Long time no see
Omg, life.
I've been pretty good about keeping facebook updated, but I need to come here again, now that I am using an actual computer regularly and can really do some typing.
I am crawling out of my skin with intensity. Constantly. I feel like I need to get laid as a release valve.
In Dallas, even when there were relatively few covid cases locally, my roommate Rachel and I were taking maximum precautions. Not going anywhere, having everything delivered, sanitizing anything that came into the house, and if we had to go anywhere, when we got back, we'd take our clothes off at the door and go straight into the shower. We're singers. We can't risk our instruments, our future, and our livelihoods. It wasn't until I survived the moving process unscathed that I let my hair down a little bit. Being in the world so quickly starts feeling more normal.
That being said, the original intention for my moving was to become more isolated, not less, yet I have actually seen a couple of people since being back. But I have pretty much not been reaching out to anyone.
And that being said, of the two guys I've been interested in, I'm now two for two on guys who won't just like... sleep with me. Like, wtf, its like there are actually morals here! I don't even feel a sense of rejection. I know these people are attracted to me, they just had no intention of moving that quickly. But I spent several days thinking deeply of the cultural and moral implications of this regarding Western Mass in comparison to Texas. I just thought sexuality was a general human culture. A today culture. Not a regional culture. But it made me wonder if I would have experienced the same sexual violence I did in Texas if I had stayed here. My hunch is maybe not.
But it just seems like every single day since I've been back has been an intense amount of unpacking, emotionally. I realized after Graham that I need to stop taking people on as projects, but my roommate Rachel became a project. So I went straight from a project relationship to a project roommate, and I think now that I don't have any all-encompassing people-projects, I'm now unpacking all my own shit for the first time in four years.
I've got so many creative ideas now, too, since I know my choir life can't exist until there's a vaccine. I'll need to find my fulfillment in another way and now its like the floodgates of creativity have been unleashed.
I don't know why I get so tired of telling the stories I came on here to tell. But I need to write a post about Jimmy. The first person to actually really hook me from a dating app in years. He was so ridiculously effective in his communication. But he ended up not having bandwidth needed to actually start something. The good part is that he's actually best friends with a couple people I knew in high school, one of which was in my friend group, and now we're all reconnected. So it seems as though I have completely integrated into Jimmy's group of friends even though he and I only actually went on two dates. Lol. Whoops. And now that Jimmy and I are "friends" and I'm going to be around anyway... I'll get him to cave eventually. I just want to fwb him! He needs it bad, too. He always told me how gorgeous I am and you don't just shut that a off. Plus I'm ridiculously attracted to him.
I hate that I'm just glossing over everything. There's just too much to say. I need to come here more often to work out my intensity.
I've been pretty good about keeping facebook updated, but I need to come here again, now that I am using an actual computer regularly and can really do some typing.
I am crawling out of my skin with intensity. Constantly. I feel like I need to get laid as a release valve.
In Dallas, even when there were relatively few covid cases locally, my roommate Rachel and I were taking maximum precautions. Not going anywhere, having everything delivered, sanitizing anything that came into the house, and if we had to go anywhere, when we got back, we'd take our clothes off at the door and go straight into the shower. We're singers. We can't risk our instruments, our future, and our livelihoods. It wasn't until I survived the moving process unscathed that I let my hair down a little bit. Being in the world so quickly starts feeling more normal.
That being said, the original intention for my moving was to become more isolated, not less, yet I have actually seen a couple of people since being back. But I have pretty much not been reaching out to anyone.
And that being said, of the two guys I've been interested in, I'm now two for two on guys who won't just like... sleep with me. Like, wtf, its like there are actually morals here! I don't even feel a sense of rejection. I know these people are attracted to me, they just had no intention of moving that quickly. But I spent several days thinking deeply of the cultural and moral implications of this regarding Western Mass in comparison to Texas. I just thought sexuality was a general human culture. A today culture. Not a regional culture. But it made me wonder if I would have experienced the same sexual violence I did in Texas if I had stayed here. My hunch is maybe not.
But it just seems like every single day since I've been back has been an intense amount of unpacking, emotionally. I realized after Graham that I need to stop taking people on as projects, but my roommate Rachel became a project. So I went straight from a project relationship to a project roommate, and I think now that I don't have any all-encompassing people-projects, I'm now unpacking all my own shit for the first time in four years.
I've got so many creative ideas now, too, since I know my choir life can't exist until there's a vaccine. I'll need to find my fulfillment in another way and now its like the floodgates of creativity have been unleashed.
I don't know why I get so tired of telling the stories I came on here to tell. But I need to write a post about Jimmy. The first person to actually really hook me from a dating app in years. He was so ridiculously effective in his communication. But he ended up not having bandwidth needed to actually start something. The good part is that he's actually best friends with a couple people I knew in high school, one of which was in my friend group, and now we're all reconnected. So it seems as though I have completely integrated into Jimmy's group of friends even though he and I only actually went on two dates. Lol. Whoops. And now that Jimmy and I are "friends" and I'm going to be around anyway... I'll get him to cave eventually. I just want to fwb him! He needs it bad, too. He always told me how gorgeous I am and you don't just shut that a off. Plus I'm ridiculously attracted to him.
I hate that I'm just glossing over everything. There's just too much to say. I need to come here more often to work out my intensity.