Nothing's Fair in Love and War - 7/10
Title: Nothing’s fair in Love and War - 7/10
Rating: NC17 for the whole thing.
Warnings/Spoilers: Set after Series 2. Slash/Language.
Characters: Torchwood Team Fic - Jack/Ianto.
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or its characters.
Summary: Sequel to my fic - Sex, Lies and CCTV. Jack and Ianto deal with the end of their relationship.
A/N: ‘Because the best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.’ W.C.Fields.
A/N 2: Well my dears, as if it wasn’t emo enough it’s time to crank up the angst Ianto style. Big, special thanks to Sophie
bassairfor being gorgeous and looking over it for me and Happy Birthday to my beautiful Nadine
morgiahave a lovely day sweetheart.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
‘There is danger in both belief and unbelief.’ Phaedrus.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
‘What do you believe in Jack?’
The wind whipped around their faces and Jack drew his coat round them tightly, Ianto’s back pressed against his front as they gazed at the stars. He loved bringing them up here, standing on the roof and holding each other in the night. He dragged them backwards and leaned against the wall, away from the edge and Ianto turned to kiss him softly.
‘What?’
‘What do you believe in? ’Ianto asked again, his face hidden in Jack’s shoulder as he occasionally dropped a kiss along his jaw line.
Jack grinned against his lips and a siren sounded somewhere in the distance, they ignored it and he arched an eyebrow as he thought, ’what do I believe in? hmmm,’ he inclined his head and kissed him in-between statements, ‘sex. And Scotch. Martini’s. And hating politicians. Sex. The Tooth Fairy -‘
‘Love?’
Ianto pulled back to stare at him and Jack frowned.
‘What?’
‘Do you believe in love?’
‘Yeah. I guess.’ He pulled him back close and they sat down next to each other, legs outstretched and eyes looking into the night as they talked, ‘why?’
‘I don’t know if I believe in it anymore. I mean why do you need love?’ Jack frowned and watched Ianto trying to work it out as he spoke, ‘why is it, people think falling in love and living in the perfect relationship is so important?’
‘Because it’s human.’
Ianto rolled his eyes and Jack smiled, they both knew it was his answer for everything, ‘but we prove everyday that it doesn’t matter if you’re human or not. The Universe is full of other life forms and cultures and we’re just one of millions. So why is love such an obsessed over concept on Earth? Surely adventure and exploration and uniqueness are just as important?’ He bought his leg up and rested his elbow on his knee, chewing his thumbnail thoughtfully and Jack turned his face to look at him.
‘You’ve been in love.’ Ianto glanced away and Jack continued regardless, ‘you know why.’
‘I haven’t forgotten,’ he replied and Jack took his hand, rubbing small circles on his wrist ‘it’s just...’ He sighed and Jack bought his hand up to his lips, bent his fingers and kissed his knuckles as he stared off into the distance.
‘Why do you want my opinion?’
Ianto kissed him softly and looked into his eyes, ‘because you already know Jack, because you’ve been in love and you’ve travelled the universe. You can tell me which is more worthwhile. And because you’ve died.’ Ianto’s voice wavered deeply and he took a second. ‘You know what’s coming for us - nothing. So how do you reconcile the fact that after seeing the things you’ve seen and travelling to the places you’ve travelled and saving the people you’ve saved you could fall in love with someone - anyone.’ He added quickly, averting his gaze and continuing, ‘but someone that you would love and have them be your life, until they die. And then they don’t remember you, there’s just nothing. Darkness. And that love is gone, like it never existed. It’s a useless experience, so how do you find anything to believe in after everything you know? What do you believe in if love is ultimately meaningless? I mean do you stop believing it? Do you forget about love and carry on travelling forever?’
Jack stared at him as he sat back and looked out into the sky again, ‘I prefer it when you’re quiet.’
Ianto let his head drop to the side and he smiled, ‘Jack.’
‘Ianto. Just because there is so much in the Universe to see and experience, it doesn’t make things worthless. It makes everything amazing in fact. And all that stuff you do whilst you travel - it’s just the in - between bits, real life is the normal stuff. Like standing on a rooftop in Cardiff.’ He looked back at him and Ianto slid down the wall slightly, leaning his head on his shoulder as he listened to him talk softly, ‘nothing is meaningless Ianto, especially not love - and like you say, a lifetimes nothing and then its over - for most anyway, so you should enjoy it while you have it.’
‘I guess so.’ He sighed and Jack wrapped an arm round his shoulder, ‘is that what we’re doing?’ He asked, ‘enjoying it while it lasts?’
Jack raised his eyebrows thoughtfully, ‘are you enjoying it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then maybe we are,’ he replied, leaning down and murmuring conspiratorially into Ianto’s throat, ‘and maybe we’re in love.’
He laughed quietly and Jack kissed his neck as he grinned, ‘so you believe in it then?’
‘Every time,’ Jack nodded and Ianto stared at him, ‘It’s exhilarating and its pain and it’s everything, its bigger than the Universe. So do I believe in love Ianto? Yes. Always.’
He reached down and kissed him, moaned softly as Ianto twisted his hand in Jack’s shirt, tugging him closer and deepening it until they broke for breath.
‘I’m sorry.’ He leaned into him again and Jack wrapped his coat back round them, ‘I don’t know why I’m thinking about this.’
‘Yes you do.’ Jack kissed the top of his head and sighed. It was the anniversary of Lisa’s death and Ianto had been having more nightmares than normal recently. It occurred to Jack that he should probably acknowledge it now if ever, ‘and I do too, its fine. Wanna talk about it?’
‘No,’ he breathed, the wind dying down and the night stilling around them and he kissed down his neck, his hand wandering up Jack’s thigh, ‘do you still believe in sex?’
Jack gasped quietly as his fingers skimmed over his crotch and he let Ianto push him firmly to the floor, kiss him harder and stare down at him, ‘always.’
‘Good.’
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ianto hurried into the Hub, he was almost late and he was never late, it transpired that insomnia was playing havoc with his punctuality - even when Jack was pulling him constantly from his attempts to get dressed back into bed and pouncing on him Ianto was still always on time. He smiled at the memory of Jack’s face when Ianto had gone into the bathroom to get dressed one morning and come out declaring himself ready for work wearing only a new red tie. That morning had been dangerously close to being late. But this morning he was exhausted and had no Jack excuse…much as he’d like one. He sighed and mentally berated himself for thinking about him in that way. For a week now they had remained professional and friendly, it had been nice Ianto thought, after spectacularly fucking up and having mind blowing sex with him 7 days ago that they could remain on good terms. But they both knew something was missing. It wasn’t the same, it didn’t feel like them, it was too cosy, too false - there wasn’t the passion and tension that made their relationship infuriating and intense and Ianto knew this was how break ups went and he would just have to deal with it. Ianto was ‘just having’ to deal with a lot these days. He missed Jack, he slept better with Jack there and today, after last night’s two hours of nightmares there was something in the back of his mind and the depths of his stomach that was missing Jack’s smile and his infectious laughter and he walked up to his office like he was being drawn there.
Jack and Gwen looked up from where they were sharing coffee and talking quietly, leaning on Jack’s desk. Ianto’s eyes flicked over them and they stopped the conversation automatically.
‘Morning love.’ She smiled at him and Jack watched from behind his mug as Ianto took the scene in somewhat confusedly.
‘Morning.’
Their eyes met and Ianto felt Gwen watch them, ‘want some coffee?’
He snapped his attention back and looked at her, smiling widely, ‘always.’
‘Great,’ she stood up, ‘come on then I’d love one too.’
‘He’ll meet you there.’
Jack inhaled deeply and stared at her and her gaze went from him to Ianto, ‘Jack…-‘
He arched an eyebrow and she nodded quickly in agreement and left, glancing back and smiling at him softly. Ianto was feeling decidedly out of the loop and he turned frustratedly to Jack.
‘Did you want something?’
‘How are you?’
Ianto frowned at Jack’s concerned expression, ‘fine…’
‘Sure? You don’t want the day off…or anything?’
He gestured uselessly and Ianto shoved his hands in his pockets, ‘no. I’m fine. Do you want anything?’
‘No. No I’m good. Just if you’re fine…And you’re sure?’
‘Yes Jack. I’ll go get Gwen her coffee.’
Jack stared at him searchingly for a second and nodded, ‘okay.’
He returned to his station with his coffee, wondering what was going on and absently thinking that maybe Gwen and Jack had been infected with alien personalities but since they didn’t seem dangerous (weird but not dangerous) and he was so exhausted (insomnia becoming as natural as breathing to him at the moment) he would give it a few hours. He sipped his coffee slowly and let it warm him in the familiar damp coldness of the Hub, watching as Gwen busied herself nearby, occasionally throwing him a concerned glance.
She had been concerned with him all the time he had been making coffee, doing her subtle inquisition and making Ianto feel uneasy like there was something he should be worried about and he didn’t know what it was. But then again there was always something to be worried about here he reasoned, turning on his computer and logging in. He took another drink and pulled his chair over, standing by it and glancing over today’s information. His eyes flicked over the screen and the date flashed alarmingly in his mind, coffee dropping through his fingers and crashing to the floor and hot liquid pooling around his feet. He could feel his heart beat in his mouth and his stomach clench, his head seared with sharp pain and his throat went dry.
‘Ianto?’
Ianto’s heart beat hard and guilt washed over him in waves, drowning him in memory and hurt and he stumbled back, staring at the date and feeling Gwen grab him from falling.
‘Ianto, sweetheart? Ianto? Ianto can you hear me?’
He heard himself say something like yes and nodded blankly, turning to her and not really seeing her as he mumbled something about clearing up. He fled away from the computer, the digits of today’s date burning through his mind as he escaped to the lower levels, leaning against the wall and resting his forehead against it, the scrape of stone and the freezing temperature barely registering, he felt numb and he walked down to the depths of the Hub like he was being drawn there.
At some point he recognised the familiar feel of Jack resting next to him as he joined him on the floor and hesitantly put an arm around him. He was sitting against the wall, knees bought up to his chest and arms wrapped around them, his head in his hands and all he could feel was pain and blood and bile in the back of his throat. His chest hurt and his fingers gripped his hair painfully. Jack stuck his legs out and crossed them at the ankles, prised Ianto’s fingers away and let them fall onto his knees, he pulled him closer and kissed the top of head, flinching as Ianto tensed.
The walls were cold and dark and the room felt like it had ghosts swarming around it. The whole Hub was really just a mortuary, empty of real life and full of the dead, the team were just walking corpses and everywhere there were echoing memories of loss and the mixture was making his head hurt and his heart ache.
Jack ran his hand through Ianto’s hair gently, the light pressure of fingertips stroking the top of his neck and he could feel breath on his cheek as he leaned in close, his forehead resting against the side of Ianto’s head as he murmured to him softly. Ianto took a stuttering breath and went back to suppressing sobs, he had had to come down here. Sit against the wall and stare into nothing. He had had to come to what he still thought of as her room. He had had to come and remember her and when he walked in all he could see was him pointing a gun and blood and metal and flesh and cries of pain.
‘How did you find me?’
Ianto’s voice rasped against the soreness on his throat, like sandpaper and it hurt as he swallowed past it. Jack let his arm rest heavily across his shoulders, his hair brush Ianto’s forehead as he held him and talked quietly into his shoulder, ‘you know.’
Ianto did know - heat signals would have led him to the basement. To the room. To her room.
‘And I thought I might find you here today. If you came in that is, I wasn’t expecting you to. I knew you were acting too normally.’
Jack sighed softly and Ianto continued to just sit with his head in his hands, his eyes closed against the world as he forced himself to speak.
‘I forgot.’
Jack opened his eyes and looked at him, ‘what?’
‘I forgot.’ Ianto repeated, his voice slurred with emotion and he felt his stomach flip as he looked past Jack into the darkness of the room, ‘I was just working and I saw the date and…’ he turned his head and wretched painfully, his body twisting from Jack and muscles convulsing as his throat constricted and left him breathing heavily.
Jack pulled him slowly back and stroked his hair as Ianto leant into him this time, his chest heaving, ‘shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay, shhh.’
‘No.’ He shook his head forcefully and Jack gripped him tighter as he sobbed angrily, ‘no, it’s not alright. I forgot Jack, I forgot her! I’m a horrible person.’
‘No.’ Jack turned his face to look at him and Ianto wrenched his eyes away, ‘no.’
‘Do you really believe that?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re wrong.’
‘No.’
‘Yes.’ Ianto stilled and sagged against the wall, tears falling silently down his cheeks, ‘yes I am. I forgot.’
‘You were just living your life,’ Jack replied softly, his hand running slowly up and down his arm, ‘that’s good. You remember her all the time, every day. Today doesn’t mean anything Ianto, it’s just another day.’
They sat in silence for a long time, Ianto’s face stained with tears and Jack occasionally brushed a stray one away until his breathing returned to normal and he buried his head in Jack’s shoulder, closed his eyes and rested for a while, let the memories overtake him and overwhelm him until he exhausted himself. Jack took a deep breath and Ianto sighed against his throat, bought his eyes up to his and Jack stroked his thumb along his jaw, smiled sadly at him, he looked broken and gaunt and Jack rested their foreheads together. He felt Ianto move a millimetre towards him and closed the rest of the distance to let their lips touch softly, brush past each other and Ianto closed his eyes as he let him tilt his head and kiss him a little deeper, a bit longer, touch his face gently and part his lips with his tongue before he pulled back and looked at the floor.
‘Not here. I can’t.’
Jack sighed and nodded understandingly, ‘okay. I’m sorry. Are you ready to leave?’ Ianto looked around, the room had always been damp, had made Lisa’s electrical set up difficult, there was still stains on the floor and it looked oddly huge in here without her, he didn’t need to be here any longer he thought, Jack whispering to him softly still, ‘do you want to stay for a while longer? Ianto?’
‘Mm. No.’
Jack watched as he rubbed the heel of his hands into his eyes and looked up blearily, ‘come on, you can go to my room if you want. You must be tired.’ Ianto made a noise that sounded like agreement and Jack looked at him curiously, ‘have you been sleeping? Ianto?’ Ianto glanced away guiltily and Jack clenched his jaw, ‘when was the last time you slept?’
‘Don’t know.’ He sighed and hung his head low, staring at the floor and Jack felt angry at the fact he hadn’t noticed. When they were together Ianto would nearly always sleep for a few hours, get up and return to bed in the early hours of the morning, sleep for another hour and get up. It was a pattern and the more stressed he got the fewer the hours became and the more nightmares he had. Jack had always been there with him and the next day it was like it had never happened. After a while Jack had checked up on him - his medical history and looked for indicators of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, still wasn’t totally convinced he didn’t have it.
‘Okay. Come on, you can just rest for a while.’ He hauled himself up and helped Ianto to his feet, half directing him to his quarters and Ianto dragged his feet, stood uselessly at the door until Jack steered him to the bed and pushed him down softly.
‘I’m gonna make you a drink okay?’
Ianto nodded, staring at Jack’s Webley and seeing flashes in his mind of it pointed at his head, pointed at Lisa and he moved quickly across the room into Jack’s bathroom, curled over the toilet and wretched noisily, throwing up twice. He stayed bent over it for minute and caught his breath as Jack watched nervously and poured him a glass of water, handing it over and letting Ianto drink it slowly.
‘You should sleep.’
Jack gestured to the bed and Ianto sat back against the wall, looked up at him and shook his head, ‘we both know I won’t.’
‘I can give you something?’
……….
Jack made his way back into the Hub and stood over Gwen at her station. She turned to look at him.
‘How is he?’
‘I sedated him.’
‘What?!’ Gwen’s eyes widened and Jack stared at her.
‘I sedated him. He hasn’t slept more than a few hours every night for God knows how many weeks Gwen, I sedated him.’
Jack knew it was the right thing to do, knew Ianto would be better when he slept and knew Gwen would bug him about this. She looked at him suspiciously.
‘Did he tell you that?’
‘He doesn’t need to I know, and he practically admitted it anyway.’ Gwen didn’t look convinced and he nodded defiantly, ‘it’s better this way.’
‘He said it was okay to sedate him?’
‘He didn’t want to,’ Jack admitted, sighing deeply and rubbing his hands over his face as he sat down next to her, ‘he’s already been on meds for ages that he hardly ever takes. I thought…I mean…he was sleeping better just before he left me anyway.’ He frowned and Gwen let him keep talking, ‘maybe it got worse then, which would be a month ago. Fuck. Anyway, he needs to sleep either way Gwen, he’s exhausted.’
She pouted thoughtfully and he swung on his chair as he waited for her to speak, ‘are you sure it isn’t just this anniversary? I mean, is it like this every year? I know last year you took him away…’
‘We were together then. And no,’ Jack replied. Last year he had taken him away, but not far. Just away from the Hub. He rolled his eyes as he berated himself for not doing something for him this year, having let their relationship issues take over his friendship with him. His role as his boss. Interoffice relationships with employees who have ex- dead girlfriends just didn’t work whichever way you swung it. ‘He just…didn’t cope well when he realised he forgot.’
‘He forgot?’
Jack nodded. ‘Mm.’
‘Oh God.’ Gwen looked away and rocked on her chair for a second, ‘will he be okay?’
‘I don’t know,’ Jack answered truthfully. Inhaling sharply and changing the subject. ‘How’s the rift?’
‘Erm, I have some police reports of something, seems minor, I could get Andy to help if you want to stay with him?’
‘Yeah. Thanks. Stay on comm. and come back when you’re done to check in.’
‘Of course, see you later.’
Jack watched her leave, went down to where Ianto was now sleeping a drug induced sleep and helped make him more comfortable, taking off his jacket and tie and unbuttoning the top of his shirt and his waist coat. He pulled off his shoes and moved the blanket round him, placing all the items of clothing with his coat and absently noting a noise from the inside pocket, he thrust his hand inside and bought out a small prescription bottle of sleeping medication. It was dated 2 weeks ago and full and Jack sighed. Clearly neither of them were sleeping well alone, he bent down and stroked Ianto’s hair, watching as he breathed in and shifted beneath the blanket sleepily. He crouched beside him and leant in closely, his hair brushing Ianto’s cheek as he kissed him quietly.
‘Ianto Jones,’ he sighed, whispering against him sadly, ‘what are you doing to us?’
PART 8