DON'T LOOK AT ME! Plus some questions
Another round of questioning from yours truly:
- Why isn't there a Swan Lake sound track out there?
- Why are people so stupid? *no answer needed since its unknown, any theories are welcomed though*
- Who the hell is really running the country? Its too fucked over for one person to be in chagre....theres about three hundred years and five million people worth of damage at least.
- What the hell is pissing off so many people lately?
- Not that I really care, but why are so many people pissed off at John for? Really now people, I hate being out of the loop....but oh well, it doesn't really matter I suppose.
- When will things get better?
- Why can't my sister hold her liquor?
- If I die, who would come to the funneral?
- How can anyone put up with me?
- so on and so forth, ect, ect, ect, ect....hell just think up a question and I'll get back to you with answers.
Lately I find myself pondering many things....such as companionship....now I'm going to tell the sad sad truth that makes me so incredibly lame....I honestly fuck up ALL of my relationships....each time I've even come close to one, I mess it up. My first possibly, ended because I couldn't stand being called everyday by someone who previously used to make fun of me and was an ass anyways (he got his latest girlfriend preggers I think).
One guy I remember for being a writer, and not a very good one mind you, but this was middle school so I can forgive that....he was the best friend of the first guy I dated *see section above*. Now this was ruined for two reasons. One, I was told he had to 'ask' the guy 'permission' to persue me....I personally didn't think anyone needed 'permission' to even speak to me, seeing as I'm not a piece of property. Secondly, I 'thought' I was with someone....huh, weird part is, I can't remember who I was 'with'.
Anything between that is foggy, I mostly blame being on medication for that, and for the fact that I don't like to recall some things....Another person I COULD have had a relationship with turned out to be a missionary...huh...who knew? Where that went wrong I'm not sure...I think this was one of those 'lose track of someone' kinda dealie.
The next one I can remember is being with a really great guy. Probably one of the sweetest, nicest, and ANGRIEST people I had ever known. I met him in my freshmen year when I hardly knew anyone in my third period class. I think I liked him a lot because he was so anti-social. We got together in my sophmore year I think. It was weird, one moment we were attacking each other in his house while we were picking up cookies, next thing I know we're really close. Fuzzy part Fuzzy part, because young children shouldn't hear of such things....we didn't go through with 'the deed' since it didn't even come up at the time....next thing i know I'm being driven home, I kiss him on the cheek before I go inside, and thats how it started. I didn't even know it started until a week later while we were in class and he was sleeping ^^(). It was really sweet. I loved being around him....but unfortunately, this was another thing I fucked up. I remember it because it happened on the 4th of July...I can never remember a more depressing 4th....
What happened with this guy, was that when we actually 'tried' something...I couldn't stop shaking....I guess luckily for him a church called his house ^^()....nothing more ironic if you ask me. After that experience, I had a very deep sinking feeling....I really loved being with him, but....I had the feeling in the end, I would hurt him...which I did by sitting him down and telling him whatever it was I told him about us not being together....it still tears me up inside, and I still miss him....oddly enough though, no matter how much I want to just pick up the phone and call ((which would be useless since he has a new number now)), or just want to message him, I know he's going to be better off without me.
The person after him, actually turned out to be one of his best friends....which was somewhat odd, but I'll go on. This happened during Junior year...it started with him coming up to me, instead of it being spontanious like the last person, and...I can't describe it...he was funny, charming, had beautiful blue eyes, and was a very good friend all at the same time....we were awkward when it came to being close, meaning....holding his hand was enough to make me shake...we never really kissed, aside from a kiss on the cheek from time to time, and that was all. It was nice, but...I still felt like I was doing something wrong...that I was going to fuck someone up. I remember ending it over the internet....my aren't I brave? HAH! I'm the biggest chicken shit because of that...he deserved better.
The last person I possibly could have been with....made me feel...I can't describe....it was a little of the angry person I mentioned, and a little of the charming person I just mentioned ((see paragraph above))....we held hands is how it first started....that just gave me the jitters, not the shakes. It was nice, since the movie was especially boring for me. We held hands out of the Movies, and when we got back to their house *since it was a spend the night with one other friend* my famous period started ((its magic, it starts whenever I first get with someone, killing any chance of anything too physical since no tampon or pad allows anyone to move around that much)). Well, we had some intimate contact despite the start of the red season. THAT was when the shakes started up...everything was going just the right way, and it was a bit more inticing, trying not to wake up the other person in the room...then the shakes started up and my body locked up...My kisses became awkward, my movements were like stumbling through a dark walk in closet, and I could hardly breathe....
Whenever I hear mention of this person in town, and wanting to go somewhere with friends, I ALWAYS dress up nice...its an old habit. I remember the first time it happened. We were going to see a movie with a lot of friends....they tried to hold my hand in the movie like before, and I just brushed it away, and acted like I was more interested in the movie.....which sadly I had to see again later on with a splitting headache...Now said person has a girlfriend and they are very happy...this makes me happy, and somewhat depressed.
Ah, now the latest person I find of interest I won't ever say anything to....it'd just be strange...don't ask me why....if anything there is at least one more person I am 'in like' with, and again I won't attempt anything. I'm too much of a coward, and I've grown used to not being with anyone. Its strange...my best friend has a companion, and I can't help but feel the smallest bit of jealousy....first off, I keep thinking 'my friend! not yours!' and secondly I can't help but think '....lucky...huh...wish I could have something like that', but unfortunately I did...and I messed up. I don't mind them so much together anymore...I've unoffcially claimed them as one of my favorite couples...and the thing with that is, it means that ANYTHING that comes between them, or tries to, automatically becomes my business....I know that half the shit that revolves around them isn't any of my business, but I can't help but want to protect them and their happiness....I greatly treasure my best friend's joy and happiness, and whomever brings it to her. Now if persay, a 'I fucking hate so and so and you just happen to be seeing him, so I'm going to be a jerk to you' comes along, I immediately do my best to cut off contact with them....in cases before I've been on the war path....I've been 'good' this year ^_____________^
I am a relationship hinderence, I am a comittment chicken shit, and have the confidence of a short necked Giraffe. Why am I thinking about this now of all times? I don't know...I wish I could find someone to help me get over myself, but I'm not counting on anything, and I know even if I were to meet the right person....I know I wouldn't be the right person for them...The few people who have shown interest in me as of recent...have creeped me out entirely...its something my father told me about....its 'a gut feeling...and if it tells you not to do something...then damnit you probably shouldn't do it...' and I take that advice to heart, since it has kept me out of some sticky situations with friends and family. This gut feeling will keep me from coming out to my mother about my bisexuality, and a few friends I've managed to make this year....oh well, sometimes some things are better left unsaid.
One unsaid thing....that is typed so its okay to say now, is I feel horribly uncomfortable....why?...its my body....I've been told it is rather nice and easy on the eyes by some who have enough gall to tell me so, or to lie to me, but...its not that I don't feel 'attractive' if I may be so vain as to say....I feel...like its wrong. Most days I can get over it and dress up, put on make up, fix my hair and make myself 'appealing'....other days, I feel like a crack on a mirror...something that shouldn't be there, but too costly to fix. I can never feel comfortable with who I am, and what I am....I hate feeling dominated, but at the same time, I don't want to be the dominating one...does it make sense? Probably not.
I've had enough of my ranting and raving, and I'm sure whoever is brave enough to read this is as well...thank you dear reader for trying to figure out why she is so fucked up, and why she is a bitch...no one will ever know...oh well.
Good luck with your life as I try to figure out mine.
~The Confused
P.S.~ Seriously...why IS everyone pissed at John? ? ? *shifty eyes*