no good
I can't trust anyone. I can trust so few people here that I can't even fill them to one hand.
I try and motivate to 'give it my all' when I don't trust people or their intentions. Unless I feel comfortable, I can't give it 100pct. That sucks.
Work is going fine. Sports are the challenge. I know I wasn't meant to be an Olympian, to quote my parents, but I'm still fighting that internal mental fight from high school to be the biggest jock on the block. And at this stage my life, it isn't productive. But my mind says do it. Try and be that person you weren't "meant" to be. Rebel. You know all their tricks and attitudes.
Bang my head against my desk for being struck with this stupid strain of envy that just won't go away. And then when it turns out you can't compare to them, you get angry at yourself and wallow.
And when it's all said and done, you've made self-disparaging comments in front of others that scream depression and lack of self confidence...BUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Has anyone ever seen me run? Have they ever judged me mentally? I saw myself run on video from the fall and god almighty, I look ReALLY REALLY stupid. I can't imagine why I still even run. I struggle with this all the time. There are times when I don't care, but athletic competition in front of peers I can't compete with. BUT YET this is what prides me when I don't do well in other areas, prowess was my escape from when I did poorly in college or at work. So what do I rely on? THIS IS BIG WASTE OF TIME AT MY AGE. But I can't let it go. Letting to would be admitting defeat. Letting go would be letting my parents win. I hate letting someone else win without a fight. I've fought for what... going on 8 years now?
I need to give this up. I need to give something up, but yet it motivates me. It motivates me to keep trying.
I'm admitting that mentally I'm still 14 in this area. And my honest relatives say "oh it's so great, it's just like you were still a teenager, your responses and reactions and descriptions haven't changed one bit"
And this was to me in person. And they are so f'n right.
I try and motivate to 'give it my all' when I don't trust people or their intentions. Unless I feel comfortable, I can't give it 100pct. That sucks.
Work is going fine. Sports are the challenge. I know I wasn't meant to be an Olympian, to quote my parents, but I'm still fighting that internal mental fight from high school to be the biggest jock on the block. And at this stage my life, it isn't productive. But my mind says do it. Try and be that person you weren't "meant" to be. Rebel. You know all their tricks and attitudes.
Bang my head against my desk for being struck with this stupid strain of envy that just won't go away. And then when it turns out you can't compare to them, you get angry at yourself and wallow.
And when it's all said and done, you've made self-disparaging comments in front of others that scream depression and lack of self confidence...BUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Has anyone ever seen me run? Have they ever judged me mentally? I saw myself run on video from the fall and god almighty, I look ReALLY REALLY stupid. I can't imagine why I still even run. I struggle with this all the time. There are times when I don't care, but athletic competition in front of peers I can't compete with. BUT YET this is what prides me when I don't do well in other areas, prowess was my escape from when I did poorly in college or at work. So what do I rely on? THIS IS BIG WASTE OF TIME AT MY AGE. But I can't let it go. Letting to would be admitting defeat. Letting go would be letting my parents win. I hate letting someone else win without a fight. I've fought for what... going on 8 years now?
I need to give this up. I need to give something up, but yet it motivates me. It motivates me to keep trying.
I'm admitting that mentally I'm still 14 in this area. And my honest relatives say "oh it's so great, it's just like you were still a teenager, your responses and reactions and descriptions haven't changed one bit"
And this was to me in person. And they are so f'n right.