Another Hello to a New Year - 2015 style
And it's back again - my usual welcome to the New Year.
So this time the format is going to be a little bit different - no more memes to guide me, just a solid post looking back on 2014 and what I hope will occur in the next year to come. To start off though, a little review of the games I've played, movies watched etc.
Games Played
Movies Watched
Books Read
Shows Watched
Okami
Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
FFX [PT]
FFX-2
Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
The Last of Us [PT]
Bioshock [PT]
Kingdom Hearts 1.5 ReMIX [PT]
Kingdom Hearts 2 [PT]
Kingdom Hearts: BBS Final Mix+
Professor Layton: The Miracle Mask
Pikmin
Persona 4
Bravely Default
- Kagi no Kakatta Heya SP (ドラマ)
- Sherlock s3 (BBC)
- Ghost in the Shell: SAC
- Shitsuren Chocolatier (ドラマ)
- Digimon Adventures
- Pushing Daisies (US)
- Ouran High School Host Club
- Digimon Adventures 2
- Soul Eater
- Digimon Tamers
- Pupa
- Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (US)
- Noragami
- Psycho-pass
- Shinigami-kun (ドラマ)
- Guilty Crown
- Gintama
- Air Gear
- Merlin (BBC)
- Avatar: The Last Airbender
- Ao no Exorcist
- Once Upon a Time
- Mockingjay
- The Queen's Thief*
- Quiet (non-fiction)
- The Narcissism Epidemic (non-fiction)
- The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
- Angel Sanctuary (マンガ)*
- The Golden Compass*
- Soul Eater (マンガ)
- The Works of Mao Zedong Vol.5
- Attack on Titan (マンガ)
- Bleach (マンガ)
- Chihayafuru (マンガ)
- Berserk (マンガ)
- Game of Thrones
- A Clash of Kings
- The Circle of Magic quartet
- The Circle Opens quartet
- The Will of the Empress
- Battle Magic
- Willpower
- The Talent Code
- Why We Do What We Do
- The Sorcerers Heir
- China Marches West
- Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes
- Rurouni Kenshin (マンガ)
- Stravaganza: City of Masks*
- Stravaganza: City of Stars*
- Stravaganza: City of Flowers*
- Pacific Rim
- Lilo and Stitch*
- Mary Poppins*
- Lady and the Tramp*
- The Founding of A Republic (建国大业)
- Thor: The Dark World
- The Lego Movie
- Sunnyspot Girlfriend (陽だまりの彼女)
- Captain America: The Winter Soldier
- X-Men: First Class
- X-Men: Days of Future Past
- Eternal Zero (永遠のゼロ)
- Howl's Moving Castle*
- Rush Hour*
- Mr. Peabody and Sherman
- Love Actually
- How to Train Your Dragon 2
- 12 Years a Slave
- Mamma Mia!
- X-Men*
- X2: X-Men United*
- The Snow White Murder Case (白雪ひめ殺人事件)
- A Chinese Ghost Story
- Mr. Vampire
- Gone Girl
- Big Hero 6
Sorry the table is kind of messed up but I'm really too lazy to dig through LJ HTML to figure out what is going on with it (apologies). Anyway, on to my reflection of 2014
and now for the actual review of 2014.
First Quarter (Jan - Mar): The thing about my second winter semester of university was that I suddenly found myself with a lot of time. I was only taking four courses, and even though my fifth course slot was taken up by my internship (TAP), overall, I just had a lot of time and instead of investing most of that time to a part-time job or school work, I simply "enjoyed life". Well, I did enjoy life, but the reprecussions of that enjoyment hit me a bit hard as my GPA ended up dropping like a rock thrown into a lake. With that being said, in the moment, these three months were incredibly relaxing and enjoyable. I rediscovered my absolute adoration of Final Fantasy X (which I watched on youtube edited as a movie by the wonderful dansg08) and then after that, in my desperate attempt to understand what was the true ending of Tidus and Yuna's story, I muddled my way through FFX-2. Not a bad game, not a great game, it was enjoyable and silly. Then I moved on to Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance (gamecube) which I still don't think I ended up managing to beat because god this game is hard (or maybe I did? I honestly cannot remember). Around midterms period I started watching a movie edited playthrough of The Last of Us which turned out to be super brilliant, and then moved on to watching a playthrough of Bioshock, and then Kingdom Hearts (because you should all know that this is one of my most favourite series of games ever). Replyed Birthy By Sleep and cried and sobbed over that storyline before moving on to Layton, Pikmin, and then I had to put a pause to my gaming for a bit to focus on finals and assignments and what not. Pikmin is a hard game by the way.
So that was my gaming story. During this period I also indulged in some anime (I watched everything up to Noragami). But overall the first three months was a very chill time for me. The biggest thing was really the games - that's what left the biggest impression on me. My courses... well, I took my first couple of history courses and those were the reason for my less than great GPA - it was a lesson well learnt though. Now the thing was - this was a great start to 2014. Sadly - the rest of the year did not turn out as lovely as these three months, which I must admit for somewhat like a dream. A real dream and not like the dream I experienced in summer - which was also a dream, but of a very different style. I will elaborate when that moment comes.
Second Quarter (Apr - Jun): These three months, while still great, was also the beginning to my slide down. You know what they say, with good also comes bad, and witih bad also comes good. I guess in a way I do believe in Karma. During the first quarter of 2014, while playing my games and indulging, I also was desperately searching for summer jobs and during that time I hit upon what I had believed was a dream job: working in Japan for the summer. By the time April came around, I had learnt that I pretty much got the job, I was all set and excited. My volunteering was going great, and up until March I had been enjoying it - but by April the enjoyment had simmered to a veiled disappointment because I realized I was trapped in Montreal all throughout June with nothing to do. It was impossible to get a job or just the months of May/June. Not only this, but TAP was also stopping me from leaving to my dream Japan job early and suddenly the job itself was looking a lot less appealing when I only had barely 11 weeks to spend there.
I am a person who lives by my instincts and usually my instincts have guided me well. I had misgivings about this Japan job because I realized that I wouldn't be making much money from it, but I shouldered on, butting my way through and tried to convince myself (and I really did lie to myself) that what I was doing was right, and if I did it my Japanese would improve and that was all that was important. During this time, I wrote a letter to my friend telling her how much I doubted the job. I wasn't able to trick myself, but by that time it was too late to pull back and cancel. Actually it wasn't, but I was so determined to convince myself this was the right thing to do. May rolled around. I was excited, I got to see my family again first in Toronto, and then for a weekend in New York City. That was a fun trip - you can read a brief summary of what I did in Toronto [here] and New York [here]. They aren't very detailed posts but it's theh gist of what I did. Then... about a week later after that, something happened that made me learn something about myself.
I've always believed, perhaps arrogantly, that I'm a pretty responsible and level headed person. I'm pretty good with money and know how to work my way around things. In May, I realised that was not the case. Perhaps I am being too harsh on myself, but in the very last couple weeks of May I guess it was that time to be kicked off my high horse and to be reminded that I can make mistakes, that I'm still young, inexperienced, but it was a terrible and violent kick. I guess that's what you need though to wake up, perhaps a little nudge wouldn't have worked, but I wasn't prepared. For the first time in about 10 years I sat alone in my apartment sobbing so hard I could barely breath. So many tears came pouring down my face it literally left a puddle on the ground. I had never felt so ashamed and hated myself so much before this moment. This happened after a conversation with my mom in which we talked about the pros and cons of Japans (and I was finally forced to realize that the entire job was a waste of time, but I couldn't back out) and about a promise I had made to my roommate which was silly, stupid, and costful (and this was a promise I had made KNOWING that it was strange and odd and yet I still went through with it despite this nudging feeling in the back of my head telling me this isn't right!). What had really struck me about this moment though, was my ability to hide it. My ability to - during that moment of break down - to totally pull myself together and continue talking to my mom because she called me again 5 minutes later and laugh ath something she said (although it was a dreadfully hollow and empty laugh), before hanging up and immediately breaking down again. It was in this moment I realized how much of myself I hid from the world. How much of myself I had tried to bury and hide and convince myself didn't exist - but it did and I didn't want to face that self. I was scared and it hurt.
There have been many moments in my life where I went through what I called "low periods" - days where I felt like I couldn't get up but forcing myself to, days where I felt like I couldn't breath, days where I just wanted to be alone and miserable. These were mostly in grade 11 and 12, but I thought I had gotten past that in university. This low period I faced was the lowest and darkest. Not only could I not breath, tears would leak out of my eyes at any given moment. I would sit there in shock, feeling as if I had no right to do anything good or happy or enjoyable because I hated myself. I felt sick. I felt like closing my eyes and never waking up. I want to say I moved on but I didn't, because I couldn't. Because Japan loomed up in my future and Japan was one of the reasons I was crying.
May ended, the first two weeks of June flew by and next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Japan.
Third Quarter (Jul - Sep): You can read all about what I did in Okinawa [here]. Now, in my final post I mentioned writing a reflection post and I never did that - so instead, I am going to reflect here. The thing is, my posts about Japan sound very happy and fun and it makes it sound like I had a great time, no regrets - but that's not the case. I'll be honest, I regret going to Okinawa quite a bit and here is why: it was impulsive, silly, and a waste of money and time. I learned a lot and it was an experience, but something I could've experienced elsewhere, later, and much cheaper, and I didn't gain anything from it that I would consier invaluable. It sounds good to other people, but these things often do when you say "I spent a summer working in Okinawa, Japan" - but there are always things going on behind the scenes and for me there were many.
I've never really had a proper job, I usually just spent my summers volunteering and working in my dads office and this fact has always burned me a bit because... I feel like without having a proper job, I am missing a life necessity. I accepted the job to Japan because first job + Japan sounded like a great combination. It was impulsive. Over-eager. I didn't think things through. I didn't bother to calculate that due to taxes and rent and what-not the money I made would not even be able to pay for the plane ticket that my parents had paid for. By the time I landed in Okinawa, I was not happy. I was not excited. I was miserable and frustrated and deeply upset at my own stupidity. Throughout my posts I called Okinawa a dream. I called it that in an ironic way. Why was Okinawa a dream? It was a dream because, without even knowing it, it had become an escape from reality.
Okinawa was not a dream in the nice lovely way that I felt earlier this year - it was a dream in the sense that I had gone there to pause my life, but the entire time I felt the sickening realization that when the dream unpaused nothing would be better, nothing would change, and worst of all - I had spent nearly $2000 just to run away from myself and that type of thing isn't even physically possible. I spent $2000 of my parents money to run away from my problems and half of my problems had stemmed from the spending of that $2000. I arrived in Okinawa and all I felt was dread. I lived in Okinawa and for the first month I was able to convince myself that--you know what, this was a good idea. That lasted a month. By August, as my return to Canada loomed closer, I was slapped with reality and decided to own up to myself. What a fucking joke. Okinawa had not been a good idea. I was living in a dream that was rapidly turning into a nightmare. I was living in a resort island, where most people were absolutely envious of my sunny days and beautiful beaches, and all I felt was dread, sadness, frustration and hate for my own self. For my own stupidity and foolishness. Okinawa was a prison where I was alone and no one and nothing could distract me from tearing myself apart while all I heard from people around me was "you must be so happy".
I would like to say that in a way Okinawa was good because I was able to do a lot of reflecting there. I was able to meet a lot of people, around 24-27 who were all straggler and wanderers who had apparently no aims. They were confused, lost, and they tried to convince me that at the age of 20, how I felt (confused, lost, worried, angry) was fine. I didn't want to tell them that to be honest, I didn't want to turn in to them. I didn't want to be 25 and wander around Japan hopping from crummy hotel job to crummy hotel job simply because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Everything they said to be just sounded like excuses. They just kept telling me it was okay - you're 20, you're allowed to screw up (and to be honest, my mom had told me that too after we discussed my mistake) but honestly, in a way that made me feel worse. I didn't want an excuse like that. I didn't want an easy way out. You don't do what I did and just get away with it "because you're young and 20". There are consequences - I guess in a way I was giving myself my own consequence by hating myself so much.
By the time I left Okinawa I had resolved to get a job and pay my parents back. That didn't happen. I tried, I looked, I applied, and nothing came. I was frustrated, I was discouraged, I was ashamed. None of my friends understood my sudden drive to do more because I didn't want to tell them what I did - and if you noticed I haven't actually mentioned what I did that has made me feel this way. I can't. I can't mention it because even the thought of it freezes me mind, closes my throat, and maks me want to bury myself in a hole. By the end of September though, I realized that I had to move on. A new school year had started, a new semester, I had officially turned 20, and all too soon an entirely new year would begin. I could be hung up on the past, or I could just move on. Move on, move on, move on, and so I did.
Final Quarter (Oct - Dec): I moved on. My last three months of 2014 were uneventful, but I felt fine. I made a mental note to try harder in my courses so that my GPA wouldn't continue to drop and I made a conscious decision to go out and try more things. I started karate and made a new friend (who has actually turned out to be quite a good friend now), tried a bunch of new restaurants, and decided to expand my knowledge of Montreal bit by bit. A friend visited me in November which I was happy about I have yet to check my exam marks but i think I did relatively well... (I'm too scared to check to be honest). Finally in December I had to see my family again.
In Okinawa, in September, I had dreaded the notion of seeing my family and especially my parents faces again. I didn't think I would be able to without bursting in to tears at the memory of what I did - but it was fine. It was fine. But then my sister brought up the topic, although she quashed it just as quickly, but just that slight reference made my blood run cold. I realize that what had occured this year in 2014 will always be a scar for me. A sore point. My pinnacle of stupidity, ignorance, and naivety. A shining example of how spoiled and irresponsible I can be. I will never rid myself of this scar, but in a way, like I said, I was able to move on. It's a scar, scars hurt, but this is a new year. Life moves on, people forgive (not necessarily forget), and hopefully they expect you to have learned and to change and accomodate that mistake.
2014 was a crazy year. It was a roller coaster of emotion and of self realization. In the beginning I was able to rediscover my love of old hobbies, and by the end I was able to rediscover secrets about myself which I had desperately tried to bury (but I realize now that such things should not be forgotten). Was it a good year? I wouldn't say yes - because it was painful, but it was needed and beneficial and in a way I am greatful for the wakeup call that I got. I am glad I had gotten the call now rather than later (although maybe it would've been better if I had gotten it even earlier)! I don't know what 2015 has in store for me, to be honest I haven't thought about it much. I know I am going to graduate in May. I am panicking about what I'm going to do with my apartment and how I'm going to get rid of all my stuff. I am questioning whether doing JET is really the right thing to do and whether I should just forget about it and go back to Vancouver. I have my life ahead of me - it's uncertain, dark, blurry. I'm not looking forward to it, but I am determined to deal with it and deal with it well.
I mentioned that I didn't want to be like the people I met in Okinawa and I don't. My roommates, for the most part, were wonderful people, but I don't want to be like them. I don't want to wander and be lost and run away and ignore my problems and pretend that my uncertainty doesn't exist. It does exist. I am uncertain. Very.
I don't know what 2015 has in store for me, and I am not excited for it. I am nervous and worried. Perhaps some people are right. I am 20. I shouldn't be worrying about these things maybe - most people my age aren't, but I can't help it. I just hope that whatever choices I make this year, I make carefully. I make them with the knowledge of what I did in 2014.
2014 was a year of realizations. 2015, I hope, will be a year of new beginnings.
Graduation. JET or Vancouver. Grad school applications, UBC or not? Other things that I won't be able to predict or anticipate - new friends, new enemies, new passions. 2015 - let's get this shit started.
Past Years:
2011
2012
2013
2014
So this time the format is going to be a little bit different - no more memes to guide me, just a solid post looking back on 2014 and what I hope will occur in the next year to come. To start off though, a little review of the games I've played, movies watched etc.
Games Played
Movies Watched
Books Read
Shows Watched
Okami
Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
FFX [PT]
FFX-2
Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
The Last of Us [PT]
Bioshock [PT]
Kingdom Hearts 1.5 ReMIX [PT]
Kingdom Hearts 2 [PT]
Kingdom Hearts: BBS Final Mix+
Professor Layton: The Miracle Mask
Pikmin
Persona 4
Bravely Default
- Kagi no Kakatta Heya SP (ドラマ)
- Sherlock s3 (BBC)
- Ghost in the Shell: SAC
- Shitsuren Chocolatier (ドラマ)
- Digimon Adventures
- Pushing Daisies (US)
- Ouran High School Host Club
- Digimon Adventures 2
- Soul Eater
- Digimon Tamers
- Pupa
- Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (US)
- Noragami
- Psycho-pass
- Shinigami-kun (ドラマ)
- Guilty Crown
- Gintama
- Air Gear
- Merlin (BBC)
- Avatar: The Last Airbender
- Ao no Exorcist
- Once Upon a Time
- Mockingjay
- The Queen's Thief*
- Quiet (non-fiction)
- The Narcissism Epidemic (non-fiction)
- The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
- Angel Sanctuary (マンガ)*
- The Golden Compass*
- Soul Eater (マンガ)
- The Works of Mao Zedong Vol.5
- Attack on Titan (マンガ)
- Bleach (マンガ)
- Chihayafuru (マンガ)
- Berserk (マンガ)
- Game of Thrones
- A Clash of Kings
- The Circle of Magic quartet
- The Circle Opens quartet
- The Will of the Empress
- Battle Magic
- Willpower
- The Talent Code
- Why We Do What We Do
- The Sorcerers Heir
- China Marches West
- Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes
- Rurouni Kenshin (マンガ)
- Stravaganza: City of Masks*
- Stravaganza: City of Stars*
- Stravaganza: City of Flowers*
- Pacific Rim
- Lilo and Stitch*
- Mary Poppins*
- Lady and the Tramp*
- The Founding of A Republic (建国大业)
- Thor: The Dark World
- The Lego Movie
- Sunnyspot Girlfriend (陽だまりの彼女)
- Captain America: The Winter Soldier
- X-Men: First Class
- X-Men: Days of Future Past
- Eternal Zero (永遠のゼロ)
- Howl's Moving Castle*
- Rush Hour*
- Mr. Peabody and Sherman
- Love Actually
- How to Train Your Dragon 2
- 12 Years a Slave
- Mamma Mia!
- X-Men*
- X2: X-Men United*
- The Snow White Murder Case (白雪ひめ殺人事件)
- A Chinese Ghost Story
- Mr. Vampire
- Gone Girl
- Big Hero 6
Sorry the table is kind of messed up but I'm really too lazy to dig through LJ HTML to figure out what is going on with it (apologies). Anyway, on to my reflection of 2014
and now for the actual review of 2014.
First Quarter (Jan - Mar): The thing about my second winter semester of university was that I suddenly found myself with a lot of time. I was only taking four courses, and even though my fifth course slot was taken up by my internship (TAP), overall, I just had a lot of time and instead of investing most of that time to a part-time job or school work, I simply "enjoyed life". Well, I did enjoy life, but the reprecussions of that enjoyment hit me a bit hard as my GPA ended up dropping like a rock thrown into a lake. With that being said, in the moment, these three months were incredibly relaxing and enjoyable. I rediscovered my absolute adoration of Final Fantasy X (which I watched on youtube edited as a movie by the wonderful dansg08) and then after that, in my desperate attempt to understand what was the true ending of Tidus and Yuna's story, I muddled my way through FFX-2. Not a bad game, not a great game, it was enjoyable and silly. Then I moved on to Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance (gamecube) which I still don't think I ended up managing to beat because god this game is hard (or maybe I did? I honestly cannot remember). Around midterms period I started watching a movie edited playthrough of The Last of Us which turned out to be super brilliant, and then moved on to watching a playthrough of Bioshock, and then Kingdom Hearts (because you should all know that this is one of my most favourite series of games ever). Replyed Birthy By Sleep and cried and sobbed over that storyline before moving on to Layton, Pikmin, and then I had to put a pause to my gaming for a bit to focus on finals and assignments and what not. Pikmin is a hard game by the way.
So that was my gaming story. During this period I also indulged in some anime (I watched everything up to Noragami). But overall the first three months was a very chill time for me. The biggest thing was really the games - that's what left the biggest impression on me. My courses... well, I took my first couple of history courses and those were the reason for my less than great GPA - it was a lesson well learnt though. Now the thing was - this was a great start to 2014. Sadly - the rest of the year did not turn out as lovely as these three months, which I must admit for somewhat like a dream. A real dream and not like the dream I experienced in summer - which was also a dream, but of a very different style. I will elaborate when that moment comes.
Second Quarter (Apr - Jun): These three months, while still great, was also the beginning to my slide down. You know what they say, with good also comes bad, and witih bad also comes good. I guess in a way I do believe in Karma. During the first quarter of 2014, while playing my games and indulging, I also was desperately searching for summer jobs and during that time I hit upon what I had believed was a dream job: working in Japan for the summer. By the time April came around, I had learnt that I pretty much got the job, I was all set and excited. My volunteering was going great, and up until March I had been enjoying it - but by April the enjoyment had simmered to a veiled disappointment because I realized I was trapped in Montreal all throughout June with nothing to do. It was impossible to get a job or just the months of May/June. Not only this, but TAP was also stopping me from leaving to my dream Japan job early and suddenly the job itself was looking a lot less appealing when I only had barely 11 weeks to spend there.
I am a person who lives by my instincts and usually my instincts have guided me well. I had misgivings about this Japan job because I realized that I wouldn't be making much money from it, but I shouldered on, butting my way through and tried to convince myself (and I really did lie to myself) that what I was doing was right, and if I did it my Japanese would improve and that was all that was important. During this time, I wrote a letter to my friend telling her how much I doubted the job. I wasn't able to trick myself, but by that time it was too late to pull back and cancel. Actually it wasn't, but I was so determined to convince myself this was the right thing to do. May rolled around. I was excited, I got to see my family again first in Toronto, and then for a weekend in New York City. That was a fun trip - you can read a brief summary of what I did in Toronto [here] and New York [here]. They aren't very detailed posts but it's theh gist of what I did. Then... about a week later after that, something happened that made me learn something about myself.
I've always believed, perhaps arrogantly, that I'm a pretty responsible and level headed person. I'm pretty good with money and know how to work my way around things. In May, I realised that was not the case. Perhaps I am being too harsh on myself, but in the very last couple weeks of May I guess it was that time to be kicked off my high horse and to be reminded that I can make mistakes, that I'm still young, inexperienced, but it was a terrible and violent kick. I guess that's what you need though to wake up, perhaps a little nudge wouldn't have worked, but I wasn't prepared. For the first time in about 10 years I sat alone in my apartment sobbing so hard I could barely breath. So many tears came pouring down my face it literally left a puddle on the ground. I had never felt so ashamed and hated myself so much before this moment. This happened after a conversation with my mom in which we talked about the pros and cons of Japans (and I was finally forced to realize that the entire job was a waste of time, but I couldn't back out) and about a promise I had made to my roommate which was silly, stupid, and costful (and this was a promise I had made KNOWING that it was strange and odd and yet I still went through with it despite this nudging feeling in the back of my head telling me this isn't right!). What had really struck me about this moment though, was my ability to hide it. My ability to - during that moment of break down - to totally pull myself together and continue talking to my mom because she called me again 5 minutes later and laugh ath something she said (although it was a dreadfully hollow and empty laugh), before hanging up and immediately breaking down again. It was in this moment I realized how much of myself I hid from the world. How much of myself I had tried to bury and hide and convince myself didn't exist - but it did and I didn't want to face that self. I was scared and it hurt.
There have been many moments in my life where I went through what I called "low periods" - days where I felt like I couldn't get up but forcing myself to, days where I felt like I couldn't breath, days where I just wanted to be alone and miserable. These were mostly in grade 11 and 12, but I thought I had gotten past that in university. This low period I faced was the lowest and darkest. Not only could I not breath, tears would leak out of my eyes at any given moment. I would sit there in shock, feeling as if I had no right to do anything good or happy or enjoyable because I hated myself. I felt sick. I felt like closing my eyes and never waking up. I want to say I moved on but I didn't, because I couldn't. Because Japan loomed up in my future and Japan was one of the reasons I was crying.
May ended, the first two weeks of June flew by and next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Japan.
Third Quarter (Jul - Sep): You can read all about what I did in Okinawa [here]. Now, in my final post I mentioned writing a reflection post and I never did that - so instead, I am going to reflect here. The thing is, my posts about Japan sound very happy and fun and it makes it sound like I had a great time, no regrets - but that's not the case. I'll be honest, I regret going to Okinawa quite a bit and here is why: it was impulsive, silly, and a waste of money and time. I learned a lot and it was an experience, but something I could've experienced elsewhere, later, and much cheaper, and I didn't gain anything from it that I would consier invaluable. It sounds good to other people, but these things often do when you say "I spent a summer working in Okinawa, Japan" - but there are always things going on behind the scenes and for me there were many.
I've never really had a proper job, I usually just spent my summers volunteering and working in my dads office and this fact has always burned me a bit because... I feel like without having a proper job, I am missing a life necessity. I accepted the job to Japan because first job + Japan sounded like a great combination. It was impulsive. Over-eager. I didn't think things through. I didn't bother to calculate that due to taxes and rent and what-not the money I made would not even be able to pay for the plane ticket that my parents had paid for. By the time I landed in Okinawa, I was not happy. I was not excited. I was miserable and frustrated and deeply upset at my own stupidity. Throughout my posts I called Okinawa a dream. I called it that in an ironic way. Why was Okinawa a dream? It was a dream because, without even knowing it, it had become an escape from reality.
Okinawa was not a dream in the nice lovely way that I felt earlier this year - it was a dream in the sense that I had gone there to pause my life, but the entire time I felt the sickening realization that when the dream unpaused nothing would be better, nothing would change, and worst of all - I had spent nearly $2000 just to run away from myself and that type of thing isn't even physically possible. I spent $2000 of my parents money to run away from my problems and half of my problems had stemmed from the spending of that $2000. I arrived in Okinawa and all I felt was dread. I lived in Okinawa and for the first month I was able to convince myself that--you know what, this was a good idea. That lasted a month. By August, as my return to Canada loomed closer, I was slapped with reality and decided to own up to myself. What a fucking joke. Okinawa had not been a good idea. I was living in a dream that was rapidly turning into a nightmare. I was living in a resort island, where most people were absolutely envious of my sunny days and beautiful beaches, and all I felt was dread, sadness, frustration and hate for my own self. For my own stupidity and foolishness. Okinawa was a prison where I was alone and no one and nothing could distract me from tearing myself apart while all I heard from people around me was "you must be so happy".
I would like to say that in a way Okinawa was good because I was able to do a lot of reflecting there. I was able to meet a lot of people, around 24-27 who were all straggler and wanderers who had apparently no aims. They were confused, lost, and they tried to convince me that at the age of 20, how I felt (confused, lost, worried, angry) was fine. I didn't want to tell them that to be honest, I didn't want to turn in to them. I didn't want to be 25 and wander around Japan hopping from crummy hotel job to crummy hotel job simply because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Everything they said to be just sounded like excuses. They just kept telling me it was okay - you're 20, you're allowed to screw up (and to be honest, my mom had told me that too after we discussed my mistake) but honestly, in a way that made me feel worse. I didn't want an excuse like that. I didn't want an easy way out. You don't do what I did and just get away with it "because you're young and 20". There are consequences - I guess in a way I was giving myself my own consequence by hating myself so much.
By the time I left Okinawa I had resolved to get a job and pay my parents back. That didn't happen. I tried, I looked, I applied, and nothing came. I was frustrated, I was discouraged, I was ashamed. None of my friends understood my sudden drive to do more because I didn't want to tell them what I did - and if you noticed I haven't actually mentioned what I did that has made me feel this way. I can't. I can't mention it because even the thought of it freezes me mind, closes my throat, and maks me want to bury myself in a hole. By the end of September though, I realized that I had to move on. A new school year had started, a new semester, I had officially turned 20, and all too soon an entirely new year would begin. I could be hung up on the past, or I could just move on. Move on, move on, move on, and so I did.
Final Quarter (Oct - Dec): I moved on. My last three months of 2014 were uneventful, but I felt fine. I made a mental note to try harder in my courses so that my GPA wouldn't continue to drop and I made a conscious decision to go out and try more things. I started karate and made a new friend (who has actually turned out to be quite a good friend now), tried a bunch of new restaurants, and decided to expand my knowledge of Montreal bit by bit. A friend visited me in November which I was happy about I have yet to check my exam marks but i think I did relatively well... (I'm too scared to check to be honest). Finally in December I had to see my family again.
In Okinawa, in September, I had dreaded the notion of seeing my family and especially my parents faces again. I didn't think I would be able to without bursting in to tears at the memory of what I did - but it was fine. It was fine. But then my sister brought up the topic, although she quashed it just as quickly, but just that slight reference made my blood run cold. I realize that what had occured this year in 2014 will always be a scar for me. A sore point. My pinnacle of stupidity, ignorance, and naivety. A shining example of how spoiled and irresponsible I can be. I will never rid myself of this scar, but in a way, like I said, I was able to move on. It's a scar, scars hurt, but this is a new year. Life moves on, people forgive (not necessarily forget), and hopefully they expect you to have learned and to change and accomodate that mistake.
2014 was a crazy year. It was a roller coaster of emotion and of self realization. In the beginning I was able to rediscover my love of old hobbies, and by the end I was able to rediscover secrets about myself which I had desperately tried to bury (but I realize now that such things should not be forgotten). Was it a good year? I wouldn't say yes - because it was painful, but it was needed and beneficial and in a way I am greatful for the wakeup call that I got. I am glad I had gotten the call now rather than later (although maybe it would've been better if I had gotten it even earlier)! I don't know what 2015 has in store for me, to be honest I haven't thought about it much. I know I am going to graduate in May. I am panicking about what I'm going to do with my apartment and how I'm going to get rid of all my stuff. I am questioning whether doing JET is really the right thing to do and whether I should just forget about it and go back to Vancouver. I have my life ahead of me - it's uncertain, dark, blurry. I'm not looking forward to it, but I am determined to deal with it and deal with it well.
I mentioned that I didn't want to be like the people I met in Okinawa and I don't. My roommates, for the most part, were wonderful people, but I don't want to be like them. I don't want to wander and be lost and run away and ignore my problems and pretend that my uncertainty doesn't exist. It does exist. I am uncertain. Very.
I don't know what 2015 has in store for me, and I am not excited for it. I am nervous and worried. Perhaps some people are right. I am 20. I shouldn't be worrying about these things maybe - most people my age aren't, but I can't help it. I just hope that whatever choices I make this year, I make carefully. I make them with the knowledge of what I did in 2014.
2014 was a year of realizations. 2015, I hope, will be a year of new beginnings.
Graduation. JET or Vancouver. Grad school applications, UBC or not? Other things that I won't be able to predict or anticipate - new friends, new enemies, new passions. 2015 - let's get this shit started.
Past Years:
2011
2012
2013
2014