Is This What "Burning The Candle At Both Ends" Means?
The Man sez: So this kind of sucks. My life, I mean. Not the people in it or even the things I do but the situation. Insert "Jersey Shore" joke then resume crying. And I'm not looking for sympathy because I'm the one who put myself in this position, intentionally or otherwise. I'm the responsible party.
But it still sucks. Those single mothers who work full time and put themselves through school are unreal. I see this now. I work full(ish) time. Then I go to school for two or five hours, depending on the night. The one night I don't have school is spent doing homework for the next round of classes. Friday after work I go work another two or three hours. I try to do more homework on Saturday, but it's always fruitless since who can fucking focus on homework on a Saturday afternoon? Saturday nights are for fun, though I have to be in bed by 1 since I work Sunday mornings. Of all the things I do, this is the one I am most tempted to drop. What is wrong with me that I can't say no to a job? Homework Sunday night. Lather, rinse, repeat. And thank god for my Concerta. Really. I get so little sleep anymore, which really blows after getting used to a solid 8 hours a night over the past 18 months. I need that ugly brown pill every weekday or I'll fall asleep a) driving to work b) during work c) driving from work to school and d) during school.
I don't know. I'm not complaining. I'm not looking for someone to pat my head and say "poor baby". I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Every Thursday night at 10:30 as I drive home after my last class, I feel like I've dodged a bullet. Every Friday I just want to collapse at 3:30, want to pass out for the next twelve hours or so and sleep off the exhaustion and stress. I don't do any of that, of course. I mean, it would suck extra hard if, in the process of getting my shit together, I can't do fun weekend shit with my friend-o's. At least once a week, even. I was really sick Sunday and Monday (and even into today) because my immune system just couldn't hold up against kid germs when sleep- and food-deprived. Oh, yeah, I've also lost my appetite almost entirely. This was not entirely unexpected, what with the stress. I'm not a stress-eater. I had to take off from work yesterday because I felt so ill, and the craziest part of all was that I kept feeling guilty about sleeping when I could have been studying or doing homework. What is this I don't even
Again, I don't know. To be honest, I'm not miserable like every other time. I mean, this sucks so, so much, but I accepted that it would be a really crappy spring when classes started up. This isn't complaining. I know other people have do better with worse. And I know most people enjoy school to some extent. These people are not me. So whatever. That's what I actually want to say. Whatever. It is what it is. If you don't hear from me or see me for a while, it's because I'm trying to catch up on all the growing-up I missed. I'd much rather being testing out all the make-up at Sephora with Shamsun or painting pottery with Michal or just hanging out at Paula's in DC fucking around. I'd rather be sitting in Alice's kitchen while she cooks delicious things for me. I'd rather be accompanying Sarah on errands. I'd rather be drinking some tea in some quiet spot with Anjelica. I'd rather be watching free movies at museums by myself. I'd rather get drinks at some bar with a big group of people I love to see and then dance until I'm all sweaty and tired and hungry for Taco Bell. I would rather drive down to Durham for a weekend to see my brother. I would rather do pretty much anything else all week. But I accept this situation. I accept it because it is temporary. Soon, work will be done for a while and there will be outdoor movies and hiking and swimming and books and naps. It will all still be there.
So I'm toughing it out. I can wait.
But it still sucks. Those single mothers who work full time and put themselves through school are unreal. I see this now. I work full(ish) time. Then I go to school for two or five hours, depending on the night. The one night I don't have school is spent doing homework for the next round of classes. Friday after work I go work another two or three hours. I try to do more homework on Saturday, but it's always fruitless since who can fucking focus on homework on a Saturday afternoon? Saturday nights are for fun, though I have to be in bed by 1 since I work Sunday mornings. Of all the things I do, this is the one I am most tempted to drop. What is wrong with me that I can't say no to a job? Homework Sunday night. Lather, rinse, repeat. And thank god for my Concerta. Really. I get so little sleep anymore, which really blows after getting used to a solid 8 hours a night over the past 18 months. I need that ugly brown pill every weekday or I'll fall asleep a) driving to work b) during work c) driving from work to school and d) during school.
I don't know. I'm not complaining. I'm not looking for someone to pat my head and say "poor baby". I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Every Thursday night at 10:30 as I drive home after my last class, I feel like I've dodged a bullet. Every Friday I just want to collapse at 3:30, want to pass out for the next twelve hours or so and sleep off the exhaustion and stress. I don't do any of that, of course. I mean, it would suck extra hard if, in the process of getting my shit together, I can't do fun weekend shit with my friend-o's. At least once a week, even. I was really sick Sunday and Monday (and even into today) because my immune system just couldn't hold up against kid germs when sleep- and food-deprived. Oh, yeah, I've also lost my appetite almost entirely. This was not entirely unexpected, what with the stress. I'm not a stress-eater. I had to take off from work yesterday because I felt so ill, and the craziest part of all was that I kept feeling guilty about sleeping when I could have been studying or doing homework. What is this I don't even
Again, I don't know. To be honest, I'm not miserable like every other time. I mean, this sucks so, so much, but I accepted that it would be a really crappy spring when classes started up. This isn't complaining. I know other people have do better with worse. And I know most people enjoy school to some extent. These people are not me. So whatever. That's what I actually want to say. Whatever. It is what it is. If you don't hear from me or see me for a while, it's because I'm trying to catch up on all the growing-up I missed. I'd much rather being testing out all the make-up at Sephora with Shamsun or painting pottery with Michal or just hanging out at Paula's in DC fucking around. I'd rather be sitting in Alice's kitchen while she cooks delicious things for me. I'd rather be accompanying Sarah on errands. I'd rather be drinking some tea in some quiet spot with Anjelica. I'd rather be watching free movies at museums by myself. I'd rather get drinks at some bar with a big group of people I love to see and then dance until I'm all sweaty and tired and hungry for Taco Bell. I would rather drive down to Durham for a weekend to see my brother. I would rather do pretty much anything else all week. But I accept this situation. I accept it because it is temporary. Soon, work will be done for a while and there will be outdoor movies and hiking and swimming and books and naps. It will all still be there.
So I'm toughing it out. I can wait.