Unpacking
I've been unpacking a fuck ton since being back.
It started with Henry. I contacted him while still in Dallas during quarantine. We talked all the time, he'd call me on the phone, we'd talk for hours. He saw me.
I could go on with that story. There was a lot there.
I got here, we hung out, we fooled around; and it became clear, quickly, it was not going to go anywhere and we would be friends. We'll never not be friends; we've been friends 20 years.
Then there was Jimmy. Jimmy made me feel seen. He was communicative and open and unencumbered in his words of acknowledgement. Things got busy for Jimmy, he had nothing to give to a possible dating situation, and it was decided we would be friends.
I realized with Henry, in between him and Jimmy, that my thing is being seen. Graham never saw me. In fact, he actively disliked so many of the things that I feel really good about myself for. The things that give me value, he actually did not like at all.
But then. Its the fact that the person who has made me feel the most seen... was Jeremy.
Oh god, why am I still processing and unpacking Jeremy? Does it ever end?
No, because I never unpacked all of the various continuations.
But I realized today... that there is no possibility for anyone to see me more or better than Jeremy saw me, because Jeremy saw me through all of my transitions and growth. No one will ever see me the way Jeremy sees me. I can never hope to feel that level of absolute understanding. No one will ever understand me in the same way. No one. Ever.
For that, I am grieving.
I messaged him the other day. We talked about it. He said,
"We are hurt the worst by those we trust the most.
Those words, however trite, still ring true. I helped you break down barriers and walls that a you had been forced to put up through the trauma you endured growing up. I was super close to scar tissue that was still tender and freshly at the surface. (I mean that metaphorically, although you DID have fresh physical scars).
So when that night happened, it was a complete betrayal of all the healing that had taken place. It added new scars. Salt on the wound if you will.
And for that I am eternally sorry. Because you are right. We did (and still, I think) have a unique and rare connection that is forever marred by that event."
It started with Henry. I contacted him while still in Dallas during quarantine. We talked all the time, he'd call me on the phone, we'd talk for hours. He saw me.
I could go on with that story. There was a lot there.
I got here, we hung out, we fooled around; and it became clear, quickly, it was not going to go anywhere and we would be friends. We'll never not be friends; we've been friends 20 years.
Then there was Jimmy. Jimmy made me feel seen. He was communicative and open and unencumbered in his words of acknowledgement. Things got busy for Jimmy, he had nothing to give to a possible dating situation, and it was decided we would be friends.
I realized with Henry, in between him and Jimmy, that my thing is being seen. Graham never saw me. In fact, he actively disliked so many of the things that I feel really good about myself for. The things that give me value, he actually did not like at all.
But then. Its the fact that the person who has made me feel the most seen... was Jeremy.
Oh god, why am I still processing and unpacking Jeremy? Does it ever end?
No, because I never unpacked all of the various continuations.
But I realized today... that there is no possibility for anyone to see me more or better than Jeremy saw me, because Jeremy saw me through all of my transitions and growth. No one will ever see me the way Jeremy sees me. I can never hope to feel that level of absolute understanding. No one will ever understand me in the same way. No one. Ever.
For that, I am grieving.
I messaged him the other day. We talked about it. He said,
"We are hurt the worst by those we trust the most.
Those words, however trite, still ring true. I helped you break down barriers and walls that a you had been forced to put up through the trauma you endured growing up. I was super close to scar tissue that was still tender and freshly at the surface. (I mean that metaphorically, although you DID have fresh physical scars).
So when that night happened, it was a complete betrayal of all the healing that had taken place. It added new scars. Salt on the wound if you will.
And for that I am eternally sorry. Because you are right. We did (and still, I think) have a unique and rare connection that is forever marred by that event."