I don't even know what to title this entry
You know those times when you get in your car to drive somewhere, and, left with a moment for just you and your thoughts, the general and usually vague mood you were in before becomes intensified because the things that are the most present in your life come to the forefront of your mind? Lately, in these moments, I feel so happy and lucky I can barely contain myself.
And I feel a little silly, because I am still ridiculously unstable. Financially I am a mess. An absolute mess. But I can't seem to help being unbelievably happy.
I've been talking to Jeremy lately. We've seen each other at Lou's almost every single time I go now. And of course we always end up talking. Over the past year, everytime we talk, we've mentioned... or he's mentioned.... being friends again. And everytime I think to myself, "Well, if he means it, he'll follow through and contact me, but he probably won't, and I don't care." And that's always the case.
The last couple times I've talked to him, he talks about all the unfortunate circumstances of his life as of late. He has had 5..... yes, FIVE... TOTALED... car wrecks in the past two years. TOTALED. He was hit by a drunk driver this St. Patty's day, and was bloodied real good. He had fast reflexes and saved his life and the lives of the other four people in the car, because he had been sober.
In the past six months, his grandmother, his favorite and closest uncle, and his 20 year old dog died. Yes, the dog was 20, and he is 25. So he has no faith that he's even going to be alive in a year's time. Escaping death five times, and facing it three times, he doesn't fear his death, but legitimately believes that he wont be alive in a year.
I knew about all the other stuff before his last accident, and even then, I couldn't help but ask myself why? He's in the place I have ALWAYS been in, where life refuses to give me a break... just refuses. One thing after another after another after another. Now I'm finally free, and he's stuck. Why?
I don't believe in karma AT ALL. In NO WAY do I believe in karma. I went through way, way too much in my life to believe in karma. I did not deserve the things I went through, but I'm me because of them. Its not that I'm angry or bitter, but karma cannot possibly exist.
So in my head, when I ask why me? Why am I free and why is he stuck? As if another person is in my head, answering the question, time and time again, my thought is, "Karma. I dealt with the consequences of my wrongdoings in our scandal, served my time, and moved on. What he did was worse, and he's still dealing with the consequences." And then, without any other sort of answer to make sense of it, I move on in my thoughts.
Like, "Oh, karma. Well, alright." ::shrug::
And there was something weirdly satisfying about his current state of being compared to mine. It doesn't feel mean, but maybe it is a little mean, to be happier in the fact that I'm happy and he... isn't.
But then the St. Patty's day accident happened, and that no longer made sense. He didn't deserve that. No matter what it was he did to me, or what he did to Karen or any of the other girls he's cheated on, he did not deserve that accident. Even if karma did exist, that's too much.
So I talked to Jeremy about all those random thoughts in my head... because Jeremy and I are SO GOOD at those kinds of conversations... delving into every facet of thought processes, rationalizing, finding logic, and expressing it in the most articulate and intellectual ways possible. THOSE are our best conversations.
So this last time I was at Lou's and he was there, we got talking. And we couldn't stop. Sometimes I'd finish his sentences when he couldn't find the right words and he would just look right into my eyes and say, "Wow. I miss you."
There's something that struck me this time. I don't know how to articulate it, but somehow he and his stupid charisma and our complete intellectual harmony made me care again. Not in a romantic way, of course - that's long, long gone.
He texted me this morning to wish me luck on my job interview.
Which reminds me that I have so so many other things to update on.
Life is wonderful and ridiculous, and I'm on the precipice of job #4. And I am so happy I can barely contain myself. I have so much more to write, but I need to go to choir. I love my life. I love it so fucking much I can barely stand it.
And I feel a little silly, because I am still ridiculously unstable. Financially I am a mess. An absolute mess. But I can't seem to help being unbelievably happy.
I've been talking to Jeremy lately. We've seen each other at Lou's almost every single time I go now. And of course we always end up talking. Over the past year, everytime we talk, we've mentioned... or he's mentioned.... being friends again. And everytime I think to myself, "Well, if he means it, he'll follow through and contact me, but he probably won't, and I don't care." And that's always the case.
The last couple times I've talked to him, he talks about all the unfortunate circumstances of his life as of late. He has had 5..... yes, FIVE... TOTALED... car wrecks in the past two years. TOTALED. He was hit by a drunk driver this St. Patty's day, and was bloodied real good. He had fast reflexes and saved his life and the lives of the other four people in the car, because he had been sober.
In the past six months, his grandmother, his favorite and closest uncle, and his 20 year old dog died. Yes, the dog was 20, and he is 25. So he has no faith that he's even going to be alive in a year's time. Escaping death five times, and facing it three times, he doesn't fear his death, but legitimately believes that he wont be alive in a year.
I knew about all the other stuff before his last accident, and even then, I couldn't help but ask myself why? He's in the place I have ALWAYS been in, where life refuses to give me a break... just refuses. One thing after another after another after another. Now I'm finally free, and he's stuck. Why?
I don't believe in karma AT ALL. In NO WAY do I believe in karma. I went through way, way too much in my life to believe in karma. I did not deserve the things I went through, but I'm me because of them. Its not that I'm angry or bitter, but karma cannot possibly exist.
So in my head, when I ask why me? Why am I free and why is he stuck? As if another person is in my head, answering the question, time and time again, my thought is, "Karma. I dealt with the consequences of my wrongdoings in our scandal, served my time, and moved on. What he did was worse, and he's still dealing with the consequences." And then, without any other sort of answer to make sense of it, I move on in my thoughts.
Like, "Oh, karma. Well, alright." ::shrug::
And there was something weirdly satisfying about his current state of being compared to mine. It doesn't feel mean, but maybe it is a little mean, to be happier in the fact that I'm happy and he... isn't.
But then the St. Patty's day accident happened, and that no longer made sense. He didn't deserve that. No matter what it was he did to me, or what he did to Karen or any of the other girls he's cheated on, he did not deserve that accident. Even if karma did exist, that's too much.
So I talked to Jeremy about all those random thoughts in my head... because Jeremy and I are SO GOOD at those kinds of conversations... delving into every facet of thought processes, rationalizing, finding logic, and expressing it in the most articulate and intellectual ways possible. THOSE are our best conversations.
So this last time I was at Lou's and he was there, we got talking. And we couldn't stop. Sometimes I'd finish his sentences when he couldn't find the right words and he would just look right into my eyes and say, "Wow. I miss you."
There's something that struck me this time. I don't know how to articulate it, but somehow he and his stupid charisma and our complete intellectual harmony made me care again. Not in a romantic way, of course - that's long, long gone.
He texted me this morning to wish me luck on my job interview.
Which reminds me that I have so so many other things to update on.
Life is wonderful and ridiculous, and I'm on the precipice of job #4. And I am so happy I can barely contain myself. I have so much more to write, but I need to go to choir. I love my life. I love it so fucking much I can barely stand it.