You're a stupid bitch.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MONSIEUR BRADLEY JAMES. You are a generally delightful human being and I am exceedingly pleased that your parents decided to have sex, and that the result of that combined in such a lovely expression of DNA. I also hope you are celebrating by having a lot of spectacular sex with your boyfriend, and then as a birthday present to the internet/my pants, you decide to release pictures or youtube videos or something.
AHEM. ANYWAY. Today is boring. I'm attempting to get my reading for class done, but it's St. Thomas Aquinas and MY GOD HE IS THE MOST BORING MAN ALIVE. JFC. I'm 99% sure he became a priest not because he felt some divine calling, but rather because he could not get laid. Like, if Thomas Aquinas was trying to pick you up, he'd do it in the following manner:
FIRST ARTICLE
WHETHER WE SHOULD JOINTLY ACHIEVE ORGASM
We proceed thus to the first article:-
Objection 1: It would seem that as I am an attractive, slightly inebriated individual, you, too, are an attractive, slightly inebriated individual. As copulation is most commonly achieved when two individuals are slightly inebriated and mutually attractive, it seems most logical that such an event would occur between us.
Objection 2: It is scientifically noted that when a male sees a person to which he is attracted, the flow of blood in his body switches to a downward circulation. Upon considering our joining sexually, my blood responded thus.
Objection 3: It is noted that regular sexual release is healthy for a human adult, thus by choosing to achieve this end, we are assuring our good health.
On the contrary: You are a human and possessing of free will, and should your body to respond in a corresponding manner to mine, it is most unethical to attempt sexual intercourse with an unwilling party.
I answer that, as you have not thrown your drink in my face, you may perhaps be interested in my suit, and I have stipulated why I am interested in you. Barring your refusal, copulation should proceed posthaste.
Reply to Objection 1: Your refusal indicates that while you may be slightly inebriated, it is not enough to find me attractive if, indeed, you ever found me attractive at all.
Reply to Objection 2: Though a male may experience a fire in his loins at the sight of an attractive individual, it is possible to quench such a fire by participating in a mental exercise of imagining something unpleasant, or perhaps by satisfying the urge of his own actions.
Reply to Objection 3: Should a male achieve release upon his own person, the presence of another is therefore nullified.
AND IT GOES ON LIKE THAT FOR TWENTY PAGES ON IF THERE IS MORALITY IN LAW OR BLAH BLAH BLAH AND FUCK THOMAS AQUINAS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I keep falling asleep instead of finishing.
Things I do give a shit about, though! MERLIN. MERLIN THIS WEEK OH MY FUCK.
BOYFRIENDS. omg. Dudes, I need so much fic about Colin and Bradley making out in the forest. I would write it myself but my writing-fu is broken. But basically, the actual scripted shit that Bradley and Colin were supposed to do was NOT INHERENTLY THAT GAY. You run, you argue, you run some more. I mean, if you're a crazy shipper, yes, gay. But if you're not, you probably wouldn't notice.
Now I don't know if it was the director (ALL IS FORGIVEN, ALICE T, AND NOW I REALLY WANT YOU, COLIN, AND KATIE TO DO A COMMENTARY FOR THIS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU CALL COLIN OUT ON HOW BOYFRIENDLY HE IS AND MAKE HIM VAGUELY UNCOMFORTABLE)or just the fact that Bradley and Colin could be pretty much doing anything in a scene together including, like, crying while chopping onions, and somehow they'd manage to make it seem super-intimate and laden with crackling chemistry. (This is something my brother has commented on unprompted for EVERY SINGLE Merlin episode he's watched, he gets really frustrated and shouts "WHY IS IT THAT MERLIN AND ARTHUR'S ACTORS WANT TO FUCK SO BADLY? IT'S CHANGING THE ENTIRE MEANING OF THE SCRIPT!!!" and then he leaves the room and gets huffy.) BUT EITHER WAY, FUCKING GAYEST THING THIS SHOW HAS EVER DONE EVER. PLEASE, SHOW, KEEP TOPPING (HAHAHHAHAHAH) YOURSELF EVERY WEEK. I'M ENJOYING THIS IMMENSELY.
Seriously, you cannot tell me Bradley an Colin were all curled up like this all the ding-dong day and didn't snuggle because it was cold or tease each other until they got back to their hotel and had at least a hot makeout session. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE WHAT. SOMEONE WRITE ME THIS PLEASE.
Officially the part that killed me dead-est. The way Colin's hands linger so softly on his cheek! OH COLINCAKES. I think this is the answer to why Bradley is Señor Handsypants and Colin always keeps his v. firmly to himself. Between this and the hair stroking in Beauty and the Beast Part 2, I think we can conclude that Colin is able to remain in control only so long as he isn't touching Bradley, at which point even he isn't a good enough actor to not pet him like a puppy. And then! Colin's tear-filled eyes and hoarse voice (that starts sounding more Irish, I noticed, and my heart melted EVEN MORE) while he rests his hand against Bradley's face and trying to tease him awake by pretending he didn't need him and I was just sitting there like OMFG YES YES YES I SHIP ALL COMBINATIONS AND PERMUTATIONS AND INCARNATIONS OF THESE TWO OMFG YESSSSSSSSSS.
STOP! BRADLEYTIME! What, you thought I'd neglect the Bradley's Magical Face moment of the week?
Also I LOVED THIS SCENE SO MUCH. It was so... married. Arthur was all "Eh, Merlin? Eh? Eh? What do you think? I HAVE THE BEST TASTE, AMIRITE? I need you to sign the card, by the way, so she knows it's from the both of us." And Merlin is all "OH BOIFRAND" because a) he's all OH THANK FUCKING JESUS and b) only Arthur would essentially get Morgana what he wanted for her birthday. I mean obvs Morgana would want something stabby, but that's such a dinky little boy's letter opener and so plain and BORING. I think we can all agree that Arthur was only using Morgana's birthday as an excuse to go to Stabby Things 'R Us and ogle.
I also love this cap because it shows off my very favorite (and, in my opinion, most criminally under-appreciated) part of Bradley. THOSE EYES. I absolutely adore them. They're so large and blue and they can go from v. srs and piercing and kingly to like in this cap where they're giant puppy eyes like OH LIKE ME LIKE ME PLEASE LIKE ME, and they're this gorgeous, distinctive shape where the corners are closer to the upper lid than the lower lid and point upward, which just makes them SO PRETTY. Also, yes, I do think about these things when I look at people's faces. Including if I were to look at yours. I look at the corners of your eyes, or really, my eye goes immediately to the first thing that makes a face unusual. For Bradley, it's his nose and eyes. But let's leave my neuroses alone and focus on the pretty.
I WILL NEVER STOP LOL-ING AT THIS. LUCINDA SCRIPT: THE PREFERRED FONT OF EVILDOERS EVERYWHERE.
THING NUMBER TWO I WILL NEVER STOP LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT. Oh, show. Look, I get that you are trying desperately to insert even the littlest smidge of heterosexuality, and also trying to make Arthur/Gwen seem less random and more like THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER, but... no. Look, I think Bradley and Angel are great actors. (Bradley because this show has shown him off rather well, Angel because I've seen her in other things and can only conclude that this show done her so very wrong), but there is one thing even the greatest actors of all time cannot fake, and that is chemistry. It is an utterly ineffable thing that has ruined countless shows. It just is or it isn't. And with Bradley and Angel, it isn't. We all know they get along great, and in scenes where they're being goofy or infatuated adolescent-style they pull it off awesomely. But in serious scenes it becomes awkward, as illustrated by this cap. Angel's really giving it her all here and trying to stare deep into his eyes and going the melodrama and swelling violins route, and Bradley is like UM MY HANDS WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS. OH GOD WHY ARE YOUR HANDS ON MY FACE. It isn't even just this screencap. He has this super-uncomfortable pout the entire time.
I mean, on one hand, I suppose we can consider it good that Arthur and Gwen are wonky, chemistry-wise, because they're supposed to crash and burn spectacularly, but when the show's trying to make them ~*~EPIC TWU WUV~*~ because Arthur is in no way gay for his manservant, no siree! ...It's just awkward. I'm sorry. Embrace that aspect of the legend, show writers. Make them good friends that Arthur marries because he knows she'd make a good queen and she thinks Lancelot won't have her! Let Arthur be gay! JUST GO THERE.
...this will be a rant I will indulge in next week in my column. OH, I AM JUST GETTING STARTED, Y'ALL.
Merlin agrees. INTIMACY: UR DOIN IT WRONG.
INTIMACY: HOW TO DO IT RIGHT. Arthur and Merlin never touch once in this scene. Their eyes never meet. And this is still a scene I felt like I shouldn't be watching this. Arthur allows himself to be vulnerable in front of Merlin, to discuss his feelings and pain, and Merlin responds in the way Arthur wants - he listens. Look, Gwen's not being a bad person when she does what she does. Some people want bracing platitudes when they're upset. But with Arthur, I'd warrant that since he's so uncomfortable admitting any trace of doubt or fear, reassurance makes him feel like he was an idiot for voicing it in the first place. With Gwen being like "No, YOU WILL BE THE GREATEST KING EVER", that's not comforting. Now he feels like OH SHIT I HAVE TO BE OR SHE WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE. (She won't.)
Merlin, though, acts very differently with Arthur. He voices his confidence seemingly unprompted to Arthur, not just as a treat or reward. His faith and trust in Arthur is completely unconditional, and he constantly voices his opinions enough (instead of biting it back, as Gwen does) that Arthur knows that when Merlin says stuff like OMG YOU WILL BE THE BEST KING EVER, he means it. He's saying it because he wants to, because he is never indulgent of Arthur. (Or so Arthur thinks, because he's a spoiled brat.) And when Arthur needs to speak, he's there. He listens. He doesn't mock Arthur, he doesn't tell him he's wrong. He stands there and lets Arthur be a person.
Not only do I wish that the show would just let Merlin and Arthur be gay (oh, I have essays I could write on this), but I want there to be more opportunities for Arthur to offer comfort to Merlin in kind. Because the one time we saw him do that at the end of the Lady of the Lake episode it was GLORIOUS. Arthur, even as emotionally stunted as he is, knows just what to do to make Merlin feel better. THEY ARE SO PERFECT TOGETHER I CAN'T STAND IT. I firmly believe that Merlin would have let Morgana die, if it wasn't for Arthur's grief. Which is ironic, really.
THE OFFICIAL PENDRAGON STANCE OF MANPAIN.
Seriously, though, Uther, IF MORGANA IS REALLY YOUR DAUGHTER, STOP PERVING ON HER. The Oedipal thing was crazypants this week.
First of all, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST COLIN MORGAN ALKJFSLKJFSDLKJ. His profile! Sweaty! ASKDJFLSKJ THIS SCREENCAP IS LIKE SEX.
But poor widdle Merlin. I really think the dragon was being a douchebag. It seems to me that fate in the Merlin universe is fixed. None of what happened would have happened exactly as Merlin saw it (especially with the drippy fingers) if he hadn't tried to stop it. (And, I should note, this is the same thing that happened LAST time he tried to alter what he saw in a crystal). Also, if destiny/fate/whatever was such a malleable thing, how could there even be such a thing as seers or crystals? They'd be wrong ALL THE TIME. What if it hadn't been Merlin, what if there'd just been a gust of wind? What if Morgana had been riding and a tree branch broke? Clearly, the dragon is being a guilt-inducing asshole. I mean, what if Merlin had let Morgana die? I'm sure that won't come out or strain his relationship with Arthur even more when Arthur learns about everything. And isn't Merlin's prime directive to make sure Arthur's the greatest king ever and Merlin's by his side? How is Merlin going to get Arthur to do ANYTHING if he killed his de facto sister? Arthur will kill him. Magic won't even be an issue.
If you want to look at who really needs a come-to-Jesus talk, let's look at this bitch:
What are you doing. What, what, what are you doing. You're going to kill Uther just because he won't admit he's your father? Look, I know he's been a stupid bitch, but have you ever realized that he likes you maybe more than a father should? Were you ignoring the fact that he was willing to use magic to save you? Clearly he loves you enough to compromise his values, and maybe if you just talked to him he'd be willing to ease the rules, just a little. and what about your brother, Arthur, who just spent a year looking for you non-stop and helped you get a little druid boy out of the city? You think he won't be willing to back off on the magic thing? Really?
Look, I know you're new to this whole evil thing, but let me give you a hint, you're bad at it. Having a plan rely on a servant never cleaning under the king's bed! Sneaking out of the castle in clicky heels and a bright red cloak! Smirking like you have a facial tic and being about as subtle as a gay pride parade! And all this over what, daddy doesn't love you enough? Newsflash, crazypants, you have a father who tore apart his kingdom looking for you and keeps you in a castle with as many hot clothes and accessories as you want? Look at your life! Look at your choices! Stick with what you're good at, which is hair and makeup, because seriously, girl, you look fabulous. And stop being a stupid bitch.
You're a stupid bitch.
(Yes, Jesus is apparently the Sassy Gay Friend. I see no problem with this.)