...I am tired of this feeling...make it go away....please...
Was reading through my friends blogs...noticed my name a few times in them. Also noticed I am worrying them; I do not blame them. I am worrying myself now. Yet again I am doubting this decision I have made, but I will not fall through with it....will I be happy. Part of me believes so but than the other part thinks not...only for one reason. My friends....loosing touch with them. I mean I konw..like I have been told by them*Liz, Inu, Pinky, etc.* there is the phone or letters, but it is not the same.....I am going to miss chatting online. To me that is my phone. If I want to get on the phone I get online to talk to my friends....it will not be the same now, but everyone wants me to be happy and get away from the place that is not making me happy. So I will.
Now...I feel angry-not sure why-but it kind of just hit me. Alot of anger and not sure how to calm it or get rid of it. Also, I am upset or rather depressed about a fall-out I had with a friend and I now believe we did have a fall out. Cause she has not called me, not been online or replied to my email. I may email her again...but I do not see her name on my friend list.....so I am not sure I should of did what I did. Maybe I should of just kept my mouth shut and not told her the stuff that needed to be said. Maybe I should of just gone along with her..and let her be the way she is being...cause then she would still be my friend right? But I guess I would be in the wrong if I did that too...either way it is looked out I come out on the wrong end...just typical.
Now I am bored..no one is on to talk to and I really want to talk but oh well. I shall find something else to make the time go by....not sure what as of yet but I will...
Then there is the NoBrandCon.....I know I am going...Inu has made sure of that as well as the group*Liz, Pinky, Kit and Matt*, but I still feel bad having them *Matt and Inu* mostly pay for the room for me and not wanting me to pay them back. They can all tell me not to worry about that...that they can cover it no biggie. But I still feel....I just do not feel right relying on others, but that is selfish of me isn't it? That is all I ever am...to me at least. Others tell me different....
People tell me what they see in me and inside I am just laughing cause I do not see that. I do not see what others see. They tell me I am strong...that I have 'will'. What a mockery.....I do not see that at all!!! Why?! Why am I strong? Why do I have will? Cause I have had surgeries for all most all my life until I was about 17?!?!?!?! Give me a break!!! I am not strong because of that!!! How pathetic!!! I had no choice in the matter...I had no say in it!! That does not make me strong....not strong at all...
I read in Pinky and Inu's post that: in Inu's that she could be sooo mad at Matt, but no matter what she loved him and always would; in Pinky's I read she wished she had someone like Inu did...someone to hold to be there for her. You know? I don't. At first I thought I did, but I gave up on that. I do not care...I highly doubt I will ever find someone and could careless if I did. Let me be alone..it seems to suit me anyway.....who would want to be with me anyway? *mocking laughter*....yeah right.
Well...I think I am done...that is all I feel like putting. If I angered anyone..jsut typical...let me add to the list of people I have angered or who do not want to be my friends....maybe I should be alone altogether....someone prove me wrong....please....
Now...I feel angry-not sure why-but it kind of just hit me. Alot of anger and not sure how to calm it or get rid of it. Also, I am upset or rather depressed about a fall-out I had with a friend and I now believe we did have a fall out. Cause she has not called me, not been online or replied to my email. I may email her again...but I do not see her name on my friend list.....so I am not sure I should of did what I did. Maybe I should of just kept my mouth shut and not told her the stuff that needed to be said. Maybe I should of just gone along with her..and let her be the way she is being...cause then she would still be my friend right? But I guess I would be in the wrong if I did that too...either way it is looked out I come out on the wrong end...just typical.
Now I am bored..no one is on to talk to and I really want to talk but oh well. I shall find something else to make the time go by....not sure what as of yet but I will...
Then there is the NoBrandCon.....I know I am going...Inu has made sure of that as well as the group*Liz, Pinky, Kit and Matt*, but I still feel bad having them *Matt and Inu* mostly pay for the room for me and not wanting me to pay them back. They can all tell me not to worry about that...that they can cover it no biggie. But I still feel....I just do not feel right relying on others, but that is selfish of me isn't it? That is all I ever am...to me at least. Others tell me different....
People tell me what they see in me and inside I am just laughing cause I do not see that. I do not see what others see. They tell me I am strong...that I have 'will'. What a mockery.....I do not see that at all!!! Why?! Why am I strong? Why do I have will? Cause I have had surgeries for all most all my life until I was about 17?!?!?!?! Give me a break!!! I am not strong because of that!!! How pathetic!!! I had no choice in the matter...I had no say in it!! That does not make me strong....not strong at all...
I read in Pinky and Inu's post that: in Inu's that she could be sooo mad at Matt, but no matter what she loved him and always would; in Pinky's I read she wished she had someone like Inu did...someone to hold to be there for her. You know? I don't. At first I thought I did, but I gave up on that. I do not care...I highly doubt I will ever find someone and could careless if I did. Let me be alone..it seems to suit me anyway.....who would want to be with me anyway? *mocking laughter*....yeah right.
Well...I think I am done...that is all I feel like putting. If I angered anyone..jsut typical...let me add to the list of people I have angered or who do not want to be my friends....maybe I should be alone altogether....someone prove me wrong....please....