5... 3? Ok, more like 4 times Eliot Spencer saves Tony (but not really)
Ok so maybe this needs slash goggles, or it doesn't. I think it's gen... mostly.
This is for Voni. Without her help, this would have NEVER gotten done. Also for Bethy for the epic cheerleading. And the folks who read it from the Tribal Forces con. Without them, parts of this wouldn’t make nearly as much sense. This fic took an embarrassingly long time to finish. I hope you all enjoy it.
There is a quote from Escape from Alcatraz.
Also, a warning. There are a lot of parentheses.
5 3? Ok, more like 4 times Eliot saves Tony (but not really)
1. Ohio State University
It starts out like this. Tony is a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed college student on a date; one of those dates you know is gonna end with you in bed, smoking a cigarette, and very, very satisfied. Never mind his date is his professor, but really, she was coming on to him. What was he supposed to do, ignore it? Besides, he is a very studious student - if you don't count that time when he fell asleep in class, had a dream he was a superhero who could leap tall buildings in a single bound, and promptly tried to leap out of his seat. That had hurt for weeks.
So there he is, on his very successful date, ready to make his move, when this cowboy with his long hair, strong jawline (really, Tony is a bit jealous), and well defined musculature moseys on over to his table (no, seriously, he moseys on over. Like Clint Eastwood in the 50 million cowboy movies he did), grabs a seat, and proceeds to ruin his chances. Yep, nothing to see here, no chance of getting laid tonight, folks.
The crazy thing is, after listening to the very few, descriptive words this guy says, he can't really blame him. With just 2 sentences and a few grunts and glares, he saves Tony's ass from a blackmailing, double-crossing, really hot bitch who tends to eat young, virile guys (like himself), spit them out, and then rinse and repeat. While he's really pissed at not getting laid, he actually can't help but thank the guy (and really? A buff dude like him has a name like Eliot?) for saving him. Tony invites the dude out for a drink, which turns into another, then another, until finally they're giggling like little school girls (Tony) and arm wrestling (Eliot), like guys should do and Tony thinks, this guy is pretty cool.
For a cowboy.
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2. Peoria, Illinois
It's Tony's first job as a civil servant. He's a rookie cop on the streets of Peoria, Illinois patrolling his beat (and all Tony can think about is how he wishes he had an awesome car like Starsky and Hutch or Magnum. Man, Magnum had a cool car) with his detective partner in charge who "is the boss and don't you forget it". Tony has to admit that he's learning a lot but he'd never say that out loud. His partner has the biggest ego ever and that's saying something, because let's face it -- Tony's ego is pretty big. Tony's describing how the original Godfather movie paved the way for other awesome gangster movies like Goodfellas and how it totally set a new standard in movie making when they get a call about a bar brawl that's gotten a bit out of control and could the police please show up with their big guns and restore order?
They're first at the scene when they squeal to a stop in front of the bar. Since Tony is still a baby, compared to his partner, Tony follows him into the bar, ready to assess the scene. As he crosses the threshold, he immediately has to duck to avoid a beer bottle aimed for his head. He and his partner wade in and Tony becomes light as a feather and tries to sting like a bee as he pretends to restore order without hurting the drunken idiots... much. As he's "subduing" the patrons, he sees in the corner a man who looks very familiar. See, Tony has a thing for faces, makes him a good investigator really, absolutely fabulous, and this face, this is a face he's seen somewhere. A face only a mother could love. Where the hell had he seen that guy before?
It takes a dodge and a right hook to another moron before he realizes that he's just stared down Amadeo "9 Fingers" Carducci, one of the top lieutenants of the Chicago mob. Which, really, is odd, because they're in Irish territory and in Peoria and... oh. Oh, this can't be good. Different scenarios run through Tony's mind for why an Italian mobster is hanging out in an Irish Pub and each one is worse than the next. Tony starts to make his way over to Carducci, determined to figure out just what the hell is going on, when he sees Carducci going for something in his jacket. Tony hesitates and just stops himself from pulling his weapon. The bar is crowded and he's getting jostled enough that he's not sure he can safely pull his gun and aim it without some dumbass trying to pop him in the head. Tony presses forward but that hesitation costs him precious time. Carducci pulls out a gun, a small revolver that's easy to transport but can still do a lot of damage, and aims it at some point to the left of Tony.
And Tony really is the idiot because he dives forward to try to stop Carducci from killing who is probably some high level Irish mob member and starting a friggin' mob war in his town when he's suddenly tackled from the side and blinking up into familiar blue eyes.
Tony coughs, cause Jesus, that hurt, and rasps out, "Eliot?"
Eliot gives a small grin, which for him, is a huge smile and says, "Tony."
Tony takes a deep breath and realizes that Eliot's weight is crushing him into the dirty, beer-stained floor and shoves at him. "Get off me, man."
Eliot takes a quick look around and Tony remembers the reason why he is here. As Eliot
offers him a hand up, Tony also takes stock of the situation and see that Carducci has disappeared into the night or at least outside. The brawl Tony had been breaking up is mostly finished and backup arrives in time to pick up the stragglers. No one seems to be bleeding or in any serious danger of dying so Tony mentally pats himself on the back for a job well done and grins at Eliot. "What're you doing here?"
Eliot shrugs. "Ya know, I was in the neighborhood."
Tony raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, right."
"You're welcome, by the way," and with that, Eliot starts to walk away.
Tony is confused for a second. "For what?"
Eliot grins over his shoulder, "Saving your life... again."
Tony frowns and yells at Eliot as he's leaving the bar, "Again? That first time doesn't count!" He runs out after Eliot, trying to look like he's on official police business and yells, "no seriously, you can't count that!"
They argue about it over beers the next night.
Eliot is gone 2 days later. It's not until a week passes, when they make the arrest of Amadeo Carducci on charges of racketeering and other Very Bad Things, that Tony realizes why Carducci's new nickname has been just been changed to "8-fingers".
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3. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
It's the holiday season and everyone seems to be infected with the spirit of the cheer. It's promising to be a White Christmas and even Tony has to admit that he's feeling pretty festive. It also helps that Eliot's in town. Tony hasn't seen him in almost a year, not since the great Peoria Chess incident they promised they would never ever mention (and really, Tony had been getting spoiled, seeing Eliot twice in the same city. But they both agreed they needed a break after said great Peoria Chess incident). Eliot calls him up and says he'll be in Philly for a few days and hell yeah, he wants to hang out. Tony's noticed that when Eliot comes to see him, it's often to recuperate. His friend usually has some new injury, moves slowly, and is always really, really jumpy (and he won't admit it but Tony once tried to run a background check on Eliot Spencer - hey, he's a cop and he's curious, damnit. When Tony saw that his friend had an Interpol file, he immediately closed it without reading anything. He figures it's better to use a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality here. Besides, Eliot never seems to break the law around him. What Tony doesn't know won't hurt him.).
He's trying to decide what to do during his vacation. He's requested off on the the 23rd through the new year while Eliot's in town and he wants to kick off their vacation with a bang. It's then that he hears one of the lab guystalking about a pub crawl on the 23rd, with a catch. Tony grins and after getting the details, begins to make plans.
Eliot arrives on the 22nd and they decide to stay in that night and shoot the shit. Eliot offers to cook and Tony immediately agrees because Eliot is absolutely amazing at cooking (the man is awesome with a knife... it kinda freaks Tony out a bit). He makes this really exotic dish from the Middle East, lamb and falafel, warm pita and kibab. Tony's in heaven and asks Eliot to marry him. Repeatedly.
After dinner and with a few beers in them, Tony explains his plans for the next night. Eliot looks at him and maybe it's the beers, maybe he's just too tired, or maybe he's way too familiar with the stubborn and excited look in Tony's eyes but he agrees and they make plans to get their costumes together in the morning. The 23rd dawns cold and clear. Tony takes Eliot to be all touristy and see the city. They stop for cheese-steaks during lunch at some hole in the wall Tony found 'cause it's Philly, and duh, cheese-steaks. They travel around and in between seeing Independence Hall and Reading Terminal Market, they get the clothes they'll need for their costumes for the night. Before they know it, it's 10:00 P.M. and they're heading for Manayunk.
Both men ignore the looks they get from the other bar hoppers as they walk down Main Street to one of the many bars. Eliot is dressed in his newly rented Santa Suit, fake beard and all. His woolen red coat covers a pillow strapped to his middle. He looks absolutely ridiculous with his Santa Hat tilted rakishly, but then, Tony shouldn't talk. Tony is similarly attired with a lot more bells on. Every step he takes jingles and he can't help adding an enthusiastic swing to his steps.
They get to the bar where at least 30 other guys in various states of Santa dress are starting the night with $3 Coors. The two men grin at each other again as they catch sight of the women in skimpy elf costumes. They head to the bar, planning their strategies for the night as they order their drinks.
When he wakes up the next morning, Tony vaguely remembers beer, handcuffs, a little person, more beer, and strangely enough, cheesecake. His head hurts, his suit has suspicious stains and his hat is lost forever (probably in the cesspool that is the Schuykill River). Asking Eliot what the hell happened just gets him a glare and strange rants about commercialism, why never to wear red ("it's like wearing a bullseye, man!") and about 10 distinct reasons why long beards suck. Eliot seems to realize that he's rambling and finally just says, "I wouldn't go to that bar again."
After he's sworn to secrecy, Tony just knows he somehow owes Eliot again. Damnit.
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3.5 Washington D.C., District of Columbia
BONUS: For Von, the sickie one at the time
Tony hates being sick, like really hates it. He could handle the sniffling and the coughing and hell, even the sneezing -- after all, he is Anthony Dinozzo, Very Special Agent Extraordinaire and second in command to the great Gibbs himself -- but the one thing he absolutely hates is the achiness. He's under 40 for Pete's sake, there is no reason for him to feel like a crotchety old man who smells like Ben Gay and wears ugly woolen sweaters. But the flu had been going around the offices, starting with the computer nerds in the basement (and seriously, they never go outside, how did they get it?) and ending with said Very Special Agent who had already survived the plague once and would not be bested by a measly virus, damnit.
But when the evil flu attacked him, it did so without mercy or remorse. So it somehow makes sense that he share his misery with someone who was, in his own way, as merciless and remorseless as the flu.
im dying
ure texting so ure not dying.
ys i am so dying. id know if i was dying
wht happnd?
cant. breathe.
ure fingers r wrking fine.
i hate u.
seriously who do i hve to kill?
my body. hurts so much, i have the freakin flu
oh shit man. one of my team got it, its nasty.
everything hurts, kill me now.
too far away.
haaaaaate.
stop bein a baby.
ure dead to me
At that point, because Tony's sick and because he can, he ignores any other texts from Eliot (all 2 of them, the man is a horrible friend, really) and curls into a Tony-sized ball of misery.
Two days later, Tony still feels like crap and is sniffling his way through his 5th tissue box when he gets a delivery at his door. It's this crazy box with styrofoam and this weird container and inside, packed in a very cold large tupperware container is frozen chicken soup and a post-it. "You're still a baby".
Tony texts Eliot that night, warm and full of chicken soup goodness: still hate u.
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1 time Tony saved Eliot (but not really)
Washington D.C., District of Columbia
It's not that they're teenage girls but they like to keep in touch. At least once a month, Tony and Eliot settle down for a guys night and catch up via phone. While Tony is relatively stationary (thanks to NCIS), he often keeps odd hours (thanks to Gibbs and his crazy work ethic) that make anyone visiting him a hassle. And Eliot... well Eliot has settled down with some crew that seem to make Eliot content. Tony doesn't ask for many details because he knows his friend gets into some freaky shit and the less he knows, the better. Their conversations usually consist of basketball (Tony), how ridiculously crazy and insane his friends are (Eliot), football (Eliot again), the newest movies out (Tony), and anything else of interest. Once they even had an hour long conversation comparing the fighting styles of the United States Marines and the Mossad (of which Tony had experienced both) because, really, they were very distinctive fighting styles (Eliot).
So it comes as a surprise to Tony when he gets a phone call during work hours from Eliot; he knows something is about to go horribly wrong or be amazingly hilarious.
"I accept your apology," Tony says as he answers his cell. Ziva glances up at him and Tony ignores her questioning look. A guy like him has to have some mystery after all.
There's a pause and then Eliot answers. "I am not calling to apologize. I... I need a favor."
And with that, Tony turns his full attention to the phone, sitting up and turning his back to his coworkers, a very dangerous thing. "I'm sorry... doth my ears deceive me? Can you repeat that? Maybe a little louder?"
"I hate you."
Tony smirks. "Oh well in that case I have to get back to work, very important crimes to solve and--"
"I. Need. A. Favor." And damn, but Tony can hear Eliot's teeth grinding over the connection.
Tony pauses, basking in the moment. "Of course. I'd never leave a friend out in the cold... but I don't know if we can still be friends since we obviously have so many differences."
There's a stunned silence and Tony holds back in his laughter. "Oh for crying out... are you serious?"
"As a heart attack. I want an apology." Tony twirls around in his seat to see Ziva and McGee watching him now. He waves them away and continues to string Eliot along. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and he plans to thoroughly enjoy it.
Tony can swear he can hear Eliot banging his head against the wall. "You are five years old, I swear."
"Come now," Tony says. "I'm at least 8 years old. Now... say it."
"No."
"Now who's the five year old."
"Seriously Tony, if you don't get over here I swear I'm going to--"
"Ah ah ah! No threatening an officer of the law." At that, Tony sees Ziva and McGee exchange looks but he continues to ignore them. "Say it."
Tony swears he hears something cracking... the phone? "Fine. I do this under duress. I apologize."
"For?"
"Oh my god, you are ... Connery is the better Bond, alright? Now can you please shut up and listen?"
"HA! Yes! I knew it! Everyone knows Connery is the better Bond. Roger Moore was good but he has nothing on the suaveness that - OW!" And Tony is Gibbs-slapped by the very Gibbs himself, mid-metaphoric victory dance.
"Just got Gibbs-slapped, didn't you?" Eliot asks and Tony is not imagining the smug look on Eliot's face since he's seen it enough times.
Tony rubs his head, "Yeah. I don't know how he does it." Gibbs ignores him and goes to his desk, looking over some files.
Eliot clears his throat and Tony returns to the conversation. "So, my favor. I figure you owe me since I've saved your ass so many times--"
"We agreed to never mention Philadelphia again." At that comment, Tony sees Ziva and McGee give each other speculative looks and he rolls his eyes. "Nothing to see here, move along."
McGee smirks. "Please, do tell us about Philadelphia."
"Nothing happened in Philadelphia, McSnoopsalot," Tony snarled and before they can really get into it, Eliot calls his attention again.
"Tony. Focus. Can you get to the 5th District Police Station? And bring your ID?"
"Uh sure. Why? If it's something illegal, I gotta tell ya, my boss is in the room and--"
"I need you to bail me out."
And with that, Tony starts laughing.
---------
He's still laughing when he walks into the police station, when he shows his badge to the desk sergeant, and he's definitely laughing when he's lead to the cell. McGee follows him; Gibbs' way of keeping tabs on Tony ("keep him out of trouble McGee", he'd said and Tony had tried to argue, but really, who wins in an argument against Gibbs?). Tony is totally wishing he had a metal cup to bang along the bars as he and McGee make their way to Eliot's cell.
Eliot is sitting on the bunk, leaning against the wall while his prisonmate paces the small confines of the cell. Tony takes a moment to study Eliot's companion - the African American man is tall, muscular, and definitely not hiding his nervousness. He's muttering to himself, words that Tony can't make out so he dismisses him and turns back to Eliot.
"What's your name, kid?" Tony asks, wondering if his friend will get the reference.
With a hint of a smirk, Eliot replies, "Charley Butts."
Tony tries to put on a scowl but has a feeling he is failing miserably. "Charley Butt? Hahaha, you got a pretty friggin' funny name, kid."
"Oh yeah? What's yours?"
"Al Capone," Tony says with relish.
Eliot gets off the bed and and heads to the bars. "S'up man, gonna get me out?"
Tony pretends to think about it. "Well see, there's this thing called the law--"
"Tony..."
"And I am an officer of the law..."
"Tony--"
"And I really should follow the letter of said law..."
"No more crème brulee."
"Guard!"
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When they're finally outside after completing more paperwork than should be legal, Tony can't hold it in any longer. He's been absolutely patient until now, really, he's been on his best behavior. He's just about to open his mouth when Eliot holds up a hand and says "Not yet, man". Tony grudgingly decides to wait, if only to see the look of disbelief on McGee's face as he wonders why Tony would listen to this guy in torn up jeans and a bandana on his head. It's not until they get to some dingy van ("If I hear anyone bad mouthin' Lucille, they are out on their ass, I swear", says the uptight geek) when Eliot seems to relax and turn to Tony, indicating that he's ready.
Really, Tony should learn to keep nose out of other people's business, especially people like Eliot, because that never ends well. He really should have known better because every time Eliot came to town, crazy shit happened (and if you asked Eliot, he'd blame Tony, the traitor). He had heard the stories about Eliot's crazy team from the man himself. He knew what they did. Maybe it was the novelty of Eliot in jail, needing Tony to bail him out (finally!). Maybe it was the fact that Eliot said "please" that made him decide to help him with this crazy ass scheme. But suddenly, Tony and McGee (his trusty sidekick) were smack dab in the middle of some game to steal a Navy ship. A Navy ship.
Gibbs was gonna kill him.
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Somehow, Ford's crazy plan worked. Tony had to admit, the guy was freaking psychotic in his attention to detail. Eliot got to bust some heads in, which always make's Eliot happy.
And Tony? Oh, Tony was behind bars.
Again.
At least he wasn't alone this time, which was a blessing and a curse. Turns out, his own brand of geek, McGee was making sure that he didn't forget he was there with him. Behind bars. In jail. Very loudly reminding him of this fact.
He was going to kill Eliot for leaving him here. Seriously, when he had called, Tony dropped everything that was on his very important metaphorical plate and ran to help him. And how did he repay him? By having that crazy hot Parker chick steal his ID.
"I can't believe you got us into this mess! What are we going to tell Gibbs? This is all your fault and--"
He was going to have to kill Eliot and have Abby hide the body.
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So here he was, in front of the very Gibbs himself, McGee at his side, staring straight ahead and trying not to cringe as he gets the Gibbs Stare of Disappointment(tm) (his least favorite of the Gibbs' Stares. Each one was deadly in it's own right but the Disappointment Stare was by far, the worst). Gibbs hasn't even had to say anything and Tony wants to break down and tell him everything. He feels McGee fidget next to him and wills him to stay quiet, to not break, be strong--
"Boss..."
Tony sighs. They're screwed.
The elevator dings but they're not paying attention. It's not until he hears a throat clear that his eyes slide to the side and he nearly passes out in manly surprise. Because, there, in full Navy Seal dress whites, standing at attention wearing a freaking Commander pin, is Eliot Spencer. Tony stomps on McGee's foot so hard, he's surprised it doesn't go through the floor.
"Excuse me, sir. I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to thank these fine Agents for their help during our mission today." At this point, Gibbs has stood up, eyeing Eliot up and down and finding nothing out of place. And why should he? It's Eliot. The man practically screams military.
"Commander," Gibbs nods in greeting. "What’s this about?"
Eliot begins to spin some bullshit about an undercover op and how Tony and McGee graciously took the time out of their busy schedules to help them blah blah blah and as he watches Gibbs begin to soften for Eliot's "good ol' boys" routine and Ziva eye him up like a piece of meat, all Tony can think is that Eliot is a bastard, because he saved his ass again.
Eliot was a dead man walking.
The End
This is for Voni. Without her help, this would have NEVER gotten done. Also for Bethy for the epic cheerleading. And the folks who read it from the Tribal Forces con. Without them, parts of this wouldn’t make nearly as much sense. This fic took an embarrassingly long time to finish. I hope you all enjoy it.
There is a quote from Escape from Alcatraz.
Also, a warning. There are a lot of parentheses.
5 3? Ok, more like 4 times Eliot saves Tony (but not really)
1. Ohio State University
It starts out like this. Tony is a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed college student on a date; one of those dates you know is gonna end with you in bed, smoking a cigarette, and very, very satisfied. Never mind his date is his professor, but really, she was coming on to him. What was he supposed to do, ignore it? Besides, he is a very studious student - if you don't count that time when he fell asleep in class, had a dream he was a superhero who could leap tall buildings in a single bound, and promptly tried to leap out of his seat. That had hurt for weeks.
So there he is, on his very successful date, ready to make his move, when this cowboy with his long hair, strong jawline (really, Tony is a bit jealous), and well defined musculature moseys on over to his table (no, seriously, he moseys on over. Like Clint Eastwood in the 50 million cowboy movies he did), grabs a seat, and proceeds to ruin his chances. Yep, nothing to see here, no chance of getting laid tonight, folks.
The crazy thing is, after listening to the very few, descriptive words this guy says, he can't really blame him. With just 2 sentences and a few grunts and glares, he saves Tony's ass from a blackmailing, double-crossing, really hot bitch who tends to eat young, virile guys (like himself), spit them out, and then rinse and repeat. While he's really pissed at not getting laid, he actually can't help but thank the guy (and really? A buff dude like him has a name like Eliot?) for saving him. Tony invites the dude out for a drink, which turns into another, then another, until finally they're giggling like little school girls (Tony) and arm wrestling (Eliot), like guys should do and Tony thinks, this guy is pretty cool.
For a cowboy.
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2. Peoria, Illinois
It's Tony's first job as a civil servant. He's a rookie cop on the streets of Peoria, Illinois patrolling his beat (and all Tony can think about is how he wishes he had an awesome car like Starsky and Hutch or Magnum. Man, Magnum had a cool car) with his detective partner in charge who "is the boss and don't you forget it". Tony has to admit that he's learning a lot but he'd never say that out loud. His partner has the biggest ego ever and that's saying something, because let's face it -- Tony's ego is pretty big. Tony's describing how the original Godfather movie paved the way for other awesome gangster movies like Goodfellas and how it totally set a new standard in movie making when they get a call about a bar brawl that's gotten a bit out of control and could the police please show up with their big guns and restore order?
They're first at the scene when they squeal to a stop in front of the bar. Since Tony is still a baby, compared to his partner, Tony follows him into the bar, ready to assess the scene. As he crosses the threshold, he immediately has to duck to avoid a beer bottle aimed for his head. He and his partner wade in and Tony becomes light as a feather and tries to sting like a bee as he pretends to restore order without hurting the drunken idiots... much. As he's "subduing" the patrons, he sees in the corner a man who looks very familiar. See, Tony has a thing for faces, makes him a good investigator really, absolutely fabulous, and this face, this is a face he's seen somewhere. A face only a mother could love. Where the hell had he seen that guy before?
It takes a dodge and a right hook to another moron before he realizes that he's just stared down Amadeo "9 Fingers" Carducci, one of the top lieutenants of the Chicago mob. Which, really, is odd, because they're in Irish territory and in Peoria and... oh. Oh, this can't be good. Different scenarios run through Tony's mind for why an Italian mobster is hanging out in an Irish Pub and each one is worse than the next. Tony starts to make his way over to Carducci, determined to figure out just what the hell is going on, when he sees Carducci going for something in his jacket. Tony hesitates and just stops himself from pulling his weapon. The bar is crowded and he's getting jostled enough that he's not sure he can safely pull his gun and aim it without some dumbass trying to pop him in the head. Tony presses forward but that hesitation costs him precious time. Carducci pulls out a gun, a small revolver that's easy to transport but can still do a lot of damage, and aims it at some point to the left of Tony.
And Tony really is the idiot because he dives forward to try to stop Carducci from killing who is probably some high level Irish mob member and starting a friggin' mob war in his town when he's suddenly tackled from the side and blinking up into familiar blue eyes.
Tony coughs, cause Jesus, that hurt, and rasps out, "Eliot?"
Eliot gives a small grin, which for him, is a huge smile and says, "Tony."
Tony takes a deep breath and realizes that Eliot's weight is crushing him into the dirty, beer-stained floor and shoves at him. "Get off me, man."
Eliot takes a quick look around and Tony remembers the reason why he is here. As Eliot
offers him a hand up, Tony also takes stock of the situation and see that Carducci has disappeared into the night or at least outside. The brawl Tony had been breaking up is mostly finished and backup arrives in time to pick up the stragglers. No one seems to be bleeding or in any serious danger of dying so Tony mentally pats himself on the back for a job well done and grins at Eliot. "What're you doing here?"
Eliot shrugs. "Ya know, I was in the neighborhood."
Tony raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, right."
"You're welcome, by the way," and with that, Eliot starts to walk away.
Tony is confused for a second. "For what?"
Eliot grins over his shoulder, "Saving your life... again."
Tony frowns and yells at Eliot as he's leaving the bar, "Again? That first time doesn't count!" He runs out after Eliot, trying to look like he's on official police business and yells, "no seriously, you can't count that!"
They argue about it over beers the next night.
Eliot is gone 2 days later. It's not until a week passes, when they make the arrest of Amadeo Carducci on charges of racketeering and other Very Bad Things, that Tony realizes why Carducci's new nickname has been just been changed to "8-fingers".
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3. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
It's the holiday season and everyone seems to be infected with the spirit of the cheer. It's promising to be a White Christmas and even Tony has to admit that he's feeling pretty festive. It also helps that Eliot's in town. Tony hasn't seen him in almost a year, not since the great Peoria Chess incident they promised they would never ever mention (and really, Tony had been getting spoiled, seeing Eliot twice in the same city. But they both agreed they needed a break after said great Peoria Chess incident). Eliot calls him up and says he'll be in Philly for a few days and hell yeah, he wants to hang out. Tony's noticed that when Eliot comes to see him, it's often to recuperate. His friend usually has some new injury, moves slowly, and is always really, really jumpy (and he won't admit it but Tony once tried to run a background check on Eliot Spencer - hey, he's a cop and he's curious, damnit. When Tony saw that his friend had an Interpol file, he immediately closed it without reading anything. He figures it's better to use a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality here. Besides, Eliot never seems to break the law around him. What Tony doesn't know won't hurt him.).
He's trying to decide what to do during his vacation. He's requested off on the the 23rd through the new year while Eliot's in town and he wants to kick off their vacation with a bang. It's then that he hears one of the lab guystalking about a pub crawl on the 23rd, with a catch. Tony grins and after getting the details, begins to make plans.
Eliot arrives on the 22nd and they decide to stay in that night and shoot the shit. Eliot offers to cook and Tony immediately agrees because Eliot is absolutely amazing at cooking (the man is awesome with a knife... it kinda freaks Tony out a bit). He makes this really exotic dish from the Middle East, lamb and falafel, warm pita and kibab. Tony's in heaven and asks Eliot to marry him. Repeatedly.
After dinner and with a few beers in them, Tony explains his plans for the next night. Eliot looks at him and maybe it's the beers, maybe he's just too tired, or maybe he's way too familiar with the stubborn and excited look in Tony's eyes but he agrees and they make plans to get their costumes together in the morning. The 23rd dawns cold and clear. Tony takes Eliot to be all touristy and see the city. They stop for cheese-steaks during lunch at some hole in the wall Tony found 'cause it's Philly, and duh, cheese-steaks. They travel around and in between seeing Independence Hall and Reading Terminal Market, they get the clothes they'll need for their costumes for the night. Before they know it, it's 10:00 P.M. and they're heading for Manayunk.
Both men ignore the looks they get from the other bar hoppers as they walk down Main Street to one of the many bars. Eliot is dressed in his newly rented Santa Suit, fake beard and all. His woolen red coat covers a pillow strapped to his middle. He looks absolutely ridiculous with his Santa Hat tilted rakishly, but then, Tony shouldn't talk. Tony is similarly attired with a lot more bells on. Every step he takes jingles and he can't help adding an enthusiastic swing to his steps.
They get to the bar where at least 30 other guys in various states of Santa dress are starting the night with $3 Coors. The two men grin at each other again as they catch sight of the women in skimpy elf costumes. They head to the bar, planning their strategies for the night as they order their drinks.
When he wakes up the next morning, Tony vaguely remembers beer, handcuffs, a little person, more beer, and strangely enough, cheesecake. His head hurts, his suit has suspicious stains and his hat is lost forever (probably in the cesspool that is the Schuykill River). Asking Eliot what the hell happened just gets him a glare and strange rants about commercialism, why never to wear red ("it's like wearing a bullseye, man!") and about 10 distinct reasons why long beards suck. Eliot seems to realize that he's rambling and finally just says, "I wouldn't go to that bar again."
After he's sworn to secrecy, Tony just knows he somehow owes Eliot again. Damnit.
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3.5 Washington D.C., District of Columbia
BONUS: For Von, the sickie one at the time
Tony hates being sick, like really hates it. He could handle the sniffling and the coughing and hell, even the sneezing -- after all, he is Anthony Dinozzo, Very Special Agent Extraordinaire and second in command to the great Gibbs himself -- but the one thing he absolutely hates is the achiness. He's under 40 for Pete's sake, there is no reason for him to feel like a crotchety old man who smells like Ben Gay and wears ugly woolen sweaters. But the flu had been going around the offices, starting with the computer nerds in the basement (and seriously, they never go outside, how did they get it?) and ending with said Very Special Agent who had already survived the plague once and would not be bested by a measly virus, damnit.
But when the evil flu attacked him, it did so without mercy or remorse. So it somehow makes sense that he share his misery with someone who was, in his own way, as merciless and remorseless as the flu.
im dying
ure texting so ure not dying.
ys i am so dying. id know if i was dying
wht happnd?
cant. breathe.
ure fingers r wrking fine.
i hate u.
seriously who do i hve to kill?
my body. hurts so much, i have the freakin flu
oh shit man. one of my team got it, its nasty.
everything hurts, kill me now.
too far away.
haaaaaate.
stop bein a baby.
ure dead to me
At that point, because Tony's sick and because he can, he ignores any other texts from Eliot (all 2 of them, the man is a horrible friend, really) and curls into a Tony-sized ball of misery.
Two days later, Tony still feels like crap and is sniffling his way through his 5th tissue box when he gets a delivery at his door. It's this crazy box with styrofoam and this weird container and inside, packed in a very cold large tupperware container is frozen chicken soup and a post-it. "You're still a baby".
Tony texts Eliot that night, warm and full of chicken soup goodness: still hate u.
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1 time Tony saved Eliot (but not really)
Washington D.C., District of Columbia
It's not that they're teenage girls but they like to keep in touch. At least once a month, Tony and Eliot settle down for a guys night and catch up via phone. While Tony is relatively stationary (thanks to NCIS), he often keeps odd hours (thanks to Gibbs and his crazy work ethic) that make anyone visiting him a hassle. And Eliot... well Eliot has settled down with some crew that seem to make Eliot content. Tony doesn't ask for many details because he knows his friend gets into some freaky shit and the less he knows, the better. Their conversations usually consist of basketball (Tony), how ridiculously crazy and insane his friends are (Eliot), football (Eliot again), the newest movies out (Tony), and anything else of interest. Once they even had an hour long conversation comparing the fighting styles of the United States Marines and the Mossad (of which Tony had experienced both) because, really, they were very distinctive fighting styles (Eliot).
So it comes as a surprise to Tony when he gets a phone call during work hours from Eliot; he knows something is about to go horribly wrong or be amazingly hilarious.
"I accept your apology," Tony says as he answers his cell. Ziva glances up at him and Tony ignores her questioning look. A guy like him has to have some mystery after all.
There's a pause and then Eliot answers. "I am not calling to apologize. I... I need a favor."
And with that, Tony turns his full attention to the phone, sitting up and turning his back to his coworkers, a very dangerous thing. "I'm sorry... doth my ears deceive me? Can you repeat that? Maybe a little louder?"
"I hate you."
Tony smirks. "Oh well in that case I have to get back to work, very important crimes to solve and--"
"I. Need. A. Favor." And damn, but Tony can hear Eliot's teeth grinding over the connection.
Tony pauses, basking in the moment. "Of course. I'd never leave a friend out in the cold... but I don't know if we can still be friends since we obviously have so many differences."
There's a stunned silence and Tony holds back in his laughter. "Oh for crying out... are you serious?"
"As a heart attack. I want an apology." Tony twirls around in his seat to see Ziva and McGee watching him now. He waves them away and continues to string Eliot along. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and he plans to thoroughly enjoy it.
Tony can swear he can hear Eliot banging his head against the wall. "You are five years old, I swear."
"Come now," Tony says. "I'm at least 8 years old. Now... say it."
"No."
"Now who's the five year old."
"Seriously Tony, if you don't get over here I swear I'm going to--"
"Ah ah ah! No threatening an officer of the law." At that, Tony sees Ziva and McGee exchange looks but he continues to ignore them. "Say it."
Tony swears he hears something cracking... the phone? "Fine. I do this under duress. I apologize."
"For?"
"Oh my god, you are ... Connery is the better Bond, alright? Now can you please shut up and listen?"
"HA! Yes! I knew it! Everyone knows Connery is the better Bond. Roger Moore was good but he has nothing on the suaveness that - OW!" And Tony is Gibbs-slapped by the very Gibbs himself, mid-metaphoric victory dance.
"Just got Gibbs-slapped, didn't you?" Eliot asks and Tony is not imagining the smug look on Eliot's face since he's seen it enough times.
Tony rubs his head, "Yeah. I don't know how he does it." Gibbs ignores him and goes to his desk, looking over some files.
Eliot clears his throat and Tony returns to the conversation. "So, my favor. I figure you owe me since I've saved your ass so many times--"
"We agreed to never mention Philadelphia again." At that comment, Tony sees Ziva and McGee give each other speculative looks and he rolls his eyes. "Nothing to see here, move along."
McGee smirks. "Please, do tell us about Philadelphia."
"Nothing happened in Philadelphia, McSnoopsalot," Tony snarled and before they can really get into it, Eliot calls his attention again.
"Tony. Focus. Can you get to the 5th District Police Station? And bring your ID?"
"Uh sure. Why? If it's something illegal, I gotta tell ya, my boss is in the room and--"
"I need you to bail me out."
And with that, Tony starts laughing.
---------
He's still laughing when he walks into the police station, when he shows his badge to the desk sergeant, and he's definitely laughing when he's lead to the cell. McGee follows him; Gibbs' way of keeping tabs on Tony ("keep him out of trouble McGee", he'd said and Tony had tried to argue, but really, who wins in an argument against Gibbs?). Tony is totally wishing he had a metal cup to bang along the bars as he and McGee make their way to Eliot's cell.
Eliot is sitting on the bunk, leaning against the wall while his prisonmate paces the small confines of the cell. Tony takes a moment to study Eliot's companion - the African American man is tall, muscular, and definitely not hiding his nervousness. He's muttering to himself, words that Tony can't make out so he dismisses him and turns back to Eliot.
"What's your name, kid?" Tony asks, wondering if his friend will get the reference.
With a hint of a smirk, Eliot replies, "Charley Butts."
Tony tries to put on a scowl but has a feeling he is failing miserably. "Charley Butt? Hahaha, you got a pretty friggin' funny name, kid."
"Oh yeah? What's yours?"
"Al Capone," Tony says with relish.
Eliot gets off the bed and and heads to the bars. "S'up man, gonna get me out?"
Tony pretends to think about it. "Well see, there's this thing called the law--"
"Tony..."
"And I am an officer of the law..."
"Tony--"
"And I really should follow the letter of said law..."
"No more crème brulee."
"Guard!"
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When they're finally outside after completing more paperwork than should be legal, Tony can't hold it in any longer. He's been absolutely patient until now, really, he's been on his best behavior. He's just about to open his mouth when Eliot holds up a hand and says "Not yet, man". Tony grudgingly decides to wait, if only to see the look of disbelief on McGee's face as he wonders why Tony would listen to this guy in torn up jeans and a bandana on his head. It's not until they get to some dingy van ("If I hear anyone bad mouthin' Lucille, they are out on their ass, I swear", says the uptight geek) when Eliot seems to relax and turn to Tony, indicating that he's ready.
Really, Tony should learn to keep nose out of other people's business, especially people like Eliot, because that never ends well. He really should have known better because every time Eliot came to town, crazy shit happened (and if you asked Eliot, he'd blame Tony, the traitor). He had heard the stories about Eliot's crazy team from the man himself. He knew what they did. Maybe it was the novelty of Eliot in jail, needing Tony to bail him out (finally!). Maybe it was the fact that Eliot said "please" that made him decide to help him with this crazy ass scheme. But suddenly, Tony and McGee (his trusty sidekick) were smack dab in the middle of some game to steal a Navy ship. A Navy ship.
Gibbs was gonna kill him.
---------
Somehow, Ford's crazy plan worked. Tony had to admit, the guy was freaking psychotic in his attention to detail. Eliot got to bust some heads in, which always make's Eliot happy.
And Tony? Oh, Tony was behind bars.
Again.
At least he wasn't alone this time, which was a blessing and a curse. Turns out, his own brand of geek, McGee was making sure that he didn't forget he was there with him. Behind bars. In jail. Very loudly reminding him of this fact.
He was going to kill Eliot for leaving him here. Seriously, when he had called, Tony dropped everything that was on his very important metaphorical plate and ran to help him. And how did he repay him? By having that crazy hot Parker chick steal his ID.
"I can't believe you got us into this mess! What are we going to tell Gibbs? This is all your fault and--"
He was going to have to kill Eliot and have Abby hide the body.
---------
So here he was, in front of the very Gibbs himself, McGee at his side, staring straight ahead and trying not to cringe as he gets the Gibbs Stare of Disappointment(tm) (his least favorite of the Gibbs' Stares. Each one was deadly in it's own right but the Disappointment Stare was by far, the worst). Gibbs hasn't even had to say anything and Tony wants to break down and tell him everything. He feels McGee fidget next to him and wills him to stay quiet, to not break, be strong--
"Boss..."
Tony sighs. They're screwed.
The elevator dings but they're not paying attention. It's not until he hears a throat clear that his eyes slide to the side and he nearly passes out in manly surprise. Because, there, in full Navy Seal dress whites, standing at attention wearing a freaking Commander pin, is Eliot Spencer. Tony stomps on McGee's foot so hard, he's surprised it doesn't go through the floor.
"Excuse me, sir. I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to thank these fine Agents for their help during our mission today." At this point, Gibbs has stood up, eyeing Eliot up and down and finding nothing out of place. And why should he? It's Eliot. The man practically screams military.
"Commander," Gibbs nods in greeting. "What’s this about?"
Eliot begins to spin some bullshit about an undercover op and how Tony and McGee graciously took the time out of their busy schedules to help them blah blah blah and as he watches Gibbs begin to soften for Eliot's "good ol' boys" routine and Ziva eye him up like a piece of meat, all Tony can think is that Eliot is a bastard, because he saved his ass again.
Eliot was a dead man walking.
The End