“Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!”, Artur Boruc/Dan Wykowski, R
TITLE: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
RATING: RRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
PAIRING: ARTUR BORUC/DAN WYKOWSKI (HIS “IDIOT NEIGHBOUR” IN THE FRIDAY RAGE LIST)
WARNING: CAPS LOCK!!! ALSO VIOLENT IMAGERY AND TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS!!!
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT TRUE!
1. BROOKS PECK - BROOKS HAS STOPPED WRITING MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST AND I AM ENRAGED! ENRAGED!!! I AM GOING TO COVER HIM WITH TREACLE AND STRAP HIM TO NELSON'S COLUMN! AAAAHHHH I WAS GOING TO MAKE A "PECK" JOKE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!
2. EX-WIVES - MY IDIOT NEIGHBOUR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS GONE BACK TO GLASGOW TO THRASH OUT HIS DIVORCE SETTLEMENT! I WOULDN'T MIND BUT IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS I OFFERED TO LOOK AFTER HIS GOOBER KIDS! AAAAAHHH I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN! I AM PUNISHING THEM BY MAKING THEM WATCH “STRICTLY COME DANCING” EVERY NIGHT BUT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY MIND IT! I NEED TO THINK OUT MY PUNISHMENTS BETTER!
3. GOOBERS - MY TEMPORARY GOOBER KIDS ASKED WHAT A GOOBER WAS! I SAID “HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS WHEN YOU ARE ONE?!” BUT THEY SAID THEY DON’T USE THAT WORD IN SCOTLAND! I TOLD THEM IT WAS A PEANUT AND I BOUGHT THEM TWO KILOS OF PEANUT BRITTLE EACH!! MY SECRET PLAN IS FOR THEM TO DIE OF A HITHERTO UNSUSPECTED PEANUT ALLERGY!!
4. CORN - AAAAHHH THE CORN HAS MOVED ONTO MIND CONTROL! IT IS MAKING ME HAVE IMPURE THOUGHTS! I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE BECAUSE SOUTHAMPTON COUNTY COUNCIL WOULD BUILD A PRISON JUST FOR ME! IT WOULD BE NEON YELLOW! OR IF IT WASN'T TO BEGIN WITH IT WOULD BE ONCE I'D FINISHED SMEARING MY BLOOD ALL OVER IT!
5. EMAIL - WHILE HEADBUTTING MY COMPUTER I ACCIDENTALLY OPENED SOMETHING CALLED AN INBOX AND THERE WAS A MESSAGE FROM DAN! HE SAYS HE MISSES ME AND WILL BE BACK IN SOUTHAMPTON SOON! AAAAAAHHHHH I GOT VERY ANGRY AND HEADBUTTED THE COMPUTER A LOT MORE AND THEN THE FRONT DOORHANDLE TOO! I HOPE DAN GETS LOST IN SWINDON AND… AAAAHHHH WAIT, THEN I WOULD HAVE TO LOOK AFTER HIS GOOBER KIDS FOREVER AND EVER! WHICH MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD ACTUALLY BECAUSE THEY LET ME BORROW THEIR BUTTERFLY HAIRCLIPS!!
6. PLUMBERS - AAAHHHH I WAS SMASHING THE WATER MAIN WITH MY TESTICLES WHILE SINGING TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS THE WAY I USUALLY DO AND A PLUMBER TURNED UP! I SAID I HADN’T SENT FOR HER AND SHE SAID DAN BOOKED HER LAST WEEK BECAUSE I BREAK THE WATER MAIN EVERY WEEK AT THE SAME TIME! I SAID “WELL I RESENT DAN’S INTRUSION INTO MY PRIVATE AFFAIRS!” AND SHE LAUGHED AND SAID “WELL YOU’RE NOT REALLY CAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF ARE YOU ARTUR!” WHEN SHE HAD GONE I SMASHED ALL THE FURNITURE TO PROVE I AM BUT A CARPENTER TURNED UP!!!
7. SHOES - I HATE SHOES!!!!! WHY CAN I NOT WEAR EXTREMELY SMALL AMBULANCES?!?
8. MEASLES - AAAAHHHHHH I THOUGHT THE BOY GOOBER KID HAD MEASLES!!! HE HAD A RED BUMP ON HIS HEAD AND I PANICKED! HURLING THE GOOBER KIDS INTO MY GO-KART I TOOK THEM TO A&E AT 80MPH WHILE SCREAMING IN LIEU OF A SIREN! TWO POLICE CARS MOVED OFF THE ROAD AND CRASHED INTO A TRACTOR SO IT CLEARLY WORKED! AT A&E THEY TOLD ME IT WASN’T THE MEASLES AND THE BOY GOOBER HAD ACTUALLY BEEN BITTEN BY A MIDGE! THAT MADE ME SO ANGRY I THREW LEAFLETS ABOUT HERPES AT THE LIGHT FITTINGS BUT THE GOOBER KIDS TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN AND LED ME BACK TO THE GO-KART! THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME IN THE DARK WHICH WAS AWKWARD BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW THE NAME OF MY STREET OR HOW TO GET THERE BUT FORTUNATELY THE GOOBER KIDS REMEMBERED!!! AAAAAHHHHH I HATE MIDGES SO MUCH!!!
9. THE POPE - EVEN THE POPE IS ANNOYING ME NOW! HE HAS NOT ENDORSED GAY MARRIAGE YET! I WROTE A LETTER TO THE VATICAN IN KETCHUP ON MAGNOLIA PETALS EXPLAINING THAT MOST PEOPLE WHO EAT CORN ARE HETEROSEXUAL! IF WE ENCOURAGED HOMOSEXUALITY WE MIGHT DEFEAT THE CORN! BUT HE HAS NOT REPLIED AND NOW I AM ANGRY AAAHHHH!!! OF COURSE THERE IS NO PARTICULAR REASON FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT THIS TOPIC!
10. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOUR DAN WYKOWSKI - AAAAAHHHHH DAN IS BACK FROM GLASGOW! HE REACHED FAVOURABLE TERMS ON HIS DIVORCE SETTLEMENT! WHEN I SAW HIM I WAS SO ANGRY I STARTED GNAWING ON HIS EAR BUT HE LAUGHED AND PATTED ME AND SAID “I MISSED YOU TOO ARTUR!" THE GOOBER KIDS WERE PLEASED TO SEE HIM TOO SO THAT GOT THEM OFF MY BACK FOR A BIT! I ASKED IF WE COULD WATCH “THE LITTLE MERMAID” FOR THE 450TH TIME TO CELEBRATE DAN’S SAFE RETURN BUT THEY SAID NO! BUT THEY SAID I COULD WEAR MY ARIEL OUTFIT WHILE WE WATCHED “BRAVE”! AAAAHHHHHH IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL AND I STARTED CRYING TEARS OF PURE PAINT THINNER! WHEN DAN HAD PUT THE GOOBER KIDS TO BED HE CAME BACK DOWN TO COMFORT ME AND WHEN I HAD STOPPED CRYING HE SAID “I LIKE YOUR LITTLE MERMAID OUTFIT VERY MUCH ARTUR!" THIS IS THE MOST INTELLIGENT THING DAN HAS EVER SAID SO I LET HIM TAKE ME TO BED AND START STICKING HIS PENIS IN ONE OF MY ORIFICES! I SHOUTED “HARDER, DAN WYKOWSKI!” BUT I SHOUTED IT IN A WAY SO THAT HE WOULD KNOW I ACTUALLY MEANT HE IS HUNG LIKE A PIPISTRELLE AND I CAN SEE WHY HIS EX-WIFE DUMPED HIM! AAAAHHHHH I MIGHT GET BACK AT HIM BY LEAVING SOME HERPES LEAFLETS UNDER HIS PILLOW! ANYWAY I PREPARED TO GO HOME AND SLEEP IN THE HAYSTACK IN MY GARAGE BUT DAN SAID “NO ARTUR YOU CAN SLEEP IN HERE FROM NOW ON AND JUST GO BACK TO YOUR OWN HOUSE TO SMASH THINGS!" I WAS SUSPICIOUS BUT HE SAID “ALSO I HAVE MADE A SPECIAL CORN DEFENCE SYSTEM!" AND I KNEW WE WERE MEANT TO BE! AAAAAAHHHHH I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAPPEN TO ME!
I AM ARTUR BORUC-WYKOWSKI AND THIS HAS BEEN MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST. GOOD NIGHT GOD BLESS!!!
RATING: RRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
PAIRING: ARTUR BORUC/DAN WYKOWSKI (HIS “IDIOT NEIGHBOUR” IN THE FRIDAY RAGE LIST)
WARNING: CAPS LOCK!!! ALSO VIOLENT IMAGERY AND TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS!!!
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT TRUE!
1. BROOKS PECK - BROOKS HAS STOPPED WRITING MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST AND I AM ENRAGED! ENRAGED!!! I AM GOING TO COVER HIM WITH TREACLE AND STRAP HIM TO NELSON'S COLUMN! AAAAHHHH I WAS GOING TO MAKE A "PECK" JOKE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!
2. EX-WIVES - MY IDIOT NEIGHBOUR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS GONE BACK TO GLASGOW TO THRASH OUT HIS DIVORCE SETTLEMENT! I WOULDN'T MIND BUT IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS I OFFERED TO LOOK AFTER HIS GOOBER KIDS! AAAAAHHH I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN! I AM PUNISHING THEM BY MAKING THEM WATCH “STRICTLY COME DANCING” EVERY NIGHT BUT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY MIND IT! I NEED TO THINK OUT MY PUNISHMENTS BETTER!
3. GOOBERS - MY TEMPORARY GOOBER KIDS ASKED WHAT A GOOBER WAS! I SAID “HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS WHEN YOU ARE ONE?!” BUT THEY SAID THEY DON’T USE THAT WORD IN SCOTLAND! I TOLD THEM IT WAS A PEANUT AND I BOUGHT THEM TWO KILOS OF PEANUT BRITTLE EACH!! MY SECRET PLAN IS FOR THEM TO DIE OF A HITHERTO UNSUSPECTED PEANUT ALLERGY!!
4. CORN - AAAAHHH THE CORN HAS MOVED ONTO MIND CONTROL! IT IS MAKING ME HAVE IMPURE THOUGHTS! I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE BECAUSE SOUTHAMPTON COUNTY COUNCIL WOULD BUILD A PRISON JUST FOR ME! IT WOULD BE NEON YELLOW! OR IF IT WASN'T TO BEGIN WITH IT WOULD BE ONCE I'D FINISHED SMEARING MY BLOOD ALL OVER IT!
5. EMAIL - WHILE HEADBUTTING MY COMPUTER I ACCIDENTALLY OPENED SOMETHING CALLED AN INBOX AND THERE WAS A MESSAGE FROM DAN! HE SAYS HE MISSES ME AND WILL BE BACK IN SOUTHAMPTON SOON! AAAAAAHHHHH I GOT VERY ANGRY AND HEADBUTTED THE COMPUTER A LOT MORE AND THEN THE FRONT DOORHANDLE TOO! I HOPE DAN GETS LOST IN SWINDON AND… AAAAHHHH WAIT, THEN I WOULD HAVE TO LOOK AFTER HIS GOOBER KIDS FOREVER AND EVER! WHICH MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD ACTUALLY BECAUSE THEY LET ME BORROW THEIR BUTTERFLY HAIRCLIPS!!
6. PLUMBERS - AAAHHHH I WAS SMASHING THE WATER MAIN WITH MY TESTICLES WHILE SINGING TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS THE WAY I USUALLY DO AND A PLUMBER TURNED UP! I SAID I HADN’T SENT FOR HER AND SHE SAID DAN BOOKED HER LAST WEEK BECAUSE I BREAK THE WATER MAIN EVERY WEEK AT THE SAME TIME! I SAID “WELL I RESENT DAN’S INTRUSION INTO MY PRIVATE AFFAIRS!” AND SHE LAUGHED AND SAID “WELL YOU’RE NOT REALLY CAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF ARE YOU ARTUR!” WHEN SHE HAD GONE I SMASHED ALL THE FURNITURE TO PROVE I AM BUT A CARPENTER TURNED UP!!!
7. SHOES - I HATE SHOES!!!!! WHY CAN I NOT WEAR EXTREMELY SMALL AMBULANCES?!?
8. MEASLES - AAAAHHHHHH I THOUGHT THE BOY GOOBER KID HAD MEASLES!!! HE HAD A RED BUMP ON HIS HEAD AND I PANICKED! HURLING THE GOOBER KIDS INTO MY GO-KART I TOOK THEM TO A&E AT 80MPH WHILE SCREAMING IN LIEU OF A SIREN! TWO POLICE CARS MOVED OFF THE ROAD AND CRASHED INTO A TRACTOR SO IT CLEARLY WORKED! AT A&E THEY TOLD ME IT WASN’T THE MEASLES AND THE BOY GOOBER HAD ACTUALLY BEEN BITTEN BY A MIDGE! THAT MADE ME SO ANGRY I THREW LEAFLETS ABOUT HERPES AT THE LIGHT FITTINGS BUT THE GOOBER KIDS TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN AND LED ME BACK TO THE GO-KART! THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME IN THE DARK WHICH WAS AWKWARD BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW THE NAME OF MY STREET OR HOW TO GET THERE BUT FORTUNATELY THE GOOBER KIDS REMEMBERED!!! AAAAAHHHHH I HATE MIDGES SO MUCH!!!
9. THE POPE - EVEN THE POPE IS ANNOYING ME NOW! HE HAS NOT ENDORSED GAY MARRIAGE YET! I WROTE A LETTER TO THE VATICAN IN KETCHUP ON MAGNOLIA PETALS EXPLAINING THAT MOST PEOPLE WHO EAT CORN ARE HETEROSEXUAL! IF WE ENCOURAGED HOMOSEXUALITY WE MIGHT DEFEAT THE CORN! BUT HE HAS NOT REPLIED AND NOW I AM ANGRY AAAHHHH!!! OF COURSE THERE IS NO PARTICULAR REASON FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT THIS TOPIC!
10. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOUR DAN WYKOWSKI - AAAAAHHHHH DAN IS BACK FROM GLASGOW! HE REACHED FAVOURABLE TERMS ON HIS DIVORCE SETTLEMENT! WHEN I SAW HIM I WAS SO ANGRY I STARTED GNAWING ON HIS EAR BUT HE LAUGHED AND PATTED ME AND SAID “I MISSED YOU TOO ARTUR!" THE GOOBER KIDS WERE PLEASED TO SEE HIM TOO SO THAT GOT THEM OFF MY BACK FOR A BIT! I ASKED IF WE COULD WATCH “THE LITTLE MERMAID” FOR THE 450TH TIME TO CELEBRATE DAN’S SAFE RETURN BUT THEY SAID NO! BUT THEY SAID I COULD WEAR MY ARIEL OUTFIT WHILE WE WATCHED “BRAVE”! AAAAHHHHHH IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL AND I STARTED CRYING TEARS OF PURE PAINT THINNER! WHEN DAN HAD PUT THE GOOBER KIDS TO BED HE CAME BACK DOWN TO COMFORT ME AND WHEN I HAD STOPPED CRYING HE SAID “I LIKE YOUR LITTLE MERMAID OUTFIT VERY MUCH ARTUR!" THIS IS THE MOST INTELLIGENT THING DAN HAS EVER SAID SO I LET HIM TAKE ME TO BED AND START STICKING HIS PENIS IN ONE OF MY ORIFICES! I SHOUTED “HARDER, DAN WYKOWSKI!” BUT I SHOUTED IT IN A WAY SO THAT HE WOULD KNOW I ACTUALLY MEANT HE IS HUNG LIKE A PIPISTRELLE AND I CAN SEE WHY HIS EX-WIFE DUMPED HIM! AAAAHHHHH I MIGHT GET BACK AT HIM BY LEAVING SOME HERPES LEAFLETS UNDER HIS PILLOW! ANYWAY I PREPARED TO GO HOME AND SLEEP IN THE HAYSTACK IN MY GARAGE BUT DAN SAID “NO ARTUR YOU CAN SLEEP IN HERE FROM NOW ON AND JUST GO BACK TO YOUR OWN HOUSE TO SMASH THINGS!" I WAS SUSPICIOUS BUT HE SAID “ALSO I HAVE MADE A SPECIAL CORN DEFENCE SYSTEM!" AND I KNEW WE WERE MEANT TO BE! AAAAAAHHHHH I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAPPEN TO ME!
I AM ARTUR BORUC-WYKOWSKI AND THIS HAS BEEN MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST. GOOD NIGHT GOD BLESS!!!