Paraphrasing a charming woman
I recently read an article in which a delightful woman outlined 10 rules that need to be followed in day to day dealings with other people:
I have edited them to fit my life.
1. My rent is my business. In fact, unless you're my mother...no, strike that -- especially if you're my mother, the question "What did you pay for that?" has to go.
2. I don't need regular updates on your little one's potty training. I wish the kid well. When he finally masters the concept, I'll send him a check for $20 and a pair of Batman underpants -- but it doesn't need to be part of your outgoing message. Even toddlers are entitled to maintain a touch of mystery.
3. Let's get this kissing thing straight once and for all. The only time it's acceptable to kiss me by way of introduction is if the introduction goes as follows: "Patrick Stewart, meet Larry Wile." Note: This rule does not apply to Matt Damon and could potentially be waived for Josh Hartnett and Kip Pardue.
4. I don't wish to mark the one-week anniversary of your dachshund's hysterectomy. If Sparky needs her dressing changed twice a day, let that be your special secret.
5. Despite what they told us in junior high, I realize that getting pregnant isn't always easy. But there's an old saying, Lazy sperm does not cocktail-party chatter make. All right, so it's not an old saying -- but I for one still plan on making one of my knitting friends needlepoint it onto a pillow. Sit down with a close friend, a glass of merlot, a box of Kleenex, and be sad. Blurt it out to me and you'll hate yourself in the morning.
6. And speaking of waiters -- attention, restaurant personnel: Quit calling me Honey. I'm not your honey, I'm just a guy in need of a chicken salad on white toast and a side of fries.
7. I'd be willing to walk through fire for the man I love, but I am not willing to share a toothbrush. There will always be an extra in my medicine cabinet.
8. Stay out of my medicine cabinet.
9. You might think you know me well enough to pop by for an unannounced visit. But I need ten minutes to stuff everything I own into a closet and change from my pure-unadulterated- slob clothes into my "Can you believe how fabulous I look even when I'm just lying around?" clothes. Call first.
10. Love is a many splendored thing -- don't let's cheapen it. The proper response to a phone colleague professing love is "Fabulous...because it looks as if I may need a kidney transplant. Why don't we get you tissue-typed."
I have edited them to fit my life.
1. My rent is my business. In fact, unless you're my mother...no, strike that -- especially if you're my mother, the question "What did you pay for that?" has to go.
2. I don't need regular updates on your little one's potty training. I wish the kid well. When he finally masters the concept, I'll send him a check for $20 and a pair of Batman underpants -- but it doesn't need to be part of your outgoing message. Even toddlers are entitled to maintain a touch of mystery.
3. Let's get this kissing thing straight once and for all. The only time it's acceptable to kiss me by way of introduction is if the introduction goes as follows: "Patrick Stewart, meet Larry Wile." Note: This rule does not apply to Matt Damon and could potentially be waived for Josh Hartnett and Kip Pardue.
4. I don't wish to mark the one-week anniversary of your dachshund's hysterectomy. If Sparky needs her dressing changed twice a day, let that be your special secret.
5. Despite what they told us in junior high, I realize that getting pregnant isn't always easy. But there's an old saying, Lazy sperm does not cocktail-party chatter make. All right, so it's not an old saying -- but I for one still plan on making one of my knitting friends needlepoint it onto a pillow. Sit down with a close friend, a glass of merlot, a box of Kleenex, and be sad. Blurt it out to me and you'll hate yourself in the morning.
6. And speaking of waiters -- attention, restaurant personnel: Quit calling me Honey. I'm not your honey, I'm just a guy in need of a chicken salad on white toast and a side of fries.
7. I'd be willing to walk through fire for the man I love, but I am not willing to share a toothbrush. There will always be an extra in my medicine cabinet.
8. Stay out of my medicine cabinet.
9. You might think you know me well enough to pop by for an unannounced visit. But I need ten minutes to stuff everything I own into a closet and change from my pure-unadulterated- slob clothes into my "Can you believe how fabulous I look even when I'm just lying around?" clothes. Call first.
10. Love is a many splendored thing -- don't let's cheapen it. The proper response to a phone colleague professing love is "Fabulous...because it looks as if I may need a kidney transplant. Why don't we get you tissue-typed."