And the worst part?
Taking another foray into the world of public journal entries. I hope I don't regret it...
So, I've known a several things about what this process was going to be for a few years now.
It seems to me that people deal with and process the emotions, the failures, the realities of one's last relationship within the context of the next relationship. The next person either confirms, justifies, nullifies, reinforces, etc., what one believes about one's self, about relationships, about how to interact, about what they want. They become and integral part of the learning process, of moving forward, of aiding in self-discovery. That being said, I've been basically in a state of limbo for the last five years. I've done everything I can do to deal with what I need to deal with on my own, and I think I've done a damn good job. Or maybe I haven't. Or, maybe I didn't for a little while there, but I'm in a damn good place now, and that's got to count for something. The last step, then, is to deal with everything within the context of a relationship.
I knew that the first "relationship" I got into wouldn't be the last. I don't think you could exactly call what I just had a "relationship" but damned if it didn't feel like it; we did cover about eight months of dating material in that very small window of time...
So, I basically saw the purpose of the first "relationship" after this hiatus to be the unwinding. The unpacking. The relearning and rebuilding of standards. Not only my standards for what I'd like to find in someone, but for how they might treat me, acknowledging myself and my needs, not putting myself aside, not allowing self doubt to cloud my self worth, learning not to be too self conscious about saying anything about my struggles; just relearning how to be.
So perhaps if the first "relationship" situation survived all that heavy relearning nonsense, maybe it'd have some potential, but my thinking has always been that, more likely than not, the next situation after that could then be met with these things already unpacked and figured out, the relearning and reintroduction to whatever things I'd relearn and reintroduce to myself, done and conquered.
Clearly, this was very surprisingly and abruptly halted before it could be any of these things.
The worst part was that this was the most idyllic situation for all of these things. ALL OF THEM. I was a dam of all these things, and with inexplicable ease he said, "Hello, kind lady, let me help you to very carefully remove all these very important bricks you took so long to stack." I didn't know I had so much back there, and that I could let it out and still be a normal person, that it's okay that it's there, and that talking about it would be okay, too.
But that's a boldfaced lie. I knew it was there, I just didn't realize... I just wasn't anticipating feeling so at ease about it, ready to wait patiently for it's unpacking in due time, when it was right, when it was appropriate, and to be totally convinced of that only to have all of those bricks I'd placed just-so to be thrown back into the crevasse on a whim with callous indifference and complete lack of forethought, to leave what was once a nice, neat dam with angry, bulging leaks.
The worst part is how acknowledged I know I would have felt having told him. How acknowledged I felt when he read my poetry, and didn't even know what it was about, but knew what was behind it, somehow. I know what I know, about me, and for years I've been fine with that, but I buried my desire for others to really know me. I buried it. And now it's here with nowhere to go.
I knew I was on the precipice of self discovery weeks ago, maybe months ago now? I thought it would have to do with where I was with god, but that has very certainly taken a back seat at this point. But I suppose it's all interconnected. I started drinking, stopped believing in god, and became single all in one fell swoop, (although that one event was just a blip in my history, albeit a large one.) In good spirits, I was just so ready for the next ascent. And I wanted to share my ascent with someone. Dam be damned, I'm now spiraling upward in introspective self discovery and I want nothing more in the whole entire world than a sounding board! I don't want to write it here, because I want an actual, human ear. I don't want to waste it all talking to a brick wall when there is, out there, the wonderful, beautiful, gratifying sensation of having someone visibly understanding me as a person; an actual, real human conversation with human interaction; the nuance of facial expressions and body language.... eyebrows, posture, hand placement, head tilts, smiles and frowns...
Tyler was my emotionally-open, intellectual-equal. The last emotionally-open, intellectual-equal I felt I had was Jeremy. I met him in 2007, and all this went down in 2009. This is how long I fear it might be before I find another emotionally-open, intellectual-equal... He said he'd be open to friendship, but I am at a complete loss of good judgement on when and on what timetable that might be possible or the framework of transition. I don't know how to transition this and I think I want our friendship faster than is feasible. I just want to continue the conversations, but it seems I might have foiled my efforts again.
So, I've known a several things about what this process was going to be for a few years now.
It seems to me that people deal with and process the emotions, the failures, the realities of one's last relationship within the context of the next relationship. The next person either confirms, justifies, nullifies, reinforces, etc., what one believes about one's self, about relationships, about how to interact, about what they want. They become and integral part of the learning process, of moving forward, of aiding in self-discovery. That being said, I've been basically in a state of limbo for the last five years. I've done everything I can do to deal with what I need to deal with on my own, and I think I've done a damn good job. Or maybe I haven't. Or, maybe I didn't for a little while there, but I'm in a damn good place now, and that's got to count for something. The last step, then, is to deal with everything within the context of a relationship.
I knew that the first "relationship" I got into wouldn't be the last. I don't think you could exactly call what I just had a "relationship" but damned if it didn't feel like it; we did cover about eight months of dating material in that very small window of time...
So, I basically saw the purpose of the first "relationship" after this hiatus to be the unwinding. The unpacking. The relearning and rebuilding of standards. Not only my standards for what I'd like to find in someone, but for how they might treat me, acknowledging myself and my needs, not putting myself aside, not allowing self doubt to cloud my self worth, learning not to be too self conscious about saying anything about my struggles; just relearning how to be.
So perhaps if the first "relationship" situation survived all that heavy relearning nonsense, maybe it'd have some potential, but my thinking has always been that, more likely than not, the next situation after that could then be met with these things already unpacked and figured out, the relearning and reintroduction to whatever things I'd relearn and reintroduce to myself, done and conquered.
Clearly, this was very surprisingly and abruptly halted before it could be any of these things.
The worst part was that this was the most idyllic situation for all of these things. ALL OF THEM. I was a dam of all these things, and with inexplicable ease he said, "Hello, kind lady, let me help you to very carefully remove all these very important bricks you took so long to stack." I didn't know I had so much back there, and that I could let it out and still be a normal person, that it's okay that it's there, and that talking about it would be okay, too.
But that's a boldfaced lie. I knew it was there, I just didn't realize... I just wasn't anticipating feeling so at ease about it, ready to wait patiently for it's unpacking in due time, when it was right, when it was appropriate, and to be totally convinced of that only to have all of those bricks I'd placed just-so to be thrown back into the crevasse on a whim with callous indifference and complete lack of forethought, to leave what was once a nice, neat dam with angry, bulging leaks.
The worst part is how acknowledged I know I would have felt having told him. How acknowledged I felt when he read my poetry, and didn't even know what it was about, but knew what was behind it, somehow. I know what I know, about me, and for years I've been fine with that, but I buried my desire for others to really know me. I buried it. And now it's here with nowhere to go.
I knew I was on the precipice of self discovery weeks ago, maybe months ago now? I thought it would have to do with where I was with god, but that has very certainly taken a back seat at this point. But I suppose it's all interconnected. I started drinking, stopped believing in god, and became single all in one fell swoop, (although that one event was just a blip in my history, albeit a large one.) In good spirits, I was just so ready for the next ascent. And I wanted to share my ascent with someone. Dam be damned, I'm now spiraling upward in introspective self discovery and I want nothing more in the whole entire world than a sounding board! I don't want to write it here, because I want an actual, human ear. I don't want to waste it all talking to a brick wall when there is, out there, the wonderful, beautiful, gratifying sensation of having someone visibly understanding me as a person; an actual, real human conversation with human interaction; the nuance of facial expressions and body language.... eyebrows, posture, hand placement, head tilts, smiles and frowns...
Tyler was my emotionally-open, intellectual-equal. The last emotionally-open, intellectual-equal I felt I had was Jeremy. I met him in 2007, and all this went down in 2009. This is how long I fear it might be before I find another emotionally-open, intellectual-equal... He said he'd be open to friendship, but I am at a complete loss of good judgement on when and on what timetable that might be possible or the framework of transition. I don't know how to transition this and I think I want our friendship faster than is feasible. I just want to continue the conversations, but it seems I might have foiled my efforts again.