I know your secret and you should know mine too -part 1/2-
Title: I know your secret and you should know mine too
Author: kame_kiyumi
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG-13, R
Genre: romance, angst, fluff (I hope I achieved that)
Summary: Jin discovered Kazuya’s well-kept secret on one special night and he got very agitated. Why? (What the hell is this summary? >.<”)
Dedicated to: This is a BELATED (very late, I know. >.<) Valentine’s Day present (maybe treat it as the White Valentine’s Day then. Heh!) to all readers and also, a birthday present for my dearest Kamenashi Kazuya-chan~ :D I miss and love him lots! Oh yes, I’m on time ne~ weehoo~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY! OTANJOUBI OMEDETOU~
A/N 1: It’s been a long time since I get down to writing as I have been feeling rather disappointed with the writing fandom lately (I’m still reading other authors’ fics, no big deal. ^^), more like my disappointment is directed towards some readers. I’m not pointing at anyone but everyone including myself too, always reminding myself never to NOT appreciate nor leave zero comments for ANY authors who spend a lot of time and effort on their works and share with us.
I wonder will my writing skills get rusty since it’s been a long time since I plotted any and write down. Haha. Well, if you think you are generous and is kind enough, do drop me a comment k? If not, well, I’m quite used to this kind of situation as well. *shrugs with disappointment* I just dun wanna leave my loyal readers and best friends/sisters alone~ =P Buzzz~ I’m back! So hope that they will like this fic too~ So with that long, nagging author’s note, please proceed to the 2-parts fic~ Heh~ =)
Jin tossed and turned a few times on the bed, dry-coughing a couple of times before he sat up grumpily. He scratched his not-so-itchy head, messing up his tousled hair even more in the process and yawned widely. He felt a bit refreshed even if the clock on the side table was showing 1.30am. He turned to his left and saw his lover’s beautiful, curvy bare back, glowing brightly like a star in the darkness, facing him.
Jin’s lips curved upwards unconsciously as he hovered over and his hands went up to Kazuya’s silky hair, fingered a few smooth strands before brushing away a few obstructing strands covering his beautiful face. He stroked lightly on Kazuya’s head, soothing him into a deeper slumber. He grinned automatically when he reminisced about what happened four hours ago.
He and Kazuya finally had a night out together tonight, with no night schedule, no delayed work, no last-minute interviews or photo-shoots and most importantly, since Jin’s schedule are all based in Japan for now, meaning no traveling out of Japan at the moment. Awesome! And what could perfect it? Its Kazuya’s birthday the next day, okay, Jin meant in another couple of hours, so it’s all the more better!
So after everything had ended, they met up and came home from the Jimusho together using the younger one’s car, dropping by the nearest huge supermarket near their apartment to shop for groceries and proceeded to have a nice bath together before getting down to cooking and eating a sumptuous dinner. But that’s not the end. A perfect night is not considered as perfect when there’s no amazing sex with Kazuya. So they ensued to the bedroom as soon as Kazuya had finished washing the dirty dishes, more like Jin’s dragging him forcefully into the bedroom, leaving Kazuya feeling amused at how anxious Jin was. It was a long night, so what’s the hurry? But knowing Jin, Kazuya couldn’t complain further.
So there they were, making love like two horny bunnies, doing it again and again as if time has stopped especially for them. Now, life’s finally is perfect and complete. So that’s why you could see how Jin was sitting on their bed, grinning idiotically at nothing in the dim darkness but…
Wait. Something’s not right. He turned and stared at the clock again. It showed 1.40am.
1.40am.
1.40am.
1.40am.
SHIT! It’s over 12 o’clock, which meant Kazuya’s birthday is today, right now! He sprung up in his position and crossed his arms defiantly across his chest when he realized it. He huffed out angrily at himself and pouted like a small kid being deprived of his favorite candies. Its way over 12am, meaning Jin had actually missed the right time to wish his love ‘happy birthday’ and seal it with a deep sugar kiss.
The more he thought about it, the sulkier he got. He cast his gaze at the said birthday boy lying beside him. Kazuya was still sleeping. He couldn’t possibly just wake him up and wish him. He was sure that either he would get killed by Kazuya or he might be deprived from sex-with-Kazu for a month! The pout on his lips widened.
Just at the same time, Kazuya turned in his sleeping posture and cuddled up to Jin. He took this as a golden opportunity and leaned down onto Kazuya’s side to purr lightly into the sleeping form’s ear.
“Kazuuu~”
No response.
“Kazuuu, wake up.” Jin tried again. But all he got was some incoherent rumbling of words. Jin was known for being stubborn so he tried once more with some shaking on the form.
“Kazuuu, wake up now.” This time, Kazuya replied by giving him a lazy swat of his hand.
“Kazuuuuuuuya!” Jin whined louder.
“HMMMM...” Kazuya got irritated and hummed loudly to let Jin know that he has woken up but still, too lethargic to open his sleepy eyes. He hated it the most when he was denied of sleep.
“Kazuya~~” Jin whined at the top of his voice.
Kazuya released an annoyed groan and pulled himself to sit up beside Jin exasperatedly. “What?” He mumbled crossly in a hoarse voice.
Jin immediately got concerned and inquired worriedly, “Kazu, are you feeling thirsty? Do you want a glass of water?” Kazuya shot his livid glare at Jin. “You know, you were screaming so much just now that your voice is kind of hoarse now and-”
“Jin.” Kazuya interrupted curtly. Jin paused instantaneously and blinked his big, almond eyes at Kazuya.
“Jin, I’m fine. I don’t need any water. I just want to sleep. I’m feeling very exhausted now.” Kazuya explained calmly.
“But your voice…” Jin trailed off softly when he saw Kazuya’s raised eyebrows.
“My voice is alright. It’s just strained. It will get better by next morning.” Kazuya patted on Jin’s hand a couple of times, trying to assure his concerned lover. “Let me sleep now, alright? If you are feeling thirsty, then go and get the water from the kitchen yourself, I’m really too tired to do that for you now.”
“Hn.” Jin nodded his head obediently as if in a trance and helped to tuck his lover under the warm blankets. “Good night.” Jin mumbled quietly after Kazuya laid his head on the pillow. Again, too distracted with the hoarse voice and water, he totally forgot to wish his love ‘happy birthday’. Jin sighed heavily. He could only do that the next morning then.
After Jin felt Kazuya’s breathing became even again almost instantly, indicating that the latter has fallen asleep again, he crawled out of the bed soundlessly and tiptoed into the kitchen, mumbling words like “I really wore him out…” and “I will get it myself” along the way, still, the ‘happy birthday’ bubble was lingering somewhere in the air inside the room.
After a while, he came back into the bedroom with a glass of half-filled water. He searched blindly for the switch of the night lamp on the side table and flicked it on. He dimmed it almost immediately so that it wouldn’t be too bright to make Kazuya woke up. He’s a tad too revitalized to sleep now so he set the glass down and grabbed his phone before settling down onto the bed, into and under the blanket as well. He tapped on the screen a few times here and there to make sure that he didn’t miss out any phone calls, mails or text messages. Just when he had replaced his phone back on the hard surface of the table and wanted to switch off the night lamp, he noticed a tiny part of a paper peeking out from under the lamp.
Curiosity took over his mind right away so he climbed up to sit up on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard, carefully lifting the lamp up and pulled that piece of paper out. He placed the lamp down onto the hard surface quietly and examined the paper he had extracted. He noticed it was a letter with many, many words. Was it supposed to be a letter or a diary? But who would write diary posts on a few pieces of stranded papers instead of a pretty, organized book?
He glanced unsurely at Kazuya once and saw that the latter was still sleeping soundly, with no indication that he’s going to wake up anytime. So he settled down comfortably on the bed and opened up the letter to read silently. Jin knew it was wrong to read it without Kazuya’s permission but curiosity was killing him. Alright, he decided to read it and he would keep this from Kazuya lest he might get beaten up by the younger man. And if he’s really unfortunate enough, if Kazuya knew about it, then he would seek for his forgiveness later.
He roughly skimmed through the text from the top to the bottom. His eyes went wide with astonishment when he realized that it was a letter about Kazuya’s feeling and thoughts about his relationship with Jin, about them, penned down painstakingly by no one else but Kazuya himself. It seemed like the younger one had intended to keep this letter a secret, letting no one knows. Judging from the handwriting and pen ink being used, it seemed like this letter was written and completed at different times. Thus, it was difficult to tell when this letter was written exactly.
However, going by the last part of the letter, it seemed appropriate to state that it was during the time when they were in a confusing state of whether to get back together as lovers or continued their own lives separately when Jin’s solo career was established. So it was actually a couple of months ago.
“Dear Jin,
I don’t even know what I should write, I don’t even know why I am writing now but… I just felt the need to; I couldn’t tell it to you face to face. Jin, am I useless?
Do you still remember how did we meet for the first time? At that time… when I first met you, I didn’t know the exact feeling I’m having but one thing for sure is you made my heartbeat erratic, you made my heart pinned for you more and more. Like or dislike, it is not something that can be put down easily into words, ne? It’s a kind of feeling. An once-in-a-lifetime meeting during that time and we could read each other’s minds. It felt so amazing, so magical.
From that day onwards, I wanted to know what love is. I felt like I’m addicted to it. It got me thinking of how much I missed it. As I fell head over heels for you, I have this feeling of flying, soaring high up in the sky.
And when I knew that you shared the identical thought as me, Jin, you made my future… seemed so bright then.
Lately, there were a lot of rumours speculating around, rumours that I don’t like hearing them. It’s hurtful. And I don’t want to believe that they were true. Because I know, you are not like what outsiders said. You will not betray KAT-TUN, right? But Jin, today, I heard some distressing rumours from a few staffs who were chatting among themselves. They were saying it softly but I still heard them anyway. They were saying… ‘Someone from L.A. came to the Jimusho today. They were discussing about Akanishi’s career and sending him to L.A. for a couple of months. It seems like Akanishi Jin is really leaving his own group to pursue his solo career’.
Did this really happen? Is it really true that you’re leaving? Then what about KAT-TUN? What about me? What about… us?
Jin, I know that you’ve started singing solo due to BANDAGE but I didn’t know that it would escalate to this state. I thought LANDS would be just like Shuji to Akira, a temporary unit. If you really intend to go solo, what should I do? Tell me what should I do?
Why didn’t you talk to me about it anyway?
Jin, do you still remember who the one who vowed to love me eternally was? Who would have knew that those sweet words we told each other in the past became a deep, inflicting wound to us in future. It’s been too long, I guess. Nobody remembered the gentleness from before. We held our hands and promised to walk till the end.”
Jin noticed a few dried up spots on the paper around this paragraph so he guessed boldly that Kazuya must have cried when writing this down. His heart clenched slightly at that thought. “It must be really hurtful to you during that time, Kazu.” He whispered softly to himself.
At the same time, Kazuya who was still sleeping soundly, turned over and threw an arm over Jin’s waist, pressing his face onto the side of Jin’s body, snuggling in further as if he had heard Jin. Jin patted his head and stroked through the sleeping man’s silky hair gently. He picked up the paper again and continued to read.
“Sometimes, we forgot to treasure the important things around us and the harm would appear unintentionally. Sometimes, we rushed into love too fast. So maybe it’s good to have some breathing space. The more we argued the more pain it would cause. If the pain left a deep impression on us, we would feel guilty. We… have already forgotten the initial happiness we once felt.
I think we might have forgotten how long we have been walking on this rocky path. Deep in our hearts, we are very clear that one day, we will stop this, stop everything. Jin, I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore. I’m sure you won’t know what I’m thinking too. Recently, we are both too busy to meet up, not to mention we didn’t even manage to talk much to each other.
I miss you, Jin.
Let time speaks the truth although I’ll feel afraid too. I’m afraid to know the outcome. What if the outcome is not the one I wanted? Staring out into the dark night, I spaced out. When the sky starts to darken, we can no longer be sure whether will we have a future together or not, right?”
Jin could clearly see a slight change in the way the younger man’s handwriting was portrayed. Probably Kazuya wrote the next part at a different time.
“Jin…
Jin…
Jin…
How many more times can I call you as ‘Jin’ and not as ‘Akanishi’?
So this is it. KAT-TUN, from now on, is going to be a five members group. Never in my whole life would I have imagined this outcome when the six of us got together many years ago to form KAT-TUN. I still remembered. The group name was formed due to the initials of our names. But from now on, I’m not going to be just K, but KA. Why?
Jin, aren’t you supposed to be that A!? Why am I fucking taking over your place now too? Why are you so selfish? How can you be so heartless to betray us and leave KAT-TUN!? I always thought that we bear the same dream and we’re working hard to achieve that dream. The dream of going worldwide together.
But now… being solo is your dream, huh? How about us? We are no longer your dream? KAT-TUN is no longer your dream? How could you do this to me?
Why did you become like this? It’s like… I don’t know you anymore, Jin. To deceive, to be selfish, and to refute and your expression… Jin, did you notice it yourself? Your eyes are so cold and indifferent nowadays. Am I no longer your beloved? Why are you treating me so coldly too?
Jin, I felt so defeated. No one is there to save me now. In the past, when I run into problems, I can run to Akanishi Jin, Jin will be there to save me. But now, Jin is no longer there for me. He’s gone. Can you find him back for me?
Do you know how hard it is to pretend to everyone, lying to them that I support your leaving? It’s impossible, you should know that! Of all people out there, I’m the first one who hated the idea that you’re going to leave KAT-TUN, you’re going to leave me! But… I being Kamenashi Kazuya, still did it. Are you proud of me?
I could resist the pain of my bleeding heart but I couldn’t resist the pain of hatred.
It’s your heart that changed yet you are accusing me that it was my entire fault? It was not my fault that someone from L.A. had to come and watched your performance and then created the chance for you to leave KAT-TUN, and it’s definitely never going to be my fucking fault that, that mercenary Johnny-san would made such a killing decision! It was not my fucking fault. I felt so heartbroken, Jin. You are no longer the Jin I knew.”
Jin sniffed and breathed in hard. He was not one to cry easily, damn it! But while reading through what Kazuya had written, stubborn tears were trying to break in. He cast his teary glance at the younger one, lying beside him. “I didn’t know that I made you felt that way. I only thought of myself. You’re right, Kazu, I’m so selfish. I’m such a bastard eh?”
Jin’s left hand continued to pat softly at the sleeping man’s head like a lullaby, not wanting to wake him up. Kazuya as if sensing anything was amiss; he instinctively whimpered in his sleep and snuggled further. Jin threw his glance back to the paper and resumed his reading. He was determined to finish this letter tonight now that he knew Kazuya had kept such a ‘secret’ from him.
“Ne Jin, do you still remember when our love starts to develop changes? It seems like we’re no longer looking at the same sky. Yet we continued to struggle, walking on the same path together. But finally, we still came to a crossroad. Does this mean that you and I, we are going to have different dreams?”
Jin noticed that a different pen ink was used so he concluded that he’s going to read the following paragraphs that were from a different time again. Just how long did Kazuya keep this from him, from anyone?
“You know something, Jin? We got a piece of good news today. KAT-TUN is going worldwide! Finally, going worldwide. The biggest dream of ours since debut. We have always wanted to let more and more people to know KAT-TUN, right? Jin, this is always what we wanted. And after waiting for 5 years, we’re finally going worldwide, Jin. It’s fucking worldwide! But… where are you? You won’t be there with us. You are going worldwide on your own, while I’m going worldwide with the rest of KAT-TUN.”
Jin could feel the melancholy flowing from Kazuya’s words. It’s really ironic when the six of them once vowed that they would go worldwide one day and now, yes, it came true. Their wish came true. But, the only difference would be Jin was going worldwide alone while the rest of them were going worldwide using KAT-TUN’s name. That’s the ironic fact.
Part 2 is here~