Starting two new years...
So today marks the last day of me being 20 and the first full day of Rosh Hashanah, which leads to the Aseret Yemei Teshuvah or "Ten Days of Repentance." Now I will not deny that I am not the most spiritual of people. I believe that things happen not because some mighty figure waves his hand over us, but because it is influenced by people and things on earth (hooray for science). Still, I am a firm believer in Karma and that perhaps somehow through these ten days leading to Yom Kippur, "The Day of Atonement," I can influence how the remainder of my year is going to be.
Two years ago, I went into the holiday with a strange attitude. I actually sat there thinking "Life is great, please just keep it up" and low and behold things started collapsing. The girl I was dating seemed to be a perfect relationship, nothing could be better, but then she broke up with me and it truly was and still lingers in my head as the worst break-up I've ever suffered. My grandfather got the test clearance to get a new kidney and he was near the top of the list for transplants, until his circulation got worse, he got gangrene in his feet and his system shut down completely within two months of the good news. My classes which were "so easy" dragged my GPA down to a point where it looked like my 5-year program my have stopped short at 4. Just things that were so great became rotten very quickly.
As for last year, it was very humdrum. I spent a lot of it sitting around and complaining that life seemed so great around me and I just wasn't getting anything back from it. Yet one thing that resonates from last year that I want to change so badly is that I spent the year looking for pity, and it only dug me deeper into a hole. Last night I had a dream that a group of us roadtripped to Millikin University to "go to a party that we had been invited to" but all the while I knew I was looking to guilt trip/confront Lauren. What ensued was there was some kind of terrorist attack and the friends I had traveled with were either injured or missing, and I too had been injured and as I went clawing back towards Lauren for pity she simply walked away from me. This dream made me realize that I probably will never had the opportunity to talk to her again, and it was all my fault. I had tried telling Lauren she wasn't being a good friend and it backfired to me realizing that I was the worse friend because I was always looking for more from her instead of being thankful for what I had received. As a result I have nothing left. I suggested we shouldn't be friends because it was unhealthy for the two of us, and so all our ties were severed.
I keep having the potential to ruin bits of my life because I want sympathy, and quite frankily, if I can help it, I want to stop. Looking for pity on occassion is ok, but on the scale I've been doing it... It's just not good. I hope that in these Days of Repentance I can make more self-realizations such as this one because really I'm not as mature as I think I am and these roadblocks are what keeps hindering my ability to truly be happy. "On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed, and on Yom Kippur it is sealed..." May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life.
Adios.
Two years ago, I went into the holiday with a strange attitude. I actually sat there thinking "Life is great, please just keep it up" and low and behold things started collapsing. The girl I was dating seemed to be a perfect relationship, nothing could be better, but then she broke up with me and it truly was and still lingers in my head as the worst break-up I've ever suffered. My grandfather got the test clearance to get a new kidney and he was near the top of the list for transplants, until his circulation got worse, he got gangrene in his feet and his system shut down completely within two months of the good news. My classes which were "so easy" dragged my GPA down to a point where it looked like my 5-year program my have stopped short at 4. Just things that were so great became rotten very quickly.
As for last year, it was very humdrum. I spent a lot of it sitting around and complaining that life seemed so great around me and I just wasn't getting anything back from it. Yet one thing that resonates from last year that I want to change so badly is that I spent the year looking for pity, and it only dug me deeper into a hole. Last night I had a dream that a group of us roadtripped to Millikin University to "go to a party that we had been invited to" but all the while I knew I was looking to guilt trip/confront Lauren. What ensued was there was some kind of terrorist attack and the friends I had traveled with were either injured or missing, and I too had been injured and as I went clawing back towards Lauren for pity she simply walked away from me. This dream made me realize that I probably will never had the opportunity to talk to her again, and it was all my fault. I had tried telling Lauren she wasn't being a good friend and it backfired to me realizing that I was the worse friend because I was always looking for more from her instead of being thankful for what I had received. As a result I have nothing left. I suggested we shouldn't be friends because it was unhealthy for the two of us, and so all our ties were severed.
I keep having the potential to ruin bits of my life because I want sympathy, and quite frankily, if I can help it, I want to stop. Looking for pity on occassion is ok, but on the scale I've been doing it... It's just not good. I hope that in these Days of Repentance I can make more self-realizations such as this one because really I'm not as mature as I think I am and these roadblocks are what keeps hindering my ability to truly be happy. "On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed, and on Yom Kippur it is sealed..." May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life.
Adios.