(no subject)
I'm 24 weeks 1 day. Still haven't heard from John. I sent him a text the other night and asked if he was ready to grow and be a man and start helping me with things. No response. I guess not. My stress level is out of this world. I have at least 5 panic attacks everyday. I'm back on the list for daycare assistance, but they tell me I have 200 people ahead of me....it's like what do I do? I cannot pay $360 a month like I've been doing. Same dilemma as always...here it is the 1st. Rent is due. I won't have it until friday....but if I pay the rent I can't pay daycare on friday or 8 other bills that are due between now and the 12th. I would be able to pay the other bills and some of the rent if I didn't have to pay daycare! I have no financial help. All of this stress is taking a toll on me. There is no way I will make it to December with this baby. I have the stress of getting money together for a car seat...and maybe a crib if my sisters friend doesn't have the one she was willing to give to me ages ago. I feel like I'm trapped in a bag and there is no way out.
No one has ever hurt me as bad as John has. It's not getting easier at all. I dream every single night now. It really bothers me because sometimes he'll be in the dream and at the end he'll realize what a major ass been to me as far as leaving me 2 days after I told him I was pregnant and then everythings ok. I find myself at night not being able to sleep so I'll lay there and think of something that made me happy...which I do have a lot to choose from since we got along and had fun together. If I wasn't pregnant right now I'd bet anything we'd still be together. But it's fine. I am and it is what it is. I try not to think about the past because it knocks me back into reality that I am a 100% different person now. I blame him. I'm not very happy anymore. All the happy moments just make me cry. I don't even know why I let it get to me. He doesn't give a fuck. He's concerned with money for himself and drinking. Period.
No one has ever hurt me as bad as John has. It's not getting easier at all. I dream every single night now. It really bothers me because sometimes he'll be in the dream and at the end he'll realize what a major ass been to me as far as leaving me 2 days after I told him I was pregnant and then everythings ok. I find myself at night not being able to sleep so I'll lay there and think of something that made me happy...which I do have a lot to choose from since we got along and had fun together. If I wasn't pregnant right now I'd bet anything we'd still be together. But it's fine. I am and it is what it is. I try not to think about the past because it knocks me back into reality that I am a 100% different person now. I blame him. I'm not very happy anymore. All the happy moments just make me cry. I don't even know why I let it get to me. He doesn't give a fuck. He's concerned with money for himself and drinking. Period.