Lack of emotion...
I wasn't going to post about this yet, but since I started talking about it a bit with Rachel (see the comments from my previous post) I figured I should do it now while I'm thinking about it. Better than dredging it up later...
So, Mike called me again today, this time I didn't pick up (yay me). He left a message apologizing for letting the conversation get as bad as it did last night. He said some other stuff too but I forget and don't feel like going back and listening to it again. I waited a little while then sent him a text that said "I got your message, thank you for apologizing, that means a lot. I can't talk to you yet, you really hurt me last night. Please, just back off for a while." He replied to say that he was hurt too. I haven't responded and don't intend to.
I'm not going to start an "I'm hurting more than you are" match with him. It's idiotic and pointless. The unfortunate thing about all of this is that since last night the only way I can describe myself is emotionless... I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed... I'm not sad, angry, upset or anything else. I just feel... blank... If I was still up at Plymouth this would be when I'd go out and be with people, be around positive energy. Being here, I'm kind of stuck... I have no friends in this town, no car so I can't go visit anyone... I could go up and hang out with Richard (my mother's fiance) but he pissed me off this weekend (a whole other story altogether) and now he just keeps getting on my nerves... Not like it'd be much help anyway seeing as I'd end up doing the same thing I'm doing down here, just in a different room with one other person in it.
I made sure I didn't mope around all day, which is a plus. I slept in (good thing since I didn't fall asleep until about 7:30) laid around for a while doing my daily internet stuff, webcomics and all that, then I went upstairs, took a shower and got dressed. When I got back down here I made a grilled cheese sandwich and folded up the couch so I couldn't lay around all day even if I wanted to. When I'm done with this I'm going to either put on a movie or some music and start unpacking. Maybe if I unpack a bit it won't seem as dismal down here... though I can already name some things I KNOW are going to be issues through the summer. First, it's a basement, so it's dead silent if I don't have something on, which is creepy as hell. I've taken to sleeping with the TV on which I've never done before. I'd put my fan on like I used to, but it's fucking cold down here. Second, this room is huge. It's almost the entire basement. It's broken up a bit by some bigger pieces of furniture, but still, it's kind of weird. It also has one wall that's entirely covered in mirrors, which makes it look even bigger. I also have no dresser, so I'm going to have to figure something out ... Lastly... bugs... there were a couple little bugs buzzing around, I could handle that, it's summer (I actually grabbed one out of the air while I was typing this post which was pretty great). There were a couple mosquitoes but they were killed pretty quickly... but last night I came upon something I hope I NEVER see again. While talking to Mike my phone started dying and I had to turn on my light so I could find my charger. I look down and see a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER. Now, I don't mind spiders, mostly, little ones and daddy long legs I can handle, tarantulas I can handle, but for whatever reason the medium sized spiders creep me the fuck out. I'm not afraid of them, it just makes my skin crawl and I get paranoid that it's around. I didn't want to kill it because I don't like killing spiders, and I didn't have anything nearby that I didn't mind getting spider goo on. Thankfully it was scared itself, I think it froze when I turned the light on since it didn't move for like 10 minutes. It eventually went away, but still...
I've ranted enough, I might post again tonight, I might not, depends on how I feel after I unpack some. Here's hoping these last few days aren't an indicator of what the rest of my summer is going to be like...
Edit: I forgot to mention that we talked about Stellar Winds last night. Last night I said I didn't want to play if he didn't want to be friends, he said he was going to retire all my characters. He also said that he'd take my primary character's biggest achievement (the ship she almost died for multiple times while getting, saving and keeping it) away from her. I left it by saying if he was going to do that I wasn't going to play again so he could do whatever he wanted. He apologized for that today as well... His mood swings are really getting to me, but I think I'll rant about that another time.
So, Mike called me again today, this time I didn't pick up (yay me). He left a message apologizing for letting the conversation get as bad as it did last night. He said some other stuff too but I forget and don't feel like going back and listening to it again. I waited a little while then sent him a text that said "I got your message, thank you for apologizing, that means a lot. I can't talk to you yet, you really hurt me last night. Please, just back off for a while." He replied to say that he was hurt too. I haven't responded and don't intend to.
I'm not going to start an "I'm hurting more than you are" match with him. It's idiotic and pointless. The unfortunate thing about all of this is that since last night the only way I can describe myself is emotionless... I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed... I'm not sad, angry, upset or anything else. I just feel... blank... If I was still up at Plymouth this would be when I'd go out and be with people, be around positive energy. Being here, I'm kind of stuck... I have no friends in this town, no car so I can't go visit anyone... I could go up and hang out with Richard (my mother's fiance) but he pissed me off this weekend (a whole other story altogether) and now he just keeps getting on my nerves... Not like it'd be much help anyway seeing as I'd end up doing the same thing I'm doing down here, just in a different room with one other person in it.
I made sure I didn't mope around all day, which is a plus. I slept in (good thing since I didn't fall asleep until about 7:30) laid around for a while doing my daily internet stuff, webcomics and all that, then I went upstairs, took a shower and got dressed. When I got back down here I made a grilled cheese sandwich and folded up the couch so I couldn't lay around all day even if I wanted to. When I'm done with this I'm going to either put on a movie or some music and start unpacking. Maybe if I unpack a bit it won't seem as dismal down here... though I can already name some things I KNOW are going to be issues through the summer. First, it's a basement, so it's dead silent if I don't have something on, which is creepy as hell. I've taken to sleeping with the TV on which I've never done before. I'd put my fan on like I used to, but it's fucking cold down here. Second, this room is huge. It's almost the entire basement. It's broken up a bit by some bigger pieces of furniture, but still, it's kind of weird. It also has one wall that's entirely covered in mirrors, which makes it look even bigger. I also have no dresser, so I'm going to have to figure something out ... Lastly... bugs... there were a couple little bugs buzzing around, I could handle that, it's summer (I actually grabbed one out of the air while I was typing this post which was pretty great). There were a couple mosquitoes but they were killed pretty quickly... but last night I came upon something I hope I NEVER see again. While talking to Mike my phone started dying and I had to turn on my light so I could find my charger. I look down and see a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER. Now, I don't mind spiders, mostly, little ones and daddy long legs I can handle, tarantulas I can handle, but for whatever reason the medium sized spiders creep me the fuck out. I'm not afraid of them, it just makes my skin crawl and I get paranoid that it's around. I didn't want to kill it because I don't like killing spiders, and I didn't have anything nearby that I didn't mind getting spider goo on. Thankfully it was scared itself, I think it froze when I turned the light on since it didn't move for like 10 minutes. It eventually went away, but still...
I've ranted enough, I might post again tonight, I might not, depends on how I feel after I unpack some. Here's hoping these last few days aren't an indicator of what the rest of my summer is going to be like...
Edit: I forgot to mention that we talked about Stellar Winds last night. Last night I said I didn't want to play if he didn't want to be friends, he said he was going to retire all my characters. He also said that he'd take my primary character's biggest achievement (the ship she almost died for multiple times while getting, saving and keeping it) away from her. I left it by saying if he was going to do that I wasn't going to play again so he could do whatever he wanted. He apologized for that today as well... His mood swings are really getting to me, but I think I'll rant about that another time.