(no subject)
Life, in a word, sucks. We are completely and totally broke. I had to change my hours at work to work around Elizabeth's school schedule, but I'm not only getting about 5 or 6 hours a day. That is NOT paying the bills. I've exhausted every loan source possible to try to make ends meet. I've been looking for a 2nd part time job for evenings, but no one around where I live is hiring. I applied to an insurance company as a customer service rep last week and have yet to hear from them. I'm getting horrible migraines on a daily basis, my knee hurts so bad the majority of the time I can barely walk, and I hate my job right now because we're busy which means I have to be out in the warehouse on said bad knee on a daily basis.
I've been tossing the idea around of moving back in with my mom. I love my husband but he still (after 4 years) doesn't have his priorities straight. He's starting to get overtime at work, but instead of wanting to apply it to bills, he wants to put it toward the cd his band is releasing in a couple of months. Our electric is about to be turned off, I've had to take out loans from my boss and a cash advance place, and he's trying to put out a cd. Don't get me wrong, I love that he has a hobby he enjoys, but the band is never going to be big. They're never going to be signed and have a national tour. They play local bars once every couple of months. The only people who come ot their shows are our friends.
He's not very good with my daughter either. He has no patience with her and doesn't take the time to do much with her. A couple weeks ago I tried getting the three of us together to play a couple board games. It took time away from his video game playing and he acted like it was a huge chore. I've brought up several times that I'm looking for a 2nd job, that I'm tired of borrowing money from people, and all he says is "do what you have to do". Not "hey, let ME go look for a 2nd job. Let ME ask my parents for money." It's bullshit. We owe my mom a load of money and can't even afford to pay her back. Because of our issues handling money, she's going broke. I feel like shit about it. On nights where I may be at work later, or have something going on like a migraine or my arthritis is bothering me, you think he could cook dinner? No, his idea of taking care of dinner is getting something frozen from the store for me to pop in the oven or getting fast food.
I've talked and talked to him about it to no avail. We've only been married since May, but even then I was debating whether or not I was making the right choice. But Mom had bought my dress, the families were excited for us and I just couldn't NOT go through with it. Now, part of me seriously regrets my decision. Like I said, I love him, but I don't think he's the right mate for me.
Then there's the subject of children. As far as I'm concerned, my family is complete. I honestly don't want any more kids. The idea sounds nice at times. I would like to have a pregnancy I can enjoy without being told to get rid of it. I'd like to have happy feelings when I have a baby kicking inside of me...but that's about it. I don't want the 2am feedings. I don't want another person totally dependant on me for their every need. I don't want to have to share the love I have for my daughter with another child. It sounds selfish, I know. But Josh wants a son at some point, and I've mentioned to him light-heartedly that I'm not sure, but he just tells me to see how we feel when the time is right. It's not fair to him if I don't want one.
But, I can't afford the rent on this house by myself. There isn't any cheaper housing around us except for the ghetto apartments we moved out of. If I moved in with Mom, I wouldn't even be much help to her because she needs 200 dollars more a month than we pay here. I'm tired of living in debt and constantly hearing "we'll just pay what we can pay when we can pay it". A big, huge part of me seiously wishes I hadn't done it. We don't do anything together. He isn't very romantic. I feel like I am taking care of 2 kids a lot of the time. I mention that I want to cancel my game subscription that we play together, and he tells me not to because it's the one thing he enjoys us doing together.
Sometimes, I just want to not come home to this place after work. Sometimes, I think about picking up my daughter after school and just going to Mom's and not coming home. Calling him and telling him it's over, to find a place to go. I know it will hurt him, but in the end, drawing this out when it's so obviously not working, and I'm not happy, and my daughter isn't happy, who am I hurting more by continuing this?
I've been tossing the idea around of moving back in with my mom. I love my husband but he still (after 4 years) doesn't have his priorities straight. He's starting to get overtime at work, but instead of wanting to apply it to bills, he wants to put it toward the cd his band is releasing in a couple of months. Our electric is about to be turned off, I've had to take out loans from my boss and a cash advance place, and he's trying to put out a cd. Don't get me wrong, I love that he has a hobby he enjoys, but the band is never going to be big. They're never going to be signed and have a national tour. They play local bars once every couple of months. The only people who come ot their shows are our friends.
He's not very good with my daughter either. He has no patience with her and doesn't take the time to do much with her. A couple weeks ago I tried getting the three of us together to play a couple board games. It took time away from his video game playing and he acted like it was a huge chore. I've brought up several times that I'm looking for a 2nd job, that I'm tired of borrowing money from people, and all he says is "do what you have to do". Not "hey, let ME go look for a 2nd job. Let ME ask my parents for money." It's bullshit. We owe my mom a load of money and can't even afford to pay her back. Because of our issues handling money, she's going broke. I feel like shit about it. On nights where I may be at work later, or have something going on like a migraine or my arthritis is bothering me, you think he could cook dinner? No, his idea of taking care of dinner is getting something frozen from the store for me to pop in the oven or getting fast food.
I've talked and talked to him about it to no avail. We've only been married since May, but even then I was debating whether or not I was making the right choice. But Mom had bought my dress, the families were excited for us and I just couldn't NOT go through with it. Now, part of me seriously regrets my decision. Like I said, I love him, but I don't think he's the right mate for me.
Then there's the subject of children. As far as I'm concerned, my family is complete. I honestly don't want any more kids. The idea sounds nice at times. I would like to have a pregnancy I can enjoy without being told to get rid of it. I'd like to have happy feelings when I have a baby kicking inside of me...but that's about it. I don't want the 2am feedings. I don't want another person totally dependant on me for their every need. I don't want to have to share the love I have for my daughter with another child. It sounds selfish, I know. But Josh wants a son at some point, and I've mentioned to him light-heartedly that I'm not sure, but he just tells me to see how we feel when the time is right. It's not fair to him if I don't want one.
But, I can't afford the rent on this house by myself. There isn't any cheaper housing around us except for the ghetto apartments we moved out of. If I moved in with Mom, I wouldn't even be much help to her because she needs 200 dollars more a month than we pay here. I'm tired of living in debt and constantly hearing "we'll just pay what we can pay when we can pay it". A big, huge part of me seiously wishes I hadn't done it. We don't do anything together. He isn't very romantic. I feel like I am taking care of 2 kids a lot of the time. I mention that I want to cancel my game subscription that we play together, and he tells me not to because it's the one thing he enjoys us doing together.
Sometimes, I just want to not come home to this place after work. Sometimes, I think about picking up my daughter after school and just going to Mom's and not coming home. Calling him and telling him it's over, to find a place to go. I know it will hurt him, but in the end, drawing this out when it's so obviously not working, and I'm not happy, and my daughter isn't happy, who am I hurting more by continuing this?