I'm living at arm's length of everything, and I'm sort of a shell of the person I was.
It just... now... dawned on me, that I'm still feeling the loss of the things I lost when Jeremy happened.
Amy left for the Navy, and she gifted me her cello, which needs some work. I contacted Javi, who teaches cello, and asked him if he could look at it. He told me that the Wellington house was having a party, and that I should come and bring pictures so we could figure out a plan of action. So I did. I went. Of course it was all the OLD Phi Mu Alpha's, minus Jeremy and David. Javi, Joey, Gene, Andy Willis, Dan Kiley - those guys. Not that you, you single person (or no one) reading this, know who those guys are.
Well I'm talking to Javi, and suddenly there is a tap on my shoulder. I look over, and for a split second can't recognize that standing before me is ROBERT MIDDAUGH! Robert - my favorite fucking person back in the day. He loved reading my livejournal until I made it friend's only. He created an account to keep reading, and then at some point it stopped auto-logging him on or remembering his password or something.
Robert, who was there for me so totally during the Jeremy thing.
Robert tried to kiss me once, in like 2008. We were at Jeremy's, he was drunk, and I had to actually cover myself with blankets and hold the edges under myself to resist. It was almost funny. No, it was actually funny. He was persistent in a funny way. And finally I convinced him that he didn't want to do that, it was a bad idea, and I wasn't giving in.
He immediately told Stephanie, his girlfriend at the time, now wife. She thought it was funny too? Probably not totally. But she'd talk about it in public, saying I was the one person he ever tried to kiss. She'd say it, jokingly, in front of me. She knew I respected her and him and them, that I didn't let it happen. I never saw him in that way, anyway.
Robert, who now works in Washington DC for the federal government. Last I heard, it had to do with nuclear something-or-other. Or, something about not really being able to talk about what he does. Right around the end of his college career he had an internship with Texas senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, and it started there. Now he's legitimately in the big-leagues. In the behind-the-scenes of government operations... or something.
Well, I talked to Robert for a lot of the night Friday. I don't even remember everything we talked about. I ended up taking Javi and then Robert for a spin in my car. Javi was impressed by my skill at driving my little 6-speed.
Robert suggested that he needed a couch to sleep on, but all the couches there were spoken for. So I invited him to stay at my place. I had no idea, intention, or INKLING that anything might happen. None at all. Zero, whatsoever. It was Robert. He was my favorite fucking person!
So I brought him home. We sat on the futon and talked. We ended up laying down and somehow things just happened. I wonder if it was an impulse thing, or if he thought of that when he got me to invite him over... or however that happened.
In anycase, it wasn't the whole shebang, but good god was it hot. And good.
And I'm mad. I'm mad he gave me a tiny taste of what he has to offer and I can never know. I'm mad at him for taking the little bit of friendship we still had and using it's capital on that. Because I just happened to be at that party for the tiny little happenstance of being gifted a cello... I wasn't originally invited, and Robert didn't contact me. He is Robert Middaugh, and when he is in town, so many people rally around him... why would he remember me?
The next night he tagged Jeremy in a status.
I never went to bed Friday night, and went to work Saturday morning. I wanted to go out to Fry Street Saturday night because I knew he'd be there, but I had to sleep and recover. I texted him the next night to see what he was doing and he said he didn't know, but never kept me updated. It was his last night in town. I didn't think he'd want to see me then anyway, because of Friday night. Why would he? He and Stephanie are so perfect together, and there, out of nowhere... there's me.
And completely wasted friendship capital.
I don't know when "friendship capital" started existing as a thing - I just made it up. But it fits, doesn't it?
But I think this is, perhaps, how I know I really need leave here, get into the Kansas City Chorale, and start over. The people I lost are still all over this place, and the reputation and respect I lost are still abound.
(A coworker that I met at Kay this past December just the other day told me that when she met me she didn't like me, because her sister was dating one of the music fraternity guys who had told her some unbecoming things about me.
It's still abound.
And perhaps I'm so acutely aware of it because of how recently I was reminded.)
I live at arms length of everything now, and when I leave, I won't have people here rallying around me.
I don't go out because people don't invite me out. I withdrew and no one came after me.
I was so excited Friday night to have two parties to go to. Although I only went to one because there was no leaving with Robert Middaugh there.
I have the Fourth of July off and nothing to do.
I only recently decided to stop ignoring the wall I've made around myself. I like being happy, but perhaps I need to tear this thing down so I can remake a person that people can rally around.
Amy left for the Navy, and she gifted me her cello, which needs some work. I contacted Javi, who teaches cello, and asked him if he could look at it. He told me that the Wellington house was having a party, and that I should come and bring pictures so we could figure out a plan of action. So I did. I went. Of course it was all the OLD Phi Mu Alpha's, minus Jeremy and David. Javi, Joey, Gene, Andy Willis, Dan Kiley - those guys. Not that you, you single person (or no one) reading this, know who those guys are.
Well I'm talking to Javi, and suddenly there is a tap on my shoulder. I look over, and for a split second can't recognize that standing before me is ROBERT MIDDAUGH! Robert - my favorite fucking person back in the day. He loved reading my livejournal until I made it friend's only. He created an account to keep reading, and then at some point it stopped auto-logging him on or remembering his password or something.
Robert, who was there for me so totally during the Jeremy thing.
Robert tried to kiss me once, in like 2008. We were at Jeremy's, he was drunk, and I had to actually cover myself with blankets and hold the edges under myself to resist. It was almost funny. No, it was actually funny. He was persistent in a funny way. And finally I convinced him that he didn't want to do that, it was a bad idea, and I wasn't giving in.
He immediately told Stephanie, his girlfriend at the time, now wife. She thought it was funny too? Probably not totally. But she'd talk about it in public, saying I was the one person he ever tried to kiss. She'd say it, jokingly, in front of me. She knew I respected her and him and them, that I didn't let it happen. I never saw him in that way, anyway.
Robert, who now works in Washington DC for the federal government. Last I heard, it had to do with nuclear something-or-other. Or, something about not really being able to talk about what he does. Right around the end of his college career he had an internship with Texas senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, and it started there. Now he's legitimately in the big-leagues. In the behind-the-scenes of government operations... or something.
Well, I talked to Robert for a lot of the night Friday. I don't even remember everything we talked about. I ended up taking Javi and then Robert for a spin in my car. Javi was impressed by my skill at driving my little 6-speed.
Robert suggested that he needed a couch to sleep on, but all the couches there were spoken for. So I invited him to stay at my place. I had no idea, intention, or INKLING that anything might happen. None at all. Zero, whatsoever. It was Robert. He was my favorite fucking person!
So I brought him home. We sat on the futon and talked. We ended up laying down and somehow things just happened. I wonder if it was an impulse thing, or if he thought of that when he got me to invite him over... or however that happened.
In anycase, it wasn't the whole shebang, but good god was it hot. And good.
And I'm mad. I'm mad he gave me a tiny taste of what he has to offer and I can never know. I'm mad at him for taking the little bit of friendship we still had and using it's capital on that. Because I just happened to be at that party for the tiny little happenstance of being gifted a cello... I wasn't originally invited, and Robert didn't contact me. He is Robert Middaugh, and when he is in town, so many people rally around him... why would he remember me?
The next night he tagged Jeremy in a status.
I never went to bed Friday night, and went to work Saturday morning. I wanted to go out to Fry Street Saturday night because I knew he'd be there, but I had to sleep and recover. I texted him the next night to see what he was doing and he said he didn't know, but never kept me updated. It was his last night in town. I didn't think he'd want to see me then anyway, because of Friday night. Why would he? He and Stephanie are so perfect together, and there, out of nowhere... there's me.
And completely wasted friendship capital.
I don't know when "friendship capital" started existing as a thing - I just made it up. But it fits, doesn't it?
But I think this is, perhaps, how I know I really need leave here, get into the Kansas City Chorale, and start over. The people I lost are still all over this place, and the reputation and respect I lost are still abound.
(A coworker that I met at Kay this past December just the other day told me that when she met me she didn't like me, because her sister was dating one of the music fraternity guys who had told her some unbecoming things about me.
It's still abound.
And perhaps I'm so acutely aware of it because of how recently I was reminded.)
I live at arms length of everything now, and when I leave, I won't have people here rallying around me.
I don't go out because people don't invite me out. I withdrew and no one came after me.
I was so excited Friday night to have two parties to go to. Although I only went to one because there was no leaving with Robert Middaugh there.
I have the Fourth of July off and nothing to do.
I only recently decided to stop ignoring the wall I've made around myself. I like being happy, but perhaps I need to tear this thing down so I can remake a person that people can rally around.