The "Hold it" Threat and Societal Insanity
Because the world seems to think not wanting children is unnatural and I must, in some way, be wrong, I feel compelled to share these stories. Cut for length.
I live with a group of 5 friends - we're all students - and 4 of us are female, all 20 or nearly 21. Two of them (R and L) coo over babies whenever they see one, the other girl, E, isn't fussed about them, and then there's me, who really despises children, the mess, noise, expense and everything else that comes with them.
L has been engaged for a good while and plans to marry soon after finishing uni. Obviously, she wants children. And she keeps saying in jest that she'll make me look after them, hold them and leave them with me. But the thing is, I don't care that it's meant as a joke. I really hate the idea of being forced to hold something that will scream, drool and probably vomit, that will wriggle and make me terrified of dropping it. It might seem to you that I'm making a big deal out of nothing in particular, but would you make someone who doesn't like dogs sit in the same room as a Doberman?
The last time I held a baby was a few years ago and I felt like such an idiot, because it was like this heavy sack of meat that arched its back and whimpered and made weird, loud sounds, and my own mother told me I was holding it wrong, and its mother looked worried. Why the fuck she wanted me to hold it in the first place when I distinctly looked uncomfortable in the presence of the ugly little thing, I'll never know.
Then my mother tells me "Oh, you'll want them one day!"... no, I will never WANT to have a parasite grow in my body, force its way out of my vagina, take up my time and money and eventually abandon me when it's old enough to support itself. Sometimes I see a baby and think, "Actually, it's quiet and not totally unpleasant to look at. It's clean and well cared-for." And those babies are fine. But thinking about having my own, all I can see is that quiet, perfect baby, then the intelligent doctor/lawyer/actor I want it to be. Considering the massive emotional and financial impact - the entire practical side of devoting eighteen years of your life to one thing - smashes the ideal, rose-tinted projection of what my offspring could be, and really brings home how horrible it would be to be a mother. I tend to get quite agitated when programmes show pregnancy and birth, or mention them - heart racing and feeling tearful. You might think I don't like pregnancy talk because I don't like babies or maybe the other way around, but I've always hated medical attention and always hated babies, so I believe they're concurrent rather than sequential.
My mother's argument? "But I want grandchildren." I try not to, but I feel inadequate and guilty because I don't want to suffer all of that so she can hold the fat squalling product of my body for a few hours before giving it back to disrupt my sleep and make me a little bit crazier every day.
I should add that I don't like affection and I don't like things being dependent on me. I don't want to get married, certainly not taking the surname of another man as though I'm now his property. I'm an entirely selfish young woman, and in turn there are factors that would make it selfish to have a child, such as my depression, which is bad enough without post-natal complications, my fear of hospitals and the helplessness that comes with medical treatment, and my own lifelong self-hatred, all of which the child would pick up on straight away.
On a lighter note, when I was entrusted with my mother's friend's friend's toddler, she broke my diamond earrings and necklace, presents from my grandparents, by suddenly grabbing at them. My mother always says, "You can't have anything nice with children," and I've found no evidence to the contrary!
"Don't you want to leave a legacy?" people often ask. I want to leave my mark on my corner of the world, certainly, through writing, producing books, publishing, editing, creating. People don't seem to understand that's not the same as making a replacement of yourself.
I live with a group of 5 friends - we're all students - and 4 of us are female, all 20 or nearly 21. Two of them (R and L) coo over babies whenever they see one, the other girl, E, isn't fussed about them, and then there's me, who really despises children, the mess, noise, expense and everything else that comes with them.
L has been engaged for a good while and plans to marry soon after finishing uni. Obviously, she wants children. And she keeps saying in jest that she'll make me look after them, hold them and leave them with me. But the thing is, I don't care that it's meant as a joke. I really hate the idea of being forced to hold something that will scream, drool and probably vomit, that will wriggle and make me terrified of dropping it. It might seem to you that I'm making a big deal out of nothing in particular, but would you make someone who doesn't like dogs sit in the same room as a Doberman?
The last time I held a baby was a few years ago and I felt like such an idiot, because it was like this heavy sack of meat that arched its back and whimpered and made weird, loud sounds, and my own mother told me I was holding it wrong, and its mother looked worried. Why the fuck she wanted me to hold it in the first place when I distinctly looked uncomfortable in the presence of the ugly little thing, I'll never know.
Then my mother tells me "Oh, you'll want them one day!"... no, I will never WANT to have a parasite grow in my body, force its way out of my vagina, take up my time and money and eventually abandon me when it's old enough to support itself. Sometimes I see a baby and think, "Actually, it's quiet and not totally unpleasant to look at. It's clean and well cared-for." And those babies are fine. But thinking about having my own, all I can see is that quiet, perfect baby, then the intelligent doctor/lawyer/actor I want it to be. Considering the massive emotional and financial impact - the entire practical side of devoting eighteen years of your life to one thing - smashes the ideal, rose-tinted projection of what my offspring could be, and really brings home how horrible it would be to be a mother. I tend to get quite agitated when programmes show pregnancy and birth, or mention them - heart racing and feeling tearful. You might think I don't like pregnancy talk because I don't like babies or maybe the other way around, but I've always hated medical attention and always hated babies, so I believe they're concurrent rather than sequential.
My mother's argument? "But I want grandchildren." I try not to, but I feel inadequate and guilty because I don't want to suffer all of that so she can hold the fat squalling product of my body for a few hours before giving it back to disrupt my sleep and make me a little bit crazier every day.
I should add that I don't like affection and I don't like things being dependent on me. I don't want to get married, certainly not taking the surname of another man as though I'm now his property. I'm an entirely selfish young woman, and in turn there are factors that would make it selfish to have a child, such as my depression, which is bad enough without post-natal complications, my fear of hospitals and the helplessness that comes with medical treatment, and my own lifelong self-hatred, all of which the child would pick up on straight away.
On a lighter note, when I was entrusted with my mother's friend's friend's toddler, she broke my diamond earrings and necklace, presents from my grandparents, by suddenly grabbing at them. My mother always says, "You can't have anything nice with children," and I've found no evidence to the contrary!
"Don't you want to leave a legacy?" people often ask. I want to leave my mark on my corner of the world, certainly, through writing, producing books, publishing, editing, creating. People don't seem to understand that's not the same as making a replacement of yourself.