to depress me or drive me crazy have been off my mind for a while (not to say they're never coming back again, wouldn't go that far), and I've become a lot pickier about socializing how often and with whom.
Not where I thought I would be now, but I'm happy to be here. In spite of the few clouds hanging over my head right now (and hell, in a year or two maybe I'll be just all well and good with that shit, too).
I dedicated myself to Hermes, first and foremost I am his. And I'll go where he leads me, even if where he leads me is well off the beaten Greek path.