Nothing
This is just about the most depressing thing I have ever written. I just went back and read it and realized that it's a bit rough for a livejournal. I am a deep and complex person, like all of us. Do not take this strictly for its face value. I promise, I'm not insane. Tonight I opened up a part of my mind that has been suppressed for a long time. Here's what came of it.
--
It's four o'clock in the morning. I'm currently in Scott's dorm room. I realized, laying here, trying to fall asleep, that my life is over. Like over, over. I would get into the details that made it this way, but that would only waste your time and mine. Basically, if you know me at all then you know my life is a total rollercoaster. What you may not know, however, is that my life is also beyond repair. I have dealt with ultimatums before. I have dealt with crossroads before; I have dealt with big decisions before. The results of my previous choices have led me to this - a cliff. I have to jump. This, I have never had to deal with before. No longer do I have the privilege of dealing with decisions that keep me on the ground and moving forward - I now have to free-fall into a black hole where the ground will either save me or kill me once I finally reach it.
Okay, that was a crazy metaphor for my life - but I think you get the idea. My life is one of those awful scenarios where I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. No matter what decision I make - I have to leave everything else behind. If I choose door A or I choose door B, I'm still ending my life. I'm not talking ending my life' in the terms of I'll be dead, but I haven't totally ruled that out yet. Death could possibly be my best option.
Anyway, I don't really know what to type. I don't know what to do, and even my rambling in here isn't helping, which it usually does. I hate everything. I hate fate. I hate life. I hate myself. I got nothing. So I'll type about the nothing I know.
I talked to Scott tonight. He is, for some reason, one of the few people I don't have problems with right now. I have an issue with just about every other person in my life for one reason or another, some of which are justified, many of which are not. Anyway - we were talking and I realized how totally fucked up my world is. I made it that way too. I have no one to blame but myself. I have hit a wall. And not because I was wearing a blindfold, not because someone randomly put it there, not because I couldn't control where I was going - but because I ran all out, top speed, in broad daylight into a fucking wall - when every sign in the world warned me to stop. I'm a wreck and I can't point a finger at one other person. Every major decision I have had to make over the past 2 or so years has been a bad one. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I enjoy totally ruining my life then trying, in vain, to pick up the pieces? I'd really like to think not - but then again - I have no clue. All I know is I'm in this terrible situation and it's my fault. So where do I go from here?
Well, I've already talked about my bad situation - so I guess the only thing to do is now talk about the only other thing I know - and that's all the faults I am composed of that brought me to this place. (I would number them, but that would be just too sad.) I am a hypocrite. I say one thing and do another. I never listen to my own advice. I think only of myself. I expect that everything will work out naturally with very little effort on my part. I cheat. I steal. I lie. And then I get mad when people don't trust me. I justify my mistakes. I am jealous. I don't believe in anything. I give when I shouldn't and take when I really shouldn't. I am stubborn. I follow false hopes. I lose sight of what is really important. I give into temptation. I do not work hard. I am not appreciative. I am spoiled. I speak and/or act before I think. I give up too easily. I do not love unconditionally. I expect more from people than I give. I am a failure.
Okay, well there's me in a nutshell. And I wonder....
Now I at least know my faults. (That list above is just a fraction of them. That is just representative of what I could think of off the top of my head in a matter of a few minutes.) So now what? Well I know, and have accepted, that it is my fault, and no one else’s that I am at this awful point. I also know what particular character traits of mine brought me to this point. Basically I have identified the problem and the reasons for it. I know that is the first step to fixing things. But that, in itself, was a lot to swallow. Honestly - I don't know what to do next. I do know, however, what I don't want to do.
I don't want to go back to Auburn if it means forfeiting a relationship with my family. I don't want to stay here if it means being unhappy and feeling cheated for the rest of my life. I don't want to go to school at a place I care nothing about and go through the motions only to come out just as unmotivated as when I went in. I don't want to not go to school and regret later in life. I don't want to waitress. I don't want to live at home. I don't want to give up before I've tried every possible option. I don't want to depend on other people. I don't want to watch my brother go off to school. I don't want to be reminded of how off course I am. I don't want my family to lose faith in me. I don't want my friends to be mad at me. I don't want to continue to bring everyone down. I don't want these problems to still be issues in 5 years. I don't want to be estranged from my parents. I don't want to end up with nothing. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I'm worthless. I don't want to be in this position again. I don't want to not get past this. I don't want to continue failing.
So what the fuck do I do?
I pose that question to anyone reading this. I know there are people out there who read this journal and from time to time leave me a post -- or not. If you read this, please leave me something, even if we never talk anymore. It is not necessary for you to tell me that I need help, because I already know that. I'm working on it. These last few entries have been brutally honest. I'm just at a point in my life where sugar coating everything just isn't going to fly. This, however dark and disturbing, is how I feel - and this, however pathetic and upsetting, is where my life is. Just leave me your thoughts. I know you may not know every detail of my life, but they are just that - details. If you realize something Mareena, Scott, Andrew, Ben, Heather, Becky, or whoever else, then please leave your ten cents. Please, however, realize that I'm just about at the end of my rope and if what you have to say is bad or negative then, saying nothing will say so much. You have a chance to really help someone here.
--
It's four o'clock in the morning. I'm currently in Scott's dorm room. I realized, laying here, trying to fall asleep, that my life is over. Like over, over. I would get into the details that made it this way, but that would only waste your time and mine. Basically, if you know me at all then you know my life is a total rollercoaster. What you may not know, however, is that my life is also beyond repair. I have dealt with ultimatums before. I have dealt with crossroads before; I have dealt with big decisions before. The results of my previous choices have led me to this - a cliff. I have to jump. This, I have never had to deal with before. No longer do I have the privilege of dealing with decisions that keep me on the ground and moving forward - I now have to free-fall into a black hole where the ground will either save me or kill me once I finally reach it.
Okay, that was a crazy metaphor for my life - but I think you get the idea. My life is one of those awful scenarios where I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. No matter what decision I make - I have to leave everything else behind. If I choose door A or I choose door B, I'm still ending my life. I'm not talking ending my life' in the terms of I'll be dead, but I haven't totally ruled that out yet. Death could possibly be my best option.
Anyway, I don't really know what to type. I don't know what to do, and even my rambling in here isn't helping, which it usually does. I hate everything. I hate fate. I hate life. I hate myself. I got nothing. So I'll type about the nothing I know.
I talked to Scott tonight. He is, for some reason, one of the few people I don't have problems with right now. I have an issue with just about every other person in my life for one reason or another, some of which are justified, many of which are not. Anyway - we were talking and I realized how totally fucked up my world is. I made it that way too. I have no one to blame but myself. I have hit a wall. And not because I was wearing a blindfold, not because someone randomly put it there, not because I couldn't control where I was going - but because I ran all out, top speed, in broad daylight into a fucking wall - when every sign in the world warned me to stop. I'm a wreck and I can't point a finger at one other person. Every major decision I have had to make over the past 2 or so years has been a bad one. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I enjoy totally ruining my life then trying, in vain, to pick up the pieces? I'd really like to think not - but then again - I have no clue. All I know is I'm in this terrible situation and it's my fault. So where do I go from here?
Well, I've already talked about my bad situation - so I guess the only thing to do is now talk about the only other thing I know - and that's all the faults I am composed of that brought me to this place. (I would number them, but that would be just too sad.) I am a hypocrite. I say one thing and do another. I never listen to my own advice. I think only of myself. I expect that everything will work out naturally with very little effort on my part. I cheat. I steal. I lie. And then I get mad when people don't trust me. I justify my mistakes. I am jealous. I don't believe in anything. I give when I shouldn't and take when I really shouldn't. I am stubborn. I follow false hopes. I lose sight of what is really important. I give into temptation. I do not work hard. I am not appreciative. I am spoiled. I speak and/or act before I think. I give up too easily. I do not love unconditionally. I expect more from people than I give. I am a failure.
Okay, well there's me in a nutshell. And I wonder....
Now I at least know my faults. (That list above is just a fraction of them. That is just representative of what I could think of off the top of my head in a matter of a few minutes.) So now what? Well I know, and have accepted, that it is my fault, and no one else’s that I am at this awful point. I also know what particular character traits of mine brought me to this point. Basically I have identified the problem and the reasons for it. I know that is the first step to fixing things. But that, in itself, was a lot to swallow. Honestly - I don't know what to do next. I do know, however, what I don't want to do.
I don't want to go back to Auburn if it means forfeiting a relationship with my family. I don't want to stay here if it means being unhappy and feeling cheated for the rest of my life. I don't want to go to school at a place I care nothing about and go through the motions only to come out just as unmotivated as when I went in. I don't want to not go to school and regret later in life. I don't want to waitress. I don't want to live at home. I don't want to give up before I've tried every possible option. I don't want to depend on other people. I don't want to watch my brother go off to school. I don't want to be reminded of how off course I am. I don't want my family to lose faith in me. I don't want my friends to be mad at me. I don't want to continue to bring everyone down. I don't want these problems to still be issues in 5 years. I don't want to be estranged from my parents. I don't want to end up with nothing. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I'm worthless. I don't want to be in this position again. I don't want to not get past this. I don't want to continue failing.
So what the fuck do I do?
I pose that question to anyone reading this. I know there are people out there who read this journal and from time to time leave me a post -- or not. If you read this, please leave me something, even if we never talk anymore. It is not necessary for you to tell me that I need help, because I already know that. I'm working on it. These last few entries have been brutally honest. I'm just at a point in my life where sugar coating everything just isn't going to fly. This, however dark and disturbing, is how I feel - and this, however pathetic and upsetting, is where my life is. Just leave me your thoughts. I know you may not know every detail of my life, but they are just that - details. If you realize something Mareena, Scott, Andrew, Ben, Heather, Becky, or whoever else, then please leave your ten cents. Please, however, realize that I'm just about at the end of my rope and if what you have to say is bad or negative then, saying nothing will say so much. You have a chance to really help someone here.