Depression
Depression is not fun my friends. It makes you tired and it makes you not want to do anything and it makes you not care but at the same time very emotional...
If depression is the right word for what I feel regularly then I am depressed.
I feel like no one truly loves me (often, not all the time.)
I feel frustrated with the way my life is going and would like to lash out in some way.
I feel exhausted and I feel the best solution is to give up.
Still I look ahead with that stubbornness your parents teach you and I think I can make something of myself. Others seem in general to agree with that statement. Comfort often does not help because it seems hollow and insincere. My bosses are assholes and treat me with mistrust. They treat me like a High School student. I hate them. Every day I feel like I want to cry. Today I went to the pub for lunch so I could have a beer to calm down before finishing my shift.
I don't think anyone understands me. I miss having close friends. I don't have any here.
Kevin is only a half hour away and still it seems farther than ever.
I feel like I'm drowning and no one is going to save me. Not even me because I don't care to.
Shrinks don't work because they...I don't know why they don't work. Maybe they analize me incorrectly. Maybe there is no real solution. Maybe I'll never feel truly happy with my life again. I live for moments. Is that all life is? Just..waiting for those moments when things are great and you're in love? Those moments when you're so happy because you know everyone around you cares and it's all warm and fuzzy... Those don't happen too often for me. Considering my life is actually fantabulous compared to most people's lives I feel guilty feeling so angry all the time and so sad. Sometimes I think I'm pretty emo. Most of the time I don't care and I just wish I could express myself more often emotionally. I wish I didn't bottle my anger is situations and then let it out later when the person who angered me is no longer around. Sometimes I wish I were more violent. Sometimes I want to blow up convenience stores or any kind of market type store...especially Paradise Pets. I hate how they demean their workers in the service industry. Workers who serve deserve respect. Respect from the customers and respect from management and owners. RESPECT. It is simple and it's all I ask for. I have worked hard to get my degree and I will have it soon and it maybe won't do much. I found what I love but will I be able to do it? If not I may become suicidal and prematurely washed up. Maybe I'll join the army. People say I'm strong and they tell me it will be alright. The army would make me strong and they would pay and it would be alright. I feel weak and I feel useless and if I died or found out I was going to die I would welcome it.
This may seem melodramatic but think for a moment about what you thought the world was when you were younger, a child. Then think what you've learned that it isn't. The world seems pretty horrible when you look at it like that. The world is horrible and it isn't fair. I was lied to when I was little and I wish the lie had gone on. I wish I never woke up. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to lose that sparkle in my eyes but everyone seems determined to stamp it out of me. Please tell me I'm not crazy for wanting respect and love. Please tell me that good things can happen in this world. Tell me fairy tales can come true.
I want to never wake up.
If depression is the right word for what I feel regularly then I am depressed.
I feel like no one truly loves me (often, not all the time.)
I feel frustrated with the way my life is going and would like to lash out in some way.
I feel exhausted and I feel the best solution is to give up.
Still I look ahead with that stubbornness your parents teach you and I think I can make something of myself. Others seem in general to agree with that statement. Comfort often does not help because it seems hollow and insincere. My bosses are assholes and treat me with mistrust. They treat me like a High School student. I hate them. Every day I feel like I want to cry. Today I went to the pub for lunch so I could have a beer to calm down before finishing my shift.
I don't think anyone understands me. I miss having close friends. I don't have any here.
Kevin is only a half hour away and still it seems farther than ever.
I feel like I'm drowning and no one is going to save me. Not even me because I don't care to.
Shrinks don't work because they...I don't know why they don't work. Maybe they analize me incorrectly. Maybe there is no real solution. Maybe I'll never feel truly happy with my life again. I live for moments. Is that all life is? Just..waiting for those moments when things are great and you're in love? Those moments when you're so happy because you know everyone around you cares and it's all warm and fuzzy... Those don't happen too often for me. Considering my life is actually fantabulous compared to most people's lives I feel guilty feeling so angry all the time and so sad. Sometimes I think I'm pretty emo. Most of the time I don't care and I just wish I could express myself more often emotionally. I wish I didn't bottle my anger is situations and then let it out later when the person who angered me is no longer around. Sometimes I wish I were more violent. Sometimes I want to blow up convenience stores or any kind of market type store...especially Paradise Pets. I hate how they demean their workers in the service industry. Workers who serve deserve respect. Respect from the customers and respect from management and owners. RESPECT. It is simple and it's all I ask for. I have worked hard to get my degree and I will have it soon and it maybe won't do much. I found what I love but will I be able to do it? If not I may become suicidal and prematurely washed up. Maybe I'll join the army. People say I'm strong and they tell me it will be alright. The army would make me strong and they would pay and it would be alright. I feel weak and I feel useless and if I died or found out I was going to die I would welcome it.
This may seem melodramatic but think for a moment about what you thought the world was when you were younger, a child. Then think what you've learned that it isn't. The world seems pretty horrible when you look at it like that. The world is horrible and it isn't fair. I was lied to when I was little and I wish the lie had gone on. I wish I never woke up. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to lose that sparkle in my eyes but everyone seems determined to stamp it out of me. Please tell me I'm not crazy for wanting respect and love. Please tell me that good things can happen in this world. Tell me fairy tales can come true.
I want to never wake up.