Depressing Shit
Been pretty lonely this week. Joe's been away for training so it's just been me and Anthony. Sometimes he can be a real brat. He's gotten into this throwing thing lately, throws his food, his cups, his toys, books, clothes, anything he can pick up he just throws it. The worst part is he says "uh-oh." I know that he doesn't understand the difference between uh-oh meaning an accident and what he's doing is on purpose, uh-oh just means gravity to him... but it just makes me so mad sometimes. And I have no idea how to make him understand that it's not ok to throw things. Other than that he's doing pretty good, he's getting taller, looking less and less like a baby and more like a boy. There are a couple areas where I think I'm really failing him. Diet and socialization. Diet... fuck I don't know how to feed myself nutrionally, I honestly don't know what to do for him since he's become so picky. Socialization.. well I guess that brings me to my next topic.
I think I'm trying to come to terms and admit to myself that I might be depressed. I lack the desire to do just about anything that doesn't involve just being lazy around the house. I don't want to go out and meet people, it takes an enourmous effort to find the energy to just go to the store, there are a lot of things I want to do... but when it comes down to actually getting up and going out, I find I'd rather just sit at home. I snap at people (well, Joe and Anthony are the only ones around), I snap at Joe alot... I really don't mean to and I really don't want to, but things just come out of my mouth in a tone that I know I can't be doing intentionally. Part of it I'm sure is that I'm really homesick. I think about my mom and my family alot and I didn't think it would be this hard to be away from them. I'm sure it has to do with my weight and I'm sure my lack of energy is because my diet sucks. My weight depresses me so much, I can't look at myself in a mirror because I just feel all this self loathing for what I've let happen to my body. I feel ugly and frumpy and fat and unfit.
I don't know what I'm going to do without Joe for four months. I depend on him so much for everything. I'll have my parents, but it won't be the same.