Anti-bullying measures and the part of my past I hate the most
I don't remember high-school fondly and I make no mystery off it. In fact, people who talk to me on a daily basis are well aware of how much I hated high-school. Perhaps back then I didn't even hate it so much, but after I graduated on college, I can't help but thinking that I can't remember many of my school days fondly. I'll not be so extreme though: it was where I met two of my best friends (the ones I always talk about when I say "I was hanging out with two friends of mine"), but I think they're about the only good things from back then. The main reason for that? Bullying.
Until not very long ago, bullying was not really considered a "serious problem among youngsters". I'm actually impressed it took the education system so long to find out how serious this problem is. Many may blame the bullying as the main cause of the recent school shooting events in the US. In these specific cases I believe the issue is a big deeper than that, but then we have reports of increasing cases of depression and suicide among teenagers and children. I'm glad the authorities and educational institutions finally decided to take the matter seriously.
I'm somewhat envious of people who have never been bullied when they were younger. Once my podcast partner said something with which I couldn't agree more: "I know that most of the situations through which we've been helped us become the people we are today, specially the difficult ones. Still, I can't stop thinking: was it really necessary??".
Nowadays, I'm a relatively confident person, and quite often people actually tell me that: "I wish I had your confidence and self-esteem! You are the kind of person who seems to have her life on the line!". I'm almost 30 years old, by this time of my life, this was somewhat expected. Not only that, I think I can say I have enough maturity to show people what I want them to see. I need to work and pay my bills, so the mask of a lazy person definitely would not suit me. I have parents that are getting past the golden age of their lives and are becoming old, so I can't look like a tired loser. I have goals and ambitions, and in order to reach them, I put on my persistent person mask and this is how people see me. As you experience things through your days, you either learn the ways of succeeding or you'll just fall beneath the threshold of mediocrity.
Now, I'm saying this as an adult woman, regardless of how reluctantly I say that I'm "an adult woman". I know how to go my way through most of situations. But when I was a teenager, this was a hundred times more difficult. I once wrote a post about the perks of being an adult person and my thoughts always go back to when I was about 13~18 years old and the most important thing in my life was acceptance. I think I can say I was a happy person... until I reached 14 years old. That was when I felt my entire life start falling apart. My body was going through crazy transformations, my attention was starting to wander anywhere but to my studies, my relationship with my parents started to get to a point that staying at home was unbearable (huh, I look at my relationship with them today and think "who would've thought")... and I got bullied at school.
It was small things, really. Back then I had very little money, so I sold candies and bubblegum. On a daily basis, some of the popular kids would savage my backpack when I wasn't nearby. I was getting taller, so my uniform quickly got small and we didn't have money to buy a new one (it was expensive as hell), so people made fun of my worn-out school uniform. I have Chinese ethnicity, so my colleagues made fun of that as well. Add that to the fact that I was ugly as shit and was ALWAYS voted as one of the least desirable girls in my classroom. Today, in March of 2016 I'm pretty self-confident regarding everything, including my looks, so if anyone ever screamed "ugly bitch!!" near me I'd probably be all like "Jesus Christ, stop looking at the mirror then!!". If anyone ever questions my sexual orientation, I know that I can just say "I am what I am". But when I was a teenager, I was figuring my own self. I was trying to find out how the world worked. I was trying to build my own self-confidence, molding my personality to become who I am today. I was trying to see if my dreams were viable. Heck, I had dreams back then!
With so much going on in my head and in my life, with my family demanding a good academic performance, this, my friends, is the worst possible moment to become the victim of bullying. The worst.
I needed the two good friends I still have today. I needed the family support I still have. I needed the money I could not obtain. But I'll tell you what I did not need: I did not need people undermining my already low self-confidence. I did not need people telling me that I was ugly as shit, that I stank (according to my parents and my friends, I actually did smell pretty good. Mom said she wouldn't let me leave the house if I were stinking, but remember that back then I believed everything I was told), that I should go back to China (even though I was born in Brazil), that I was ridiculous, that I looked like someone mentally disabled. I did not need people laughing at me for my lack of agility while playing soccer or handball (even though I was pretty decent in volleyball and basketball).
Nowadays these things don't even sound like a big deal. "Meh, children's jokes", one might say. But when you are discovering yourself, when this is your whole world, it becomes really troublesome. If you were mature enough back then, congratulations. I wasn't. I was an everyday regular teenager who willingly believed I was worth nothing, and I was constantly reminded of my worthlessness. Eventually, I started believing everything I was being told. The results of this constant veiled psychological torture can be seen by everyone who knew me after I graduated from High School: I turned into a bitter person that has serious trust issues and has trouble in caring about other people because I'm just too worried thinking of who will be the next one to stab me in the back or take advantage of me in one way or the other. Compliments don't make me feel good. They make me feel awful. They make me feel like they're either undeserved or that the person is lying. As for my usually silent behavior, I'm not quiet because I'm a quiet person. If you ever think I'm being too silent, it's probably because I don't trust you enough to make any sort of witty comments and all you're going to see in me is my professional posture because... well, this is what I want you to see.
Gee, get over it, it's just the way things work.
That may be so. But was there really any need for that?
Until not very long ago, bullying was not really considered a "serious problem among youngsters". I'm actually impressed it took the education system so long to find out how serious this problem is. Many may blame the bullying as the main cause of the recent school shooting events in the US. In these specific cases I believe the issue is a big deeper than that, but then we have reports of increasing cases of depression and suicide among teenagers and children. I'm glad the authorities and educational institutions finally decided to take the matter seriously.
I'm somewhat envious of people who have never been bullied when they were younger. Once my podcast partner said something with which I couldn't agree more: "I know that most of the situations through which we've been helped us become the people we are today, specially the difficult ones. Still, I can't stop thinking: was it really necessary??".
Nowadays, I'm a relatively confident person, and quite often people actually tell me that: "I wish I had your confidence and self-esteem! You are the kind of person who seems to have her life on the line!". I'm almost 30 years old, by this time of my life, this was somewhat expected. Not only that, I think I can say I have enough maturity to show people what I want them to see. I need to work and pay my bills, so the mask of a lazy person definitely would not suit me. I have parents that are getting past the golden age of their lives and are becoming old, so I can't look like a tired loser. I have goals and ambitions, and in order to reach them, I put on my persistent person mask and this is how people see me. As you experience things through your days, you either learn the ways of succeeding or you'll just fall beneath the threshold of mediocrity.
Now, I'm saying this as an adult woman, regardless of how reluctantly I say that I'm "an adult woman". I know how to go my way through most of situations. But when I was a teenager, this was a hundred times more difficult. I once wrote a post about the perks of being an adult person and my thoughts always go back to when I was about 13~18 years old and the most important thing in my life was acceptance. I think I can say I was a happy person... until I reached 14 years old. That was when I felt my entire life start falling apart. My body was going through crazy transformations, my attention was starting to wander anywhere but to my studies, my relationship with my parents started to get to a point that staying at home was unbearable (huh, I look at my relationship with them today and think "who would've thought")... and I got bullied at school.
It was small things, really. Back then I had very little money, so I sold candies and bubblegum. On a daily basis, some of the popular kids would savage my backpack when I wasn't nearby. I was getting taller, so my uniform quickly got small and we didn't have money to buy a new one (it was expensive as hell), so people made fun of my worn-out school uniform. I have Chinese ethnicity, so my colleagues made fun of that as well. Add that to the fact that I was ugly as shit and was ALWAYS voted as one of the least desirable girls in my classroom. Today, in March of 2016 I'm pretty self-confident regarding everything, including my looks, so if anyone ever screamed "ugly bitch!!" near me I'd probably be all like "Jesus Christ, stop looking at the mirror then!!". If anyone ever questions my sexual orientation, I know that I can just say "I am what I am". But when I was a teenager, I was figuring my own self. I was trying to find out how the world worked. I was trying to build my own self-confidence, molding my personality to become who I am today. I was trying to see if my dreams were viable. Heck, I had dreams back then!
With so much going on in my head and in my life, with my family demanding a good academic performance, this, my friends, is the worst possible moment to become the victim of bullying. The worst.
I needed the two good friends I still have today. I needed the family support I still have. I needed the money I could not obtain. But I'll tell you what I did not need: I did not need people undermining my already low self-confidence. I did not need people telling me that I was ugly as shit, that I stank (according to my parents and my friends, I actually did smell pretty good. Mom said she wouldn't let me leave the house if I were stinking, but remember that back then I believed everything I was told), that I should go back to China (even though I was born in Brazil), that I was ridiculous, that I looked like someone mentally disabled. I did not need people laughing at me for my lack of agility while playing soccer or handball (even though I was pretty decent in volleyball and basketball).
Nowadays these things don't even sound like a big deal. "Meh, children's jokes", one might say. But when you are discovering yourself, when this is your whole world, it becomes really troublesome. If you were mature enough back then, congratulations. I wasn't. I was an everyday regular teenager who willingly believed I was worth nothing, and I was constantly reminded of my worthlessness. Eventually, I started believing everything I was being told. The results of this constant veiled psychological torture can be seen by everyone who knew me after I graduated from High School: I turned into a bitter person that has serious trust issues and has trouble in caring about other people because I'm just too worried thinking of who will be the next one to stab me in the back or take advantage of me in one way or the other. Compliments don't make me feel good. They make me feel awful. They make me feel like they're either undeserved or that the person is lying. As for my usually silent behavior, I'm not quiet because I'm a quiet person. If you ever think I'm being too silent, it's probably because I don't trust you enough to make any sort of witty comments and all you're going to see in me is my professional posture because... well, this is what I want you to see.
Gee, get over it, it's just the way things work.
That may be so. But was there really any need for that?