I know your secret and you should know mine too -part 2/2-
You can read part 1 here.
“We are exhausted, we are jaded and there’s absolutely no way we could turn back the time. Once two hearts felt bewildered, there is not going to be any hope left. If you can’t even love wholeheartedly, then that will truly be too unfortunate.
My dear Jin, do you know why? Maybe you don’t understand this too. Why are the two people in love actually waiting for each other to speak out the reason for breaking up? To allow the other party to feel better? Or to actually torture the other party? If splitting up is the only solution, then don’t worry. Let me be the one to say it out first.
If I couldn’t hold onto your hand during the most crucial point in our relationship, what more other excuses could I fabricate to let our love returns?
Jin, tell me why. Why is your gentleness more painful than a hateful goodbye?”
Slowly, a heavy teardrop rolled down Jin’s cheek. He inhaled noisily and cast his glance onto the sleeping form. Jin’s left hand was now holding onto the sleeping man’s left hand which was wrapping around Jin’s waist.
“Kazu, I’m sorry for letting your tears slipped out from your beautiful eyes. I promised before that I wouldn’t make you cry yet I did. I promised not to leave you, but I still did. I’m sorry for making you nursing the grievance alone. I’m really sorry. But trust me, Kazu, whatever I have promised you before, I have not yet forgotten about them. Now that we’re back together again, I will make it up to you one by one.” Jin made this promise silently to himself. He knew he has to make everything go back on track, though it’s not like things weren’t well enough now.
But since he had accidentally come across this ‘secret’ of Kazuya’s, he felt that there’s a need to apologize. But by apologizing to Kazuya when he’s in a slumber state was not correct, so Jin noted to himself mentally that he needed to do it properly again when Kazuya wakes up. He picked up the letter and continued his reading.
“Jin… Or should I call you ‘Akanishi’ since we’re no longer boyfriends. Haha… why did I feel so bitter? Sorry about it. I think I will still stick with ‘Jin’, I like calling you ‘Jin’.”
So now, this part was written when they had finally decided to break up after quarrelling nonstop over these recent bitter issues.
“These few days without you by my side, regardless is it physically or mentally, I feel very dejected. It’s like… my life is sucked out from me. I feel so lifeless… Am I wrong in breaking up with you? I thought I could handle everything well, I thought I was managing well…
… So why did I feel defeated all of a sudden overnight?
Being in a difficult position, staying silent…
Staring into an empty space with glistening teardrops…
My heart is breaking apart, Jin. Can you see that?
Yet, I couldn’t tell our friends what had exactly happened; I couldn’t tell them what you have said, for I don’t want them to think that you are bad. I know clearly that love is not dependable but I still dive into it. I know clearly that it’ll probably only be a love prison if I proceed any further but I still chose to believe that it’s just an ordeal for me.
All our friends advised me not to ever take my own happiness too lightly. However, living is already so exhausting; I just want to pretend and escape the truth.
If I am going to see you again, I told myself I must be strong, even if I’m supposed to put up a phony front, because I don’t want to make you worried. Will you even feel worried for me? Nevertheless, yes, I’m going to do this. Yosh!”
“Why do you want to do that, Kazuya?” Jin’s voice was trembling slightly. “You fool! No matter what, I will definitely be worried! Please do not pretend and escape the truth. Let’s face it together…” Jin whispered while almost crumbling the papers in his hands.
“Losing myself in this love that has hit me at lightning speed although getting seriously wounded in the end… it’s just like what I have imagined. The more I know about love, the more fearful I become.
The day you decided to leave KAT-TUN, to leave me, I swore that I would never love anyone again. I had enough of all these shitty nonsense.
… But then, why?
My self-restraint isn’t working. My heartstrings are getting tugged again… by the same person. And that’s you.”
Somehow, Jin’s heart started to feel warmth spreading through and he felt touched by Kazuya’s words. At least that has proven that regardless of what had happened to the both of them; Jin is always on Kazuya’s mind and vice versa. “That’s because our bond is too deep to cut off simply just like this, Kazu. We love each other too much for this to happen.” Jin mumbled nostalgically.
“Having to love someone too sincerely will cause me to sacrifice too easily. It’s as though I am allowing myself to perish in love easily too. Risking everything too easily… and getting covered in wounds. I clearly understand that you may be the wrong person, clearly understanding that we may not be meant to be, I’m such a fool. A stupid fool.
Jin, I’m really such a fool in love, right? Go ahead and laugh at me, I don’t mind. Because I find myself to be such a stupid idiot too.
~*~
I don’t know how many days it have been since we had separated but… Jin, how are you doing today? Have you memorize your new songs lyrics? Did you practice your dance steps? Did you eat well there? What are you doing now?
Jin, I’m still trying hard. I’m still trying to put myself in your shoes and think for you. I think… I’m almost there but there’s just something… a void perhaps that is blocking me from getting out into the light. So give me some more time, alright? I know it’s hard for you to keep on waiting for me as well. You may not show it, but I knew it. I’m sorry, Jin. I still love you too, so I will work double hard to overcome that void and come to you.
But I won’t say things like ‘please wait for me’ because I don’t want to be a burden to you and I don’t want to stop you from finding your true happiness if let’s say… your true happiness really doesn’t lie with me.
Ne… If… let’s say you’ve finally decided to move on one day, you met a new person whom you love, go ahead. I’m alright with it too. Afterall, we did not promise each other anything when we broke up peacefully at that time. If that really happens, it’s Fate. Agree with me?”
“Baka! How can I move on when my life has stopped? When you’re not with me, I’m not able to move anymore! Can’t you see that? My heart has stopped beating too!” Jin scolded while giving a small whack onto Kazuya’s head. He did not care if the younger one would wake up now and countered him for whacking him out of nowhere. But Kazuya still remained too deep in his slumber.
“But Jin… can I be truthful for this once? I wanted to be true to myself, to be true to you for this once. So please listen to me, okay?
Even if the memories of our past were too fragile, even if I’m not going to be included in your future, ever if I try very hard to push all my memories into the drawer and lock them there, I still wanted to give it all I’ve got. I wanted to believe that there is still a slight possibility between us. Loving you is still going to be my persistence.
I only know that all these acts I’ve done, built up to love. And I will keep repeating this lifestyle because I’m addicted to love. Remember? You’re my drug. I’m addicted to you.”
At this point of time, Jin could no longer hold his tears. His tears burst out impatiently from his almond eyes, whimpering screams dashed out from his mouth unceremoniously. “K-kazu… I… I love you so much... I really do.” Jin whimpered in pathetic sobs.
“Jin, maybe I’m being really foolish in love. Maybe… nothing lasts forever. But I’m not willing, and I mean it, I’m NOT willing to give up this single bit of possibility. I’d rather be a stupid fool than to regret it for my whole life. You understand me, don’t you?
Because I know that you will always understand me, Jin… I know that you will understand that I have to let you go to pursue your own dream too, right? I set you free is not because I no longer loves you. I set you free is because you should pursue your dream, doing it the way you want. I have thought it through all this time and I wanted the best for you. It’s your dream afterall. Despite I’m the one you love and you wanted to stay by my side as you have promised, I have to be considerate and let you pursue your dream. It’s not fair if you are only sitting by the side, watching me pursuing my own dream. You should do it too. We should do it together.
I have to say “I’m sorry” though. I was stubborn and must have caused you unnecessary troubles, I’m sure.
Like an idiot, why didn’t I know any better? Like an idiot, why did I choose to let go of your warm hand? Like an idiot, my heart cries slowly, painfully when I realized… I have just stopped my only source of breathing. But… everything’s going to be fine. I know now… my love is only you, Jin.
I understand that there are a lot of obstacles we both have to overcome if we want to be together, first of all, not just Johnny-san but the whole world. We have to get over with how many other people out there would be judging us from now on. And yes, let’s not forget about Johnny-san. He must be frustrated like hell and I’m damn sure that he would start to pack our schedules like tunas crammed in a small can from now on to disallow us from meeting up unnecessarily or he may kick us out of JE.
But we can make it right? Though there’s something you can’t overcome alone, don’t lose to it. No matter what happens, I’ll be by your side. I’m 100% sure that we can go through it together.”
By this time, Jin was crying out loud without caring a damn that he would have woken up Kazuya. And well, Kazuya was really awoken up by Jin’s intense crying noise and trembling anyway. He half sat up on the bed, rubbed his sleepy eyes lazily and mumbled grumpily, “Jinnnn~ what are you doing, shaking the bed continuously?”
Kazuya didn’t get any response but only a louder wailing from Jin who didn’t even looked bothered to answer. Kazuya’s red alert immediately got triggered, his sleepiness mode rode away. He got up fast and got into a crouching position beside Jin, feeling very panicky out of a sudden. “W-what’s wrong, Jin? Are you feeling unwell?”
Jin slowly slides his blurry sight to Kazuya and sniffed hard. “You are the one who’s in the wrong!” Jin complained.
“Huh?” Kazuya got dumbfounded. What the hell did he do during his sleep? “What did I do?”
“YOU” Jin halfheartedly shoved the papers into Kazuya’s confused face and continued whining, “You wrote these things and made me cried in the middle of… what, 3a.m.! Aren’t you wrong!?” Jin whined exasperatedly.
Kazuya has got a big question mark face and he tilted his head to a side before looking at Jin with his big eyes innocently. “What did I write?”
Jin pouted and shoved the papers in Kazuya’s face one more time. “This.”
Kazuya’s eyes widened when he scrutinized the papers. “H-how… Where did you get these from, Jin!?” Kazuya shouted horrifically while flipping through the papers frantically.
“Under the lamp. I think you hid them there some time ago and you might have forgotten about it?” Jin answered truthfully but dubiously as he was convinced that Kazuya wouldn’t like the fact that his secret was disclosed.
And Jin was damn right. Kazuya glared accusingly at Jin for a second before he folded the papers again and threw it at Jin. “We don’t actually need this anymore. So… just throw it away.” Although his tone was kind of stern, Jin could sense a tad of embarrassment in it.
“Kazu, are you embarrassed?” Jin poked Kazuya’s cheek. Don’t feel like swatting the irritating finger away, Kazuya turned his face against Jin’s intruding finger and that made his cheek even chubbier. Jin had to grin at that while declaring, “You are really blushing. How cute!”
“S-shut up, Jin!”
“Come~ let’s read the last part together.” Jin pulled Kazuya nearer at his shoulder and made the younger man half-lying onto Jin’s side. “You haven’t finished reading it?”
“Nope. I was too touched to finish it just now.” Jin laughed. “Come on.”
“Dun wanna~ its embarrassing~” Kazuya whined cutely but followed Jin nevertheless.
“If we were to born in this world again someday, I’m sure we will meet each other again in the same way. And I will still love you again like this too. Don’t you agree with me, Jin?
Because without you, I cannot live on.
My lover, tell me… are you an angel or a devil?
P.S: After so long, I finally came back to complete this letter with a satisfying final result. I have forgotten who it was… the first one to break off this deafening silence was and apologized but… I’m really glad that we got back together now. Now that we’re back together, everything else doesn’t matter to me anymore. Only you, Jin, matters the most to me now. I will never let you go again and you better do the same.
P.S (again): That’s what you promised me.”
Jin finally smiled and burst into a hearty laughter after finishing the whole, long letter. Kazuya pouted and glared at his lover.
“What?” Kazuya grumbled discontentedly. “Too mushy for you?”
Jin shook his head before he attempted to reply seriously. “Kazu… listen well. I’m going to give you my answer now. I’m not an angel. But I can’t be a devil as well. I’m just… Jin. Your Jin. The things that I am giving you now, my body, my soul, my heart, my love, my everything, they may no longer be what you wanted, hell, I don’t even know what can I give you. But Kazuya, I’m really glad that you still wish to stay by my side forever, supporting me and be with me. Just this from you and I’m satisfied. I don’t care what my future holds for me, as long as Kazuya, you are included in my future, I’m contented. We can see our future together, we can lead our future together, and that’s what I want in my life.”
Kazuya got slightly teary-eyed and he hugged Jin tightly.
“Don’t you think the same, Kazuya?”
Kazuya nodded his head meekly and planted a chaste, slanted kiss on Jin’s jaw line.
“Remember, Kazuya. Don’t ever pretend in front of me because I wanted to see the real you, the real Kamenashi Kazuya.” Jin stroked gently on Kazuya’s head. He planted a sweet kiss on Kazuya’s hair. “Everyone has many different sides. And which one shall be the real Kamenashi Kazuya?”
Kazuya brought up his head and cast an inquiring look at Jin. “Which one?” Kazuya asked inquisitively.
“Silly! The answer is, all of them! All of your different sides make up the whole YOU, Kazu.” Jin pinched on Kazuya’s nose naughtily and leaned down to kiss Kazuya on the lips, trying to devour it using love.
Kazuya chuckled joyfully and returned the kiss fervently. “Really?”
“Of course, my Kazu-hime.” They engaged into another round of passionate kisses for a few more minutes before they finally broke apart for air to fill their lungs.
“Happy birthday, Kazu.” Jin smiled lovingly and moved his fingers to tuck Kazuya’s fringe away.
“Oh shit. Is it already the 23rd?” Kazuya asked dumbly but Jin found him to be too adorable.
“Of course, when I first woke you up just now, it was already the 23rd but I kind off got off-track when I heard your voice and then you went back to sleep while I went to grab a glass of water and you know… I returned and then I saw the letter…” Jin rambled on and on and Kazuya thought that he has to stop him.
“Jin… since it’s my birthday today; can I make my first wish now?”
Jin nodded his head, agreeing with his lover. “Of course.”
“Jin, my first wish is, from now on, I want you to show me all your different sides too because I want to know the whole Jin I love.” Kazuya beamed like a small kid, sparks tingling in his shiny orbs.
“Are you sure you can handle all the different sides of Jin?” Jin smirked evilly.
Kazuya scrutinized his gaze at Jin and his smirk. It must mean something evil, judging from Jin’s stupid smirk. “I think… it will take some time but… I’m still willing to. I want to see ALL sides of you, love.”
“Jya… I will show you my first side tonight!” Upon finishing, Jin pounced onto Kazuya like a lion and immediately leaned down to attack Kazuya’s lips and smooth neck.
Oh well, they have got their whole lifetime to know and understand each and every side of each other, be it erm… their good or… horny sides~
A/N 2: The end. Haha. Did it end abruptly? ^^” In case there is any confusion caused, the words that were italicized means it’s from the letter. =) Alright, now that I’m done, I hope there are actually some kind souls who can drop me any comments for it? Afterall, I did plucked up my courage to start writing again and posted it up. Be kind, plwease? *puppy eyes* One comment for me and its equivalent to one good deed you have done! :D