Let's try this again...
Current consistency of my life= Niko, friends, live journal, AIM, making candles, making soap, waiting rather impatiently between social gatherings to see my friends, and waiting even less patiently to see Niko
Current reason I wake up every day= to check this stupid thing and talk to my friends on AIM...and to talk to Niko at some point
Future hopes and dreams= to get enrolled in and finish my interior design on line courses, to write (and maybe publish) my book, to have children, and to live somewhat comfortably(basically not pay check to pay check)
Current fears= that I will miss my window of opportunity on being able to do all those things because I'm stuck waiting
Current dilemma= no money from grandmother's will= no car= no job= no school= no job= no book= no children= living at home until I die!
Rant
I'm tired of my life being made up of stupid things that have no real meaning. I need to interact with people in person. I need to go out and experience life, not be couped up in this house until my fucking teeth fall out! I've done so many things to try to keep myself busy to keep myself from going stir crazy...but I've lost interest in most of it. *sigh* It's just so damned repetitive. I wake up, I get on lj, I get on AIM, I talk to Niko on the phone, I go spend a bit of time with my parents maybe, then back on AIM and lj. Then I go to bed. I'm fucking sick of it! I'm not saying that I don't enjoy talking to my friends on line, I'm just saying I would rather not be sitting on my ass all day. I want to go out!!! I want to get a job and get in school and write my fucking book! But I can't do any of that until I have my car...and we have to get that stupid money from my Uncle first. I fucking hate money! I have this rather overwhelming fear that if I don't get my life pointed in the right direction soon that I'm going to miss my window of opportunity to actually live out my dreams. And it's not like I'm asking for much. (see above)
So I spend my day wasting time on the computer hoping someone will want to do something, but I won't suggest anything cause I have no money or transportation. All I really want is to be able to do something meaningful with my life...to somehow make other people's lives a little more pleasant. And I've actually found a way I think I can do it...BUT I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL! And I can't do that right now. All I can do is sit on my ass, smoke really shitty cigarettes(that I can't even pay for), and wait! I'm so fucking tired of it. I'm fucking stir crazy! I want to do something with my life that I'm going to enjoy and be proud of. I want a good reason to wake up every morning! At this point I don't know why I even bother with getting dressed half the time! I just want to fucking scream sometimes! I've been waiting since fucking April! I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm so tired of waiting. I want something to happen! I want to have a life! One where I get up and go to work and come home and study while drinking tea and then go hang out with a few friends over coffee sometimes or go dancing. One where I live by myself and only have to deal with my house rules. One where I can go meet up with people or run my errands by myself because I have my own car! I want my fucking independence! I'm turning 22 in 4 days for Christ's sake! I should be living on my own, with a car and a job, paying all of my own bills, and be mostly through school by now! Granted, I was married almost 3 years, but that's besides the point...I should still be doing all that! If things had gone differently...if I had gotten a car when I was still in high school...all those things would be possible for me to do right now, regardless of whether I was married or not! Hell, we probably wouldn't have had to live with Chris if I had gotten a car back then. *sigh* I hate how dependant people's lives are on material bull shit! I hate how because that is the norm now, my life has to depend on material bull shit just to get by. I just really can't stand feeling like I'm being held back when my entire life has been laid out before me. When I think about where I want to be in 6 months to a year I see me, living by myself in 5 Points in a little one bedroom house, with all my plants on the front porch and two cats, and my computer, and my Saturn, and a job I can enjoy doing while I'm still taking my classes on line. I don't think that's unreasonable or even too far fetched. But the longer I have to wait for that money, the farther off that dream seems. I'm just not sure how much longer I can force myself to stay positive about this. It's always been hard for me to be positive, but now, I see the things I want just out of reach and all I need is for this crap to quit holding me back and I can reach it. What I have isn't a life...it's a stasis. I know, somehow, I've got to keep going, keep hoping, but it's so hard now. That money was supposed to be here by early November and week by week and month by month it keeps getting moved back, just out of my fucking reach. The last time adjustment was to either the 2nd or 3rd week of January. *sigh* Not too much longer. But time has really started dragging for me. And all the things I was doing to keep myself busy and make the time pass faster have almost completely lost my interest. Hell, at the rate things are going, I'm not even sure I'm going to have the money for Fantasm. And other than my birthday, that's the next thing I have that I'm really looking forward to. I'm tired of wasting my life! I want to do something, but what?! All I can do is wait right now! Hell, I'm even tired of making this fucking post. So I'm done now.
Current reason I wake up every day= to check this stupid thing and talk to my friends on AIM...and to talk to Niko at some point
Future hopes and dreams= to get enrolled in and finish my interior design on line courses, to write (and maybe publish) my book, to have children, and to live somewhat comfortably(basically not pay check to pay check)
Current fears= that I will miss my window of opportunity on being able to do all those things because I'm stuck waiting
Current dilemma= no money from grandmother's will= no car= no job= no school= no job= no book= no children= living at home until I die!
Rant
I'm tired of my life being made up of stupid things that have no real meaning. I need to interact with people in person. I need to go out and experience life, not be couped up in this house until my fucking teeth fall out! I've done so many things to try to keep myself busy to keep myself from going stir crazy...but I've lost interest in most of it. *sigh* It's just so damned repetitive. I wake up, I get on lj, I get on AIM, I talk to Niko on the phone, I go spend a bit of time with my parents maybe, then back on AIM and lj. Then I go to bed. I'm fucking sick of it! I'm not saying that I don't enjoy talking to my friends on line, I'm just saying I would rather not be sitting on my ass all day. I want to go out!!! I want to get a job and get in school and write my fucking book! But I can't do any of that until I have my car...and we have to get that stupid money from my Uncle first. I fucking hate money! I have this rather overwhelming fear that if I don't get my life pointed in the right direction soon that I'm going to miss my window of opportunity to actually live out my dreams. And it's not like I'm asking for much. (see above)
So I spend my day wasting time on the computer hoping someone will want to do something, but I won't suggest anything cause I have no money or transportation. All I really want is to be able to do something meaningful with my life...to somehow make other people's lives a little more pleasant. And I've actually found a way I think I can do it...BUT I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL! And I can't do that right now. All I can do is sit on my ass, smoke really shitty cigarettes(that I can't even pay for), and wait! I'm so fucking tired of it. I'm fucking stir crazy! I want to do something with my life that I'm going to enjoy and be proud of. I want a good reason to wake up every morning! At this point I don't know why I even bother with getting dressed half the time! I just want to fucking scream sometimes! I've been waiting since fucking April! I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm so tired of waiting. I want something to happen! I want to have a life! One where I get up and go to work and come home and study while drinking tea and then go hang out with a few friends over coffee sometimes or go dancing. One where I live by myself and only have to deal with my house rules. One where I can go meet up with people or run my errands by myself because I have my own car! I want my fucking independence! I'm turning 22 in 4 days for Christ's sake! I should be living on my own, with a car and a job, paying all of my own bills, and be mostly through school by now! Granted, I was married almost 3 years, but that's besides the point...I should still be doing all that! If things had gone differently...if I had gotten a car when I was still in high school...all those things would be possible for me to do right now, regardless of whether I was married or not! Hell, we probably wouldn't have had to live with Chris if I had gotten a car back then. *sigh* I hate how dependant people's lives are on material bull shit! I hate how because that is the norm now, my life has to depend on material bull shit just to get by. I just really can't stand feeling like I'm being held back when my entire life has been laid out before me. When I think about where I want to be in 6 months to a year I see me, living by myself in 5 Points in a little one bedroom house, with all my plants on the front porch and two cats, and my computer, and my Saturn, and a job I can enjoy doing while I'm still taking my classes on line. I don't think that's unreasonable or even too far fetched. But the longer I have to wait for that money, the farther off that dream seems. I'm just not sure how much longer I can force myself to stay positive about this. It's always been hard for me to be positive, but now, I see the things I want just out of reach and all I need is for this crap to quit holding me back and I can reach it. What I have isn't a life...it's a stasis. I know, somehow, I've got to keep going, keep hoping, but it's so hard now. That money was supposed to be here by early November and week by week and month by month it keeps getting moved back, just out of my fucking reach. The last time adjustment was to either the 2nd or 3rd week of January. *sigh* Not too much longer. But time has really started dragging for me. And all the things I was doing to keep myself busy and make the time pass faster have almost completely lost my interest. Hell, at the rate things are going, I'm not even sure I'm going to have the money for Fantasm. And other than my birthday, that's the next thing I have that I'm really looking forward to. I'm tired of wasting my life! I want to do something, but what?! All I can do is wait right now! Hell, I'm even tired of making this fucking post. So I'm done now.