Why Am I Like This?
No matter what I do, I am never happy. But right now things are even worse. I am a junior, and all of my senior friends went to their junior proms. Tonight is the night of prom, but I am not going. I don't have a date. In fact, no one has mentioned it to me, or even asked me to be their date.
Although it hurts, it doesn't come as a surprise. I have never been in a real, long relationship. Why? Nobody seems to want me. Maybe a friend is all I will ever be to people. I am not a bad person. I have dreams and aspirations that are respectable. I try my best to do good in the world. But it never seems to be enough, does it?
Next year I will be a senior. I probably will be in the same situation. Dateless. I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking that it doesn't matter. I don't need to attend a high school prom just to prove myself worthy, or liked. No, you're right, I don't. But you have to put yourself in my shoes. High school is all I know. The people, the teachers, the curriculum, and even the dances, are practically my life. I can't change that, since I am there 30 hours every week. But I can tell you that for the next year things will be the same, and I cannot help but feel less than everyone when I am never granted more, or the same, for once. It seems that no matter how hard I work for things, or how good I try to be, I am never ahead; I am always behind, and below. Maybe that's just what I was made to be.
All I know is I am sick of it. My heart is so broken sometimes that I don't know how I can even go on. Sometimes I don't want to.
But I do.
I have hope that one day things will change and I will be a step ahead. I will be higher, and I won't have to worry, or to cry, or to work and work and still get nowhere.
I don't know.
I just don't know anymore.
Although it hurts, it doesn't come as a surprise. I have never been in a real, long relationship. Why? Nobody seems to want me. Maybe a friend is all I will ever be to people. I am not a bad person. I have dreams and aspirations that are respectable. I try my best to do good in the world. But it never seems to be enough, does it?
Next year I will be a senior. I probably will be in the same situation. Dateless. I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking that it doesn't matter. I don't need to attend a high school prom just to prove myself worthy, or liked. No, you're right, I don't. But you have to put yourself in my shoes. High school is all I know. The people, the teachers, the curriculum, and even the dances, are practically my life. I can't change that, since I am there 30 hours every week. But I can tell you that for the next year things will be the same, and I cannot help but feel less than everyone when I am never granted more, or the same, for once. It seems that no matter how hard I work for things, or how good I try to be, I am never ahead; I am always behind, and below. Maybe that's just what I was made to be.
All I know is I am sick of it. My heart is so broken sometimes that I don't know how I can even go on. Sometimes I don't want to.
But I do.
I have hope that one day things will change and I will be a step ahead. I will be higher, and I won't have to worry, or to cry, or to work and work and still get nowhere.
I don't know.
I just don't know anymore.