no relationships are ever finished...just abandoned
i feel this extreme sense of creativity that is leaking out of my pores. its almost like i am lusting to create. yet my brain is so scattered that i cant focus my thoughts on one thing. i have an overwhelming feeling of confusing and insecurity. almost as if i dont get all of this built up artistic energy out of me i will explode.
i have also decided that i need to target the things that have been causing me such distress and eliminate them from my life. it has gotten to the point where my own home disgusts me. i am pretty tolerant when it comes to certain things, but then at the same time, i need some personal space and some sort of oasis that i can escape to. and that is not at all what i have right now. but i need to acquire it if it is the last thing i do. i should not feel dirty when i sleep in my bed, i should not have to hide my belongings from my friends to insure that they do not steal anything. i should not have to live like this, nor will i any longer. i must put my foot down.
nick is nothing less than incredible and has been helping me with absolutely everything. becca is also amazing and has been there for me and held me at my lowest. i love the situation in the sense that i know what this could be. and i see it being incredible. the only thing is all of us have been at the end of our fuse and just started to not give a fuck. people should not just be staying here for weeks on end. nor should any of us have to clean up unbelievable messes from the night before. "its not a party if it happens every night." i think that one quote has hit me very hard recently. this is not who i am, not who i will pretend to be, or who i ever want to be. i dont like getting fucked up on pills and drugs and alcohol every night. i do not like losing control of myself and my actions. and i sure as hell cannot live in an environment where everyone around me feels it necessary to participate in that on a daily basis.
yes, maybe i speak too soon, for i know i dont have anywhere else to go. but thats why i want to make this living situation work. i love both nick and becca, and i would do anything to make this incredible for all of us.
i think we all just need to sit down and talk about boundaries and limitations. what each one of us expects from the other and how we can all accomplish what needs to be done as a group instead of someone taking on the burden.
who needs acid for a sudden realization, when all i have to do is stop taking my medication for two days.
i have also decided that i need to target the things that have been causing me such distress and eliminate them from my life. it has gotten to the point where my own home disgusts me. i am pretty tolerant when it comes to certain things, but then at the same time, i need some personal space and some sort of oasis that i can escape to. and that is not at all what i have right now. but i need to acquire it if it is the last thing i do. i should not feel dirty when i sleep in my bed, i should not have to hide my belongings from my friends to insure that they do not steal anything. i should not have to live like this, nor will i any longer. i must put my foot down.
nick is nothing less than incredible and has been helping me with absolutely everything. becca is also amazing and has been there for me and held me at my lowest. i love the situation in the sense that i know what this could be. and i see it being incredible. the only thing is all of us have been at the end of our fuse and just started to not give a fuck. people should not just be staying here for weeks on end. nor should any of us have to clean up unbelievable messes from the night before. "its not a party if it happens every night." i think that one quote has hit me very hard recently. this is not who i am, not who i will pretend to be, or who i ever want to be. i dont like getting fucked up on pills and drugs and alcohol every night. i do not like losing control of myself and my actions. and i sure as hell cannot live in an environment where everyone around me feels it necessary to participate in that on a daily basis.
yes, maybe i speak too soon, for i know i dont have anywhere else to go. but thats why i want to make this living situation work. i love both nick and becca, and i would do anything to make this incredible for all of us.
i think we all just need to sit down and talk about boundaries and limitations. what each one of us expects from the other and how we can all accomplish what needs to be done as a group instead of someone taking on the burden.
who needs acid for a sudden realization, when all i have to do is stop taking my medication for two days.