Upswing
SO my last entry was all melancholy. I did talk to Robert that night because I was mad. Apparently he'd already told Stephanie we'd fooled around and it was "water under the bridge." I guess they have a semi-open relationship. So, that was that.
I did have to take sam-E, St. John's Wort, and extra B vitamins for a couple days after that to get myself back on an even keel, but it worked, and I feel good.
I also said in my last entry that I feel I have to break down this wall I have right now. In my melancholy state, I thought that would mean plunging myself back into unhappiness so that I could open myself up to people again, but I think perhaps I was mistaken.
I need to realize that people who are my friends won't dislike me, their friend, for pursuing hanging out. Just because I feel shafted when I try and try but can't get something going, doesn't mean they don't want to hang out with me. It means we all have lives.
What I need to be is that person who takes interest in other people's lives. Stephen does that so well. (He's the hot priest. I don't know if I've talked about him here. I want to have his babies.) I need to be more like Stephen in that way. Be mindful of what people tell me and ask for updates later on. It's a wonderful way to make people feel special and thought of. I'm sure it comes naturally to him. It seems like it does. But that's why he's in his profession - he genuinely cares about people.
I've gotten stable with myself. I don't need to tear down my happiness to tear down my wall. I'll gain more requests for my presence when others feel I care about them, rather than wallowing in thinking people don't care about me. I need to stop holding back my care for others for fear that they won't care back. I don't suppose it works that way.
I guess all in all, I'm glad I got those thoughts out in that last entry, because it paved the way for my clarity. That's always been the consequence of journaling.
For a long time now I haven't updated as frequently as I did before. I didn't want to let my sad thoughts creep forward and have to deal with them. So, maybe I need to make a concerted effort to at least write down the things I want to stay mindful of and continue a productive discourse with myself on how to move forward. I've been stagnant. I'm moving forward.
I did have to take sam-E, St. John's Wort, and extra B vitamins for a couple days after that to get myself back on an even keel, but it worked, and I feel good.
I also said in my last entry that I feel I have to break down this wall I have right now. In my melancholy state, I thought that would mean plunging myself back into unhappiness so that I could open myself up to people again, but I think perhaps I was mistaken.
I need to realize that people who are my friends won't dislike me, their friend, for pursuing hanging out. Just because I feel shafted when I try and try but can't get something going, doesn't mean they don't want to hang out with me. It means we all have lives.
What I need to be is that person who takes interest in other people's lives. Stephen does that so well. (He's the hot priest. I don't know if I've talked about him here. I want to have his babies.) I need to be more like Stephen in that way. Be mindful of what people tell me and ask for updates later on. It's a wonderful way to make people feel special and thought of. I'm sure it comes naturally to him. It seems like it does. But that's why he's in his profession - he genuinely cares about people.
I've gotten stable with myself. I don't need to tear down my happiness to tear down my wall. I'll gain more requests for my presence when others feel I care about them, rather than wallowing in thinking people don't care about me. I need to stop holding back my care for others for fear that they won't care back. I don't suppose it works that way.
I guess all in all, I'm glad I got those thoughts out in that last entry, because it paved the way for my clarity. That's always been the consequence of journaling.
For a long time now I haven't updated as frequently as I did before. I didn't want to let my sad thoughts creep forward and have to deal with them. So, maybe I need to make a concerted effort to at least write down the things I want to stay mindful of and continue a productive discourse with myself on how to move forward. I've been stagnant. I'm moving forward.