THURSDAY 30TH AUGUST 2012
Today I woke up tired. Exhausted.
I left my bed like a robot programmed to do certain things - but this robot is on low battery.
Movement is slower, and actions are delayed.
But one thing that is different from myself compared to a robot is that I have feelings.
I woke up, and as soon as I did, that pain returned again, quickly as lightning.
I can't breathe very well.
I was told that it sounds like "mini panic attacks".
I don't know how much more I can endure.
My heart hurts.
Its broken.
My body aches all over, every part, and wants to give up.
I weighed myself today. I'm under 7 stone.I've lost 11lbs. I'm now what society call "underweight".
I went to the beach today, but all I felt was sadness.
I took a maximum of two photos.
I'm at a point though where I'm so upset I can't breathe.
My heart keeps jumping all the time and just leaves me breathless for a second or two.
She is the one thing I want more than anything.
I've never cheated, or done anything like that. I give her endless love and affection.
Its so unfair and feels like I'm dead inside.
I just want to cry whenever I think of it.
I want to hold her close right now and hug her but that's never going to happen now is it?
I can't go on like this. Its killing me.
Its tearing me apart from the inside.
I want to play the electric guitar, or learn the drums. But I also miss piano, but I know I won't get another piano as they are far too big and heavy to buy and put in a student home. Not even sure I would be allowed. But the piano sounds so beautiful when its a traditional upright full sized piano. The electric guitar is a bit more convenient for around the house but then again makes up for its size in loudness.
I want to listen to more heavy metal which I used to love. I have quite an open ear when it comes to music genres, but metal and rock always seems to win. I just love the guitars.
I am feeling positive about beating the ocd. Since Monday,I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zones. I'm going to do this. I know it. I won't be afraid anymore and I will be free of it, once and for all.