See Im not insane!
This is an E-mail my aunt wrote me (my fathers sister)
Hi Alix
It was really nice being able to hang out with you. One of the highlights of my trip, for sure!
Here's what's up after my breakfast with your dad:
Biggest agreement: he acknowledges that it's important that you have "someone to talk to" (his words) in the family, and was very happy I could be there as your advocate (my words). So, after we talked about how cool it is that you want to be as independent as possible and how that was a very good thing, he saw that many of his frustrations are transportation-related, others are him feeling constantly bombarded with requests, especially financial (which is how he basically sets up communication, since he doesn't set aside regular time to talk about family stuff). So, here's a little summary.
- Driver's Ed: He will step up and get going on driver's ed, said it was important, that he needs to do his part. I will follow through with him on this, and I encourage you to do the same. As for a car, I don't know if buying Ginger's car is still an option or not, but I do know it'll require constant vigilance for him to make this (the car) a priority.
- Waiting for a ride: I did explain to him how shitty it was for you to have to wait to be picked up at school, and also acknowledged how difficult it must for him to break up his work day (blah blah blah). So, I asked him about you taking a cab. He said he'd never considered it, but it was a good idea.
Again, I will follow up with him on this. I'm not clear how this would work out: you two would have to have a conversation each morning about whether he could pick you up, he may or may not be able to do that first thing, I dunno. I have other thoughts on this, like maybe giving you a travel fund, but that puts a lot of responsibility on you to only use it for cabs. How do you feel about that?
- Therapy: He feels he doesn't have a lot of input here, and I shared with him that I'm willing to help locate someone, so that seemed fine.
- Lunch. I see how much groundwork you have to do (meaning, he expects you to do most, if not all of the research for any given topic). I asked why he couldn't just walk in the door with a checkbook and pay for your lunch. I'll follow up with him on this, too.
I wasn't happy that the burden is on you to find out how much it costs and then get a check, because frankly, I think he should go and pay for it. I don't how comfortable you are doing all that, maybe it's not a big deal, maybe you don't have to hassle on that level, not sure how you feel.
- The money stuff. Howard really does not have a clue about what a budget should be for a teenage girl, so he is overwhelmed by every request. Of course, he has no budget for himself, either, so we don't exactly have a good base to work from here. I seriously doubt he could come with one on his own that would also figure out what's fair for you to pay for with your little paycheck. But....you and I sure could come up with one! Then, you two could review it together, and there ya go.
Any given topic: My sense is that the more you can give your dad something to step into, rather than ask him to create something, the better. The advantage is whatever it is gets on the table, it's tangible, he can deal with it, etc. The disadvantage is that you have to a lot of the work. On the other hand, you already have so many skills that help you be a responsible adult, that this may just seem like the price you pay for getting him to take whatever it is seriously, and being able to communicate. Is it ideal parenting or fair in any given instance? Well, you already know the answer to that one....
So I'll give HPW a call on Monday and see what's up with the stuff he said he'd do. Let me know about the ASW Budget Proposal..
take care
Love
Aunt Barbara
Hi Alix
It was really nice being able to hang out with you. One of the highlights of my trip, for sure!
Here's what's up after my breakfast with your dad:
Biggest agreement: he acknowledges that it's important that you have "someone to talk to" (his words) in the family, and was very happy I could be there as your advocate (my words). So, after we talked about how cool it is that you want to be as independent as possible and how that was a very good thing, he saw that many of his frustrations are transportation-related, others are him feeling constantly bombarded with requests, especially financial (which is how he basically sets up communication, since he doesn't set aside regular time to talk about family stuff). So, here's a little summary.
- Driver's Ed: He will step up and get going on driver's ed, said it was important, that he needs to do his part. I will follow through with him on this, and I encourage you to do the same. As for a car, I don't know if buying Ginger's car is still an option or not, but I do know it'll require constant vigilance for him to make this (the car) a priority.
- Waiting for a ride: I did explain to him how shitty it was for you to have to wait to be picked up at school, and also acknowledged how difficult it must for him to break up his work day (blah blah blah). So, I asked him about you taking a cab. He said he'd never considered it, but it was a good idea.
Again, I will follow up with him on this. I'm not clear how this would work out: you two would have to have a conversation each morning about whether he could pick you up, he may or may not be able to do that first thing, I dunno. I have other thoughts on this, like maybe giving you a travel fund, but that puts a lot of responsibility on you to only use it for cabs. How do you feel about that?
- Therapy: He feels he doesn't have a lot of input here, and I shared with him that I'm willing to help locate someone, so that seemed fine.
- Lunch. I see how much groundwork you have to do (meaning, he expects you to do most, if not all of the research for any given topic). I asked why he couldn't just walk in the door with a checkbook and pay for your lunch. I'll follow up with him on this, too.
I wasn't happy that the burden is on you to find out how much it costs and then get a check, because frankly, I think he should go and pay for it. I don't how comfortable you are doing all that, maybe it's not a big deal, maybe you don't have to hassle on that level, not sure how you feel.
- The money stuff. Howard really does not have a clue about what a budget should be for a teenage girl, so he is overwhelmed by every request. Of course, he has no budget for himself, either, so we don't exactly have a good base to work from here. I seriously doubt he could come with one on his own that would also figure out what's fair for you to pay for with your little paycheck. But....you and I sure could come up with one! Then, you two could review it together, and there ya go.
Any given topic: My sense is that the more you can give your dad something to step into, rather than ask him to create something, the better. The advantage is whatever it is gets on the table, it's tangible, he can deal with it, etc. The disadvantage is that you have to a lot of the work. On the other hand, you already have so many skills that help you be a responsible adult, that this may just seem like the price you pay for getting him to take whatever it is seriously, and being able to communicate. Is it ideal parenting or fair in any given instance? Well, you already know the answer to that one....
So I'll give HPW a call on Monday and see what's up with the stuff he said he'd do. Let me know about the ASW Budget Proposal..
take care
Love
Aunt Barbara