Looking back on 2012
...and forward to 2013! :D
If I had to sum up 2012 in a sentence I'd say, "I learned a lot". I learned about myself, both my strengths and my limitations. I think I'm finally ready to fully open myself up to another person, just need to find that person lol. I've learned about dealing with disappointment and adjusting your goals to operate within the realms of reality whilst still sticking to your values. I also feel I learned a lot about friendship and who my friends really are.
This year started off with a lot of disappointment. After I'd recovered from the stress of honours and the glow of graduating and being all proud of myself and stuff had worn off, it became abundantly clear that I was not going to be able to continue my studies. Even though I was kind of expecting this, a small part of me still hoped that somehow I would scrape through so when I didn't, it was a pretty big blow to my self worth. This has been ranted and raved about at length in other entries, though, so I won't go into it. That disappointment, however, pretty much set in motion everything else that happened this year. It was the beginning of my journey into the "real world" of looking for a "real job" to try and gain some experience so I could apply again at the end of the year (and try and scrape together some self worth XP). The result was pretty unspectacular. It was simply one rejection after another. Sometimes people would just never bother to get back to me. I was barely employed at the cinema job and suddenly found myself with a huge deal of time on my hands.
This was where things got a bit not so nice for me. Loneliness, boredom and a lack of meaningful employment were huge problems for me for most of this year. It seemed like everyone else in my life was doing really well. So many of them had gone on to get "real jobs" or were traveling or still studying or otherwise occupied. Compared to these people, I felt like a failure and when I saw people, I felt like I had to justify my existence. The people I most wanted to be with simply didn't have time for me and I had to just accept that. I was pretty down about this for a long time. I even started avoiding particular groups of people because I couldn't help comparing myself to them when we were together and always came away feeling worse. My complete lack of ability to effectively reach out to others left me feeling pretty alone in all of this, but let's not dwell to heavily. There were other things, too. family woes (mostly health related), trying to figure out a large and previously unexplored part of myself and my usual everyday battle with crippling insecurities and a deeply rooted self loathing XP
There were good things, too. Road trips, hanging out with friends, manifest, rollerblading, roller derby, graduations new friends and such like. Just sayin' XD
It's at this point that I should thank all the people who stuck with me this year. None of you had to, but you did. When you have very little to offer anyone and can be a bit of a drag to be around because you're so miserable, you soon find out who your real friends are. As usual, I was surprised by some of the people who really came through for me (probably without even realising). So, a big thanks to everyone who spent time with me, tried to keep in touch and responded to my sporadic attempts to keep in touch and catch up. Even if we couldn't actually get together, just responding and trying was enough to remind me I wasn't completely alone in the world. To the people who showed themselves to be the complete opposite of a true friend, f*ck you.
Things started to pick up when I finally got a new job in disability support. Going through the training and having to learn so many new things on the job gave my brain a much needed workout and alleviated much boredom. I was meeting new people, having new experiences and finally doing something useful with my life. There were still awkward questions such as "when are you going to get a job relevant to your degree?/with better pay/etc" and "aren't you going back to study? when?". I couldn't answer these satisfactorily and it was frustrating all around. Progress was progress, however, and I was starting to feel hopeful again. Unfortunately I was still lonely as all get out but just when I was about to give up on ever being a person who people actually want to spend time with, something interesting happened.
I decided to stop being a passive little bitch and actually go out and seek new people. The result was surprisingly successful. With only a small amount of probing I found that just below the surface of things was a whole network of people more than happy to make my acquaintance and take an interest in getting to know me. Nice people, too. As the number of people who are nice to me and will do fun things with me increases, the more confidence I gain to go out and participate in the world around me. I'm slowly regaining my ability to put myself out there. You know, turn up at an event where I know few people/nobody and start talking to people. Seems easy enough but it's a huge thing for me. Not only that, I actually want to be "out there", no longer content to sit in my room and hate myself XD. Finally, I will be returning to study in 2013. As discussed, I will be transplanting myself into a new discipline. Again, this has been discussed previously but this is what I meant by shifting goals. Psych is no longer a realistic aim for me, but other allied health areas are, so that's where I'll be aiming. I just want to help people and feel all useful and stuff. That has always been the aim, hopefully audiologists have a lower rate of burnout than psychologists XD.
So, with my sense of connectedness and self-worth returning, 2013 is shaping up to be much better than its predecessor. I'm looking forward to new adventures, new knowledge and hopefully a new passion. I hope to welcome more new people into my life and hopefully eventually connect properly with other people emotionally. Maybe find someone to open myself up to? Maybe if I'm really lucky they'll open themselves up to me in return. I'm looking forward to hopefully gaining complete independence and learning to at least like myself all the time, because when you don't like yourself it's hard to see why anyone else should like you. That's it. I'm glad 2012 is over and I look forward to much better things in the year ahead. I hope everyone else has a good one too. <3
If I had to sum up 2012 in a sentence I'd say, "I learned a lot". I learned about myself, both my strengths and my limitations. I think I'm finally ready to fully open myself up to another person, just need to find that person lol. I've learned about dealing with disappointment and adjusting your goals to operate within the realms of reality whilst still sticking to your values. I also feel I learned a lot about friendship and who my friends really are.
This year started off with a lot of disappointment. After I'd recovered from the stress of honours and the glow of graduating and being all proud of myself and stuff had worn off, it became abundantly clear that I was not going to be able to continue my studies. Even though I was kind of expecting this, a small part of me still hoped that somehow I would scrape through so when I didn't, it was a pretty big blow to my self worth. This has been ranted and raved about at length in other entries, though, so I won't go into it. That disappointment, however, pretty much set in motion everything else that happened this year. It was the beginning of my journey into the "real world" of looking for a "real job" to try and gain some experience so I could apply again at the end of the year (and try and scrape together some self worth XP). The result was pretty unspectacular. It was simply one rejection after another. Sometimes people would just never bother to get back to me. I was barely employed at the cinema job and suddenly found myself with a huge deal of time on my hands.
This was where things got a bit not so nice for me. Loneliness, boredom and a lack of meaningful employment were huge problems for me for most of this year. It seemed like everyone else in my life was doing really well. So many of them had gone on to get "real jobs" or were traveling or still studying or otherwise occupied. Compared to these people, I felt like a failure and when I saw people, I felt like I had to justify my existence. The people I most wanted to be with simply didn't have time for me and I had to just accept that. I was pretty down about this for a long time. I even started avoiding particular groups of people because I couldn't help comparing myself to them when we were together and always came away feeling worse. My complete lack of ability to effectively reach out to others left me feeling pretty alone in all of this, but let's not dwell to heavily. There were other things, too. family woes (mostly health related), trying to figure out a large and previously unexplored part of myself and my usual everyday battle with crippling insecurities and a deeply rooted self loathing XP
There were good things, too. Road trips, hanging out with friends, manifest, rollerblading, roller derby, graduations new friends and such like. Just sayin' XD
It's at this point that I should thank all the people who stuck with me this year. None of you had to, but you did. When you have very little to offer anyone and can be a bit of a drag to be around because you're so miserable, you soon find out who your real friends are. As usual, I was surprised by some of the people who really came through for me (probably without even realising). So, a big thanks to everyone who spent time with me, tried to keep in touch and responded to my sporadic attempts to keep in touch and catch up. Even if we couldn't actually get together, just responding and trying was enough to remind me I wasn't completely alone in the world. To the people who showed themselves to be the complete opposite of a true friend, f*ck you.
Things started to pick up when I finally got a new job in disability support. Going through the training and having to learn so many new things on the job gave my brain a much needed workout and alleviated much boredom. I was meeting new people, having new experiences and finally doing something useful with my life. There were still awkward questions such as "when are you going to get a job relevant to your degree?/with better pay/etc" and "aren't you going back to study? when?". I couldn't answer these satisfactorily and it was frustrating all around. Progress was progress, however, and I was starting to feel hopeful again. Unfortunately I was still lonely as all get out but just when I was about to give up on ever being a person who people actually want to spend time with, something interesting happened.
I decided to stop being a passive little bitch and actually go out and seek new people. The result was surprisingly successful. With only a small amount of probing I found that just below the surface of things was a whole network of people more than happy to make my acquaintance and take an interest in getting to know me. Nice people, too. As the number of people who are nice to me and will do fun things with me increases, the more confidence I gain to go out and participate in the world around me. I'm slowly regaining my ability to put myself out there. You know, turn up at an event where I know few people/nobody and start talking to people. Seems easy enough but it's a huge thing for me. Not only that, I actually want to be "out there", no longer content to sit in my room and hate myself XD. Finally, I will be returning to study in 2013. As discussed, I will be transplanting myself into a new discipline. Again, this has been discussed previously but this is what I meant by shifting goals. Psych is no longer a realistic aim for me, but other allied health areas are, so that's where I'll be aiming. I just want to help people and feel all useful and stuff. That has always been the aim, hopefully audiologists have a lower rate of burnout than psychologists XD.
So, with my sense of connectedness and self-worth returning, 2013 is shaping up to be much better than its predecessor. I'm looking forward to new adventures, new knowledge and hopefully a new passion. I hope to welcome more new people into my life and hopefully eventually connect properly with other people emotionally. Maybe find someone to open myself up to? Maybe if I'm really lucky they'll open themselves up to me in return. I'm looking forward to hopefully gaining complete independence and learning to at least like myself all the time, because when you don't like yourself it's hard to see why anyone else should like you. That's it. I'm glad 2012 is over and I look forward to much better things in the year ahead. I hope everyone else has a good one too. <3