SO over this...
I've never been the kind to coo over babies, I rarely played with baby dolls as a kid, I never babysat as a teenager, kids on an airplane make me almost homicidal and I think pregnancy and childbirth are two of the most disgusting things imaginable. I also generally like animals more than kids. On the flip side, I always thought it would be fun to
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Second: if this is truly your situation, you already know what you have to do, you're just looking to others to affirm your decisions (which is what we're here for!). You clearly do not want children, you say it several times in this post, so you need to come to terms with one of the following:
1. Telling your husband that you do not want to adopt nor try for a pregnancy; this could cause a breakup/divorce, or not, depending on how important children are to him.
1.a. If having children is a really truly important life goal, it's my personal opinion that you should allow him to do that either via not being with him, or having them with him. But that's also on him to make sure his life goals are being met. I know this might sound kind of backwards, but it's not meant to, I just believe that it someone REALLY wants kids, they should have them. YOLO, right? So many kids are born to parents that don't want them, and the kids can feel that. I imagine it's a pretty cool start in life to be surrounded by people that actively love and want you.
2. Adopting/parenting a kid and how that is going to impact the remainder of your life.
2.a. Recently (a week or two ago?) someone posted on this comm with a story about how life turns out when you 'give in' to your spouse and have kids despite not really wanting them. It's worth a read. Spoiler: the person loves their kid but is always unhappy!
Here's what I'll say regarding adoption, and specifically to your point: "Out of the four adoptive couples I know personally, three have had one or more problem children they've acquired through adoption, both domestic and foreign." I know this is anecdotal, but I could list 4 adoptive couples that I know as well, and none had any issues with the children being developmentally/psychologically scarred. My partner is an adopted child, and grew up in a house with other adopted children, none of which had any issues whatsoever. That being said, the possibility is always there with an adoptive child or a biological child. Just because it's yours, and brand new, doesn't mean it won't grow up to become a rapist or murderer, yknow? Psychology cannot account for nature vs nuture and how it truly influences the development of people.
At the end of the day, you have to remember that this is your life and you are the one in control of it. If you do not speak up and actively plan for what you want out of life, you may be unhappy no matter what the outcome. Don't think for a second that just because you're married that it means you have to stay that way, or that you have to do what he wants. You don't. This is a moment you will look back on, do you want it to be filled with regret?
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What bugs me is that we were pretty much on the same page when we started, I would even say I was enthusiastic. But after four years, my feeling about kids has just....changed. On the one hand, I feel like I'm totally justified after all the fertility crap to say enough is enough and to say that at 40, I'm too old for kids. BUT...I understand if he feels a little cheated. I'm actually not worried about our marriage breaking up over this. He has said over and over that I'm more important to him than anything else. I asked him if he thinks he should have married someone younger and he said I was being "ridiculous" because the only life he wants is one with me in it. I just hate feeling like he could miss out on this because of me. I think because he is a teacher, he's given a lot of thought to how we would raise one; I think he feels that with our combined education, life experience and propensity to love, we'd raise a pretty awesome kid. I think he's right, but I think I'd rather put those energies elsewhere. BTW, I did stumble on the Reddit post you were talking about right after my first post.....I really feel for that guy. I can't say I ever felt that strongly against having children, but his statement about how much of your freedom you have to sacrifice really resonated with me. Not sure hubby really grasps that.
In any event, I really appreciate the reply.
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