Outlier, Chapter 10
Chapter 10
“Katie?”
The key stuck in the lock of the front door. Reid yanked without looking, his eyes scanning the apartment. “Katie?” His voice was the bastard child of a bark and a whisper. He needed her to answer. He prayed that she wouldn’t.
He cursed the day he’d ever discovered feelings.
Closing the door, he checked his phone. Perhaps a change of clothes before heading back to the hospital - the couch in his office would do for the night. No, he should call Katie; the need to find her was currently the sole force strong enough to take him from Luke - a feat accomplished only after having left redundant instructions with multiple nurses in hopes one could adequately follow orders. He checked his phone again - at the top of the list had been notifying him should Luke so much as roll over. He’d been sleeping on his side last Reid had seen - as he'd made a predictable detour past Luke’s room on his way out of the hospital. He’d been halfway inside, halfway to Luke’s bed before breaking free of the tractor beam generated by the curled, sleeping form with a sheet clutched under his chin.
Katie couldn’t wait. He wasn’t sure how easy it would be to find her - they’d managed to do an impressive job of avoiding each other lately. Or rather she had - he, of course, had to go out of his way not to be solitary. In the past few weeks their interactions had become fleeting and sporadic; he was realizing only now the extent of the change, of the cool front that had seemingly settled. He had little doubt it was his fault. He felt like even more of a heel.
Shit. Shit shit shit.
This was why he didn’t do relationships. Well, reason number nine hundred and twenty-six. Acknowledging his own feelings was tortuous enough - he was ill-qualified even to recognize those of another, let alone attempt to calculate reactions to his actions. Contrary to popular opinion, he knew he wasn’t God - that was, in fact, part of the problem. His job required godlike omnipotence. His patients expected it. And though he came close, operating at his level meant striking a mortal bargain: he was allowed only enough humanity to perform within hospital walls. Too much was erosive, fouling his foundation, whittling wooden pilings until he tumbled into the water. He should never have let the sea wall be breached - Katie, the kid, the other kid (Luke), they’d infiltrated his harbor and bored their way in, honeycombing his supports, weakening them to waves and wind. Until here he was, in the storm of the century, with everything he was, everything he was supposed to be threatening to wash away…
“Reid?”
And then there’s the collateral damage.
Katie quietly closed her bedroom door. “Hey. Just got Jacob to sleep.” She walked into the living room, toward where Reid stood, still, by the door.
He took a step back, the knob pressing into his side.
Katie frowned. “Are you OK?”
“What? Why?”
She stopped at the far end of sofa. “Um, because you look like you’ve just been through a war zone. Oh, Reid,” she took a step closer, “did you lose a patient?”
“Huh? No. No, nothing like that.” The concern on Katie’s face capsized one of his boats.
“Okaay, well, something happened. ’Cause if I thought you gave a hoot about puppies, I’d guess someone had just squashed yours with a truck. Did you get bad news?” She glanced down. “I…I know I haven’t been a very good friend lately, let alone…”
“Katie, for God’s…no, please…” Reid took halting steps toward her. “You’ve been…more than I…trust me, this has nothing to do with you. I just wish…” He tried again. “Listen. Katie. There’s something…we need to…” He swept a hand over his face. “Oh, Jes…I can’t…this is…” His body was stiffly crumbling. How am I supposed to do this? To her?
She stilled. “What is it?”
He wished this feeling of helplessness weren’t becoming so familiar.
“Is there someone else?”
Startled, he made the mistake of meeting her eyes before quickly correcting.
“Reid…is there another woman?” Her voice was as calm as the eye of a storm.
Would that make it better or worse? “Not exactly.” Reid braced, knowing he deserved whatever damage was about to be inflicted. Rather than retreating to higher ground, he stood at the end of the dock, ready to face the surge.
“But you’ve met someone, right? Someone you feel something for?”
“It’s not…I don’t…” He lifted lost eyes. “Yes.”
Closing the distance, Katie lifted her hands to hold both sides of his face. Reid tilted his head, looking down and away.
She spoke slowly. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”
His eyes snapped back to hers. “What?”
She hugged him. “Oh, Reid, I have been feeling so guilty. It’s like I could hardly bear to look at you. I felt like such an awful person, leading you on like that-”
“What? What are you…I thought…”
She pulled back, rubbing his arms. Smiling. “But now we can be friends! Because as much as I love you - and I do, so you’d better just learn to smother that cringe every time I say it - as much as I love you and want to ravish the heck out of you…I just don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to be in love with someone again. ’Cause I’m telling you, if it hasn’t happened yet, and with you…” Her smile turned briefly pensive before brightening again. “But now you’ve found someone, so I can stop feeling like I’m holding you back…and as you know I have a proven track record when it comes to being best friends with my exes. Oh, Reid…” She swept in for another hug.
Reid’s mouth finally closed. He had to cycle through a few blinks before being able to generate words again, however. “You’ve been feeling guilty?”
She pulled back, rubbing a hand over her chest. “You have no idea. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how things have been a bit, um, tense around here lately?”
“I…well, I…sort of? I haven’t exactly…been myself these days. I figured whatever was going on was my fault.”
“Oh, honey…I was sure you must’ve been starting to hate me. That you were ruing the day you’d ever agreed to move in here under false pretenses.”
The tense lines of Reid’s face finally relaxed. “Katie, I moved in because I liked you. Because I’d finally found someone I could stand to be around. And because you saved me from the microbial freak show that passes for hotel hygiene. There were no expectations. Only an unrealistic hope that I wouldn’t do something to make you kick me out before I was finally free to escape this hamlet of halfwits.”
She hugged him again. “Oh, Reid, I’ve missed you.”
A tide of scented softness rolled into him; he tried to find his footing, woodenly raising an open hand to tap against her back.
She released Reid only to grab his other hand; tugging it, she directed him to sit beside her on the sofa. She bounced slightly. “OK, tell me all about her. Who is she, where’d ya meet her, is tonight too soon to have her over for dinner?”
Reid’s eyes began to dart. “Yeah, it’s…it’s not that simple.”
“Oh?” She leaned in, dropping her voice. “Married?”
“No. But there is a…pre-existing relationship.”
“Boyfriend?”
Reid wondered why Katie had set the thermostat so high. “I’m not entirely…maybe.”
“Hey, if there’s no ring, baby…”
“It’s, uh, a little more complicated than that.”
“Why, is she a patient?”
Reid’s head tilted downward - somehow he’d managed to forget that particular obstacle. It gets better. “Yes.”
“Aha, so that’s how you met her. Forbidden love, I like it. Well, you know, she won’t be a patient forever, right?”
He shifted on the cushion. He’d thought the hard part was over. “I suppose not.” His fingers closed over the corner of a pillow. It slowly migrated onto his lap.
“So, are we talking chronic disease? Elective surgery? What’s the time frame here?”
“That’s not…it’s…”
“Come on, Reid, you can trust me.” Her voice dropped into a broad whisper. “Promise I won’t tell Bob.”
Both arms were now crossed over the pillow. With minute movements, Reid began to rock.
Katie leaned back. “Oh my g…you’ve really fallen for this woman.”
“What? Why do you…what?”
She raised her eyebrows. “I have never seen you like this. So…thrown. She really must be something else.”
The green apples in the bowl on the kitchen table were slowly being cooked into applesauce under the intensity of Reid’s unseeing stare.
A broad, mischievous smile bloomed. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Yeah, that’s not gonna…” But it would happen, right? Eventually? If this happened, whatever this was… It would come out. Everyone will know. Unless I asked Luke to-
Reid knew he couldn’t do that to him. Luke had been through enough - though Reid couldn’t be certain, the timeline of Luke’s medical history implied that the coming-out process hadn’t been a smooth one. No matter how terrifying or potentially embarrassing Reid’s personal renovation was becoming, he could never ask Luke to deny any aspect of his life. Assuming Reid even had the chance to be…
The heat in this apartment can’t be good for Jacob.
She touched his hand. “Reid, I know this must be scary for you…”
He looked up sharply.
“I know you don’t see yourself as a relationship person,” she continued. “And my guess is the strength of your feelings is what’s got you so unnerved. But this is a good thing. Feelings good. Trust me, you don’t want to let these kinds of opportunities slip away just because you’re afraid to change your life, to change the way you’ve always done things. You’ve already come so far…don’t be afraid you’re going to lose yourself. And listen, you honestly don’t have to worry about hurting me. As attached as you are to your unfeeling-ass persona, I know that must’ve been weighing on you.”
Yeah, once I finally remembered you for the first time twenty minutes ago. Reid’s guilt pressed him into the cushions.
“And like I said before, I’ve already done most of the heavy lifting, so this chick might actually stand a chance.
“It’s not a….” Reid imagined he could feel the sweat emerging from glandular ducts.
“Excuse me, this ‘woman.’ Whom I can’t wait to meet.” She pressed her palms together. “So, is she a fellow nerd? Did you bond over chess? Did your queens lock eyes across a crowded chessboard? Or, wait, was it more a case of opposites attracting? Is she a humble farm girl who lives close to the land and dreams of having your babies? Ooh, or is she a vegan missionary who’s trying to save both your stomach and your soul? No, I know, this woman’s a…”
“It’s not a woman.” The words tripped over each other as they tumbled out.
Both Katie and Reid froze.
“Okay. So…then…” She stopped her searching to gasp. “Oh no, Reid…don’t tell me…is she underage?”
“What?” He looked at her, horrified. “No, no. That’s not… No.”
“Wait, so, I don’t…” Her voice took on a teasing tone. “What, is it a guy?”
He dropped his head.
“Ha ha.” The laughter stopped. “Reid?” The smile winked out. “Reid, come on. Seriously.” She leaned in again. “OK, so how young exactly? Did she tell you she was older at first…?”
“Katie, no. I am not a pedophile.” His next words were barely audible. “Even though I might feel that way sometimes.”
“Reid, you’re kinda scaring me right now.”
“It’s…it’s just…”
“Reid. You know you can tell me anything. Think of this apartment as a judgment-free zone. I accept you as you are. Obviously. I mean, if I’ve managed to put up with the disrespecting of my friends and the subhuman eating habits and the diversity of messes I’ve had to clean up, then I think I can handle an…unconventional relationship. Just…please tell me she’s over 17. Or at least that you can hold out until her birthday. It’d kill me if the only way Jacob got to hear you sing Justin Timberlake was during visiting hours. And you’d also better tell me she’s worth it-”
“He is.”
Reid shut his eyes. It was out. She’d get it now. Done.
The old him was done.
He waited for the reaction. He’d been inside his head for so long, had been able to rely only on parallel processors within his own mind. Now it was in the hands of an other, an arbiter. There was nothing to do but wait. He didn’t move. His stillness, in fact, was so complete as to defy the tenets of string theory. Not even fundamental particles were vibrating.
He cracked a lid.
Katie’s eyes had grown so large they were well on their way to annexing the rest of her face. She opened her mouth, ready to deliver the verdict. “You’re in love with a man!”
Reid snapped out of his stillness. “What? (What?) Who said anything about love?”
Now her eyes threatened to engulf her entire body. “It’s true! Holy shit. Reid.” Scooting forward, she took his limp hands. “Reid.”
He stared at their hands, adrift.
She lifted them to her chin. Her voice held wonder. “I did not think it was possible for you to get any more attractive.”
Reid was starting to get whiplash from all the double takes. He peered at her, confounded.
After a dozen seconds of near-reverent regard, she lowered their hands. “OK, so now you really have to tell me. Do I know him?” Another gasp. “Is it Noah?”
Reid jerked his hands away. “What?”
“Well, you said he was a patient…and, huh, I suppose that would explain some of the animosity between you and Luke…”
Reid felt the sweat crystallize on his skin. Icicles hung from his words. “A little credit, please.”
“What? He’s a good-looking guy. All right, all right, you don’t have to look so appalled. So, who is it?”
Reid stood and walked toward the fridge. “No.”
Katie pivoted, slapping the cushion on either side. “Aww, Reid, come on…it’s not like you can keep it a secret forever.”
“Try me.”
She followed him into the kitchen, ducking out of his way as he robotically assembled the necessities of sandwich-making. “I don’t see why you’re being so cagey about this. It’s not like this is the first guy you’re interested in.”
He paused in the act of untwisting the package of bread.
“I mean, you’re bi. Right? Obviously. ’Cause I know you’re not gay - not when you kissed me like that. Not when I could tell you liked it, ifyaknowhatI’msayin’.”
He extracted two slices, keeping his back to her.
“Reid?”
He put the slices on a plate. Again, he dropped his head. No-judgment zone. “I’m not…entirely bi.”
“Huh?”
He opened the mayo.
“Um, you’re attracted to women, moi, and you’re attracted to men. Pretty sure that the diagnosis is bisexuality.”
He tried not to look at the mayo as he spread it. “A man. One. And I’m not…attracted to him so much as…drawn.”
She walked around the table to face him. “Hold up, buddy. Wait. Stop.” She took the knife out of his hand, the bread. Laid them on the table. “What exactly are you saying here? Is this…are you telling me that you’ve never had feelings for a man before?”
This time, Reid didn’t drop his gaze. Rather, he imagined he could feel fissures forming in the load he bore, could feel irregular chunks of it slipping off into the sea. “Yes.”
“Yes, you’ve never had feelings for a man?”
Reid nodded.
“This is the first man. Ever.”
Again, he nodded.
She covered her mouth with a hand. “Oh, Reid.”
For a moment, Reid let the befuddlement show, the vulnerability. Katie encircled his wrist, sweeping her thumb over the skin just above it.
“Sit.” She pulled out chairs for both of them. “First of all - what did I do to you? I had no idea my heavy lifting would cause this kind of structural change.” She successfully coaxed a smile. “Second - does he like men?”
“Yes.”
“Does he like you?”
Sweat started to flow again. “I don’t know. There’s a chance…” He began to fidget with the deli wrapper of one of the luncheon meats. “He hallucinated about me. He kissed my hand. It was probably just the post-seizure state, though. It didn’t…I’m sure it didn’t mean anything.” The hot air was turning humid.
“Does he know how you feel?”
Reid shook his head no.
“Well, then, there’s only one thing to do. Ask him out.”
Reid recoiled in his chair, retracting both hands toward his stomach. “You’re joking.”
She smiled. “It’s what you usually do when you like someone. And it’s the easiest way to find out how he feels about you.”
“But, I…I can’t…we couldn’t…he’s my patient.”
“Which is why you wait until he isn’t. Then you ask him out.”
“To do what?”
“Um, I dunno, go to dinner? What do you normally do on your girl dates?”
“Yeah...there isn’t generally a lot of ‘dating’ involved.”
“Well isn’t that lovely…fine, then it can be firsts all around. You’ll ask him to dinner.”
“What? I can’t…what if he says no?” What if he says yes?
“Then you’ll have your answer. It’ll suck, but at least you’ll know. And then you can start trying to change his mind.” The mischievous smile was back.
Reid’s brain wasn’t firing at full speed. Could it really be that easy? “But…why do I have to-”
“Uh, because he thinks you’re straight, right?” Reid nodded. “So…I might not be quite up to speed on male-male dating etiquette, but I’m thinking that means he’s not gonna make the first move. Ooh, maybe you could try sending him signals.”
“What, like…flirt?” The shudder was ephemeral but distinct.
“You know…more like holding eye contact a little too long. Or…a little extra touching. A lingering hand shake. You could compliment his hair - that’s probably not a straight-guy thing to do. Maybe his shoes?”
“You want me to say nice things about his shoes.”
“Well, I don’t know, Reid…just do what comes natural. Uh, or maybe not. Biting his head off would probably be counterproductive. Unless…” The glint in her eyes intensified.
“Katie!”
“What? You’re the one who told me you were drawn to him. So, just…let yourself be drawn a little closer. Feel him out…so to speak.”
They really had to do something about the faulty heater.
Katie rested her chin on her hands. The gleam in her eyes was strong enough to guide ships at sea. “Now, who is he?”
“Katie…I’m not-”
“Reid, I can’t fully help you if I don’t know who he is. And anyway, people need to be able to start making pilgrimages to this man with the miraculous powers.”
Reid rose from the table, stacking jars and paper packages in his arms. “I knew this was a-”
Katie rose as well. “OK, hey, I’m sorry…I promise at least to try to stop enjoying myself so much. This is…I can’t even imagine what you must’ve been going through all this time.” She grabbed a toppling loaf as Reid opened the refrigerator door. “Seriously, Reid - you’re not alone in this any more.”
He paused long enough to acknowledge Katie’s earnest expression.
“Wait, why are you putting all this away? You haven’t eaten yet.”
“I need to get back to the hospital.”
“What? You just got home.”
“Yeah, but that was only to…” The cool from the open door washed over clammy skin.
“To…let me down easy?” She rubbed a palm down the side of his back. “And now you’re going back to him. You’re a good man, Reid. He’s lucky to have you.”
Reid swallowed, wordlessly returning the rest of the food. He had yet to find his way back. Still lost at sea.
His restocking was cut short by the sound of music.
Katie raised a brow. “Is that a violin in your pants, or are you happy to see me after all?”
Stuffing the remaining items on a refrigerator shelf, he shut the door while reaching for his phone. Katie leaned closer.
Reid edged past her, walking toward his room as he answered. “Yes?” He stopped. His shoulders sloped. “What? Yes, you should absolutely give her that.” With a short sigh, Katie left in the direction of her own room. “And afterward, you can use one of your inappropriately large earrings to pop her when she inflates like a Thanksgiving-day float because, as it so clearly states in her records, she’s allergic to it. What, no, don't start...I mean, yes you would have killed her but...look, just give her...yes, fine. Oh, and,” his voice dropped. “Mr. Snyder, has he…? Right, well…yes, as soon as he wakes up.”
“Luke Snyder?”
Reid jumped as he spun. “Holy ninja.”
“You’re in love with Luke?”
“What? No…would you stop with the…no one’s saying anything about…that. There is no that involved here.”
“Oh, Reid, you have to be careful with him.”
“Excuse me? He’s not the one having the existential crisis.”
“Yeah, but Reid - his history…I mean, Noah was completely in the closet when they first met. And there have been other-”
“I am not in the closet.”
“Riiight. Do you or do you not have romantic feelings for a man?”
“Katie-”
She held up a hand.
Reid sighed. “I do.”
“And do you or do you not have sexual feelings for a man?”
“I do not.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Trust me.”
“But…that makes no sense.”
Reid shrugged as he opened a cabinet. “I have no interest in having sex with Luke Snyder. Or any other man. Definitely not any other man.” Withdrawing a box of children’s cereal, he unfolded the inner bag and reached in.
“That’s a sweeping statement. I thought you were new at this.”
“I’m also an empiricist. I did research.” He filled his mouth with colored sugar.
“You…do I even want to know?”
“You do not.”
“Okay…and don’t think I’m not coming back to that at some point…but if you don’t want to have sex with Luke, then what is all this about?”
Reid cleared his throat. “The precise details have yet to be determined.”
“Uh-huh. So what you’re saying is, you have romantic feelings but not sexual ones. So…no sex. Ever.”
Reid’s hand faltered as it descended into the box. “I suppose…it could depend on the kind. I’m not…there are…things he could do to me that I could conceivably get on board with.” He refilled his mouth; his crunches seemed to amplify the longer she was silent. He turned his back toward her, placing the box on the counter before reaching for a glass and turning on the faucet. “I know. I know this is ridiculous. I know it doesn’t make any fucking sense.” He leaned on his arms over the sink as the water ran, empty glass sideways in one hand. “I know this isn’t fair to him.”
“Actually, it might make perfect sense.”
Flicking off the water, he pivoted to face her.
“The two of you could be twin flames.”
“You realize that sounds vaguely homophobic.”
She smiled. “Twin flame souls. Destined to be together. It just so happens you’re both male in this lifetime.”
Once again, Reid was adrift. “If you say we’re soulmates-”
“It’s more intense than that, actually. We can have a bunch of soulmates but only one twin soul. You can spend lifetimes looking for each other - then a few more lifetimes working out your issues. In the final incarnation, it’s like you finally merge back into one consciousness. I don’t think you’d be quite there yet, though. I'd say you’re probably still a few go-rounds away from enlightenment. But this could definitely be one of the times when you’ve found each other.”
Reid tilted backward. “I’m definitely finding myself wondering how you kept your crazy so quiet all these months.”
“You know, Reid, not everything can be explained empirically.”
“Nice try, but my religion is too rational to be baited into debating make-believe with yours.”
“I’m not saying I necessarily believe all of this, but I once had a guest on ‘Oakdale Now’ and…well, it was during a rough romantic time - shocker, I know. I was having trouble deciding who I was meant to be with, and what she said…it resonated. It helped me figure some stuff out.”
“Yes, fairy tales can be very comforting.”
“Not asking you to believe any of this; I’m just saying there’s a way to look at it so it makes sense. Even the part about your connection being more spiritual than physical - that’s how it starts. I mean, you said you were drawn to him, right? Like you felt a pull and couldn’t figure out why?” She took his lack of snark as an affirmative. “When did it happen? How soon after meeting him?”
He adjusted his weight, his back pressing against the sink.
“It was right away, wasn’t it? Something tugged at you. Something flared.” She smiled at his growing discomfort. “You couldn’t stop thinking about him, could you? And when you’re around him - it’s like you feel better, more complete…like you’re at peace.”
Reid’s current state was anything but peaceful.
Katie nodded. “Yup, twin souls. You have no idea how much I envy you.”
“Oh yeah, you want to be me right now.”
“Of course, from what I've read it’s rare that twin souls are the same sex, but possible - could be that, based on whatever karmic stuff you had to deal with in this lifetime, one of you decided to be male.”
“Fantastic. Well, this relationship certainly would’ve been a whole lot easier if Luke had just stuck to being female.”
Her grin sharpened. “What makes you think he was supposed to be the woman? And are you sure it would have made things easier? Seems to me it’s the whole idea of relationships that you’re meant to be struggling with. I’d say the same-sex thing is probably only secondary.” Her eyes sharpened as well. “Wait a minute, you’re the one who brought up relationships - does this mean you’d actually be open to having one with Luke? A real one?”
He looked down at his hands. He swept a thumb over the back of one, grazing a phantom tingle. “I…I need to have him in my life.”
She stepped toward him and took his hands. “Well, the good news is, if any of this is true, then odds are he’s feeling exactly the same way.” Reid lifted his head. “So the sooner you ask him out the better. You think you’re confused - poor thing’s probably agonizing over having feelings for a straight guy. And why they’re even stronger than what he felt for Noah.”
Reid snorted. “Thought Noah was the soulmate.”
“He probably was. But remember, there are plenty of soulmates. There’s only one twin soul.” She squeezed his hands, waiting out the eye roll until he reluctantly met her smile with an approximation of his own. “So you like ‘em young, huh?”
He pulled free. “Yeah, I’m not going to regret telling you.”
“I knew you hated him a little too vigorously. Guess there really is a fine line between-”
He stepped around her and moved into the living room. “Say goodbye to that word, Katie.”
“And you know you didn’t actually have a choice - you had to tell me. After all, I was the one you were cheating on with a man.”
“Hang on - I thought you said-”
“And this scorned woman’s gonna need a constant supply of lurid details to keep her from wreaking all kinds of vengeance.”
“Goodbye, Katie.”
“Oh my...wait, Reid…”
He turned back at her tone.
“What do you mean Luke is your patient? What happened?”
He hesitated, his hand on the front doorknob. “It was…he’s fine now. He should be. I can’t…call his parents. They’ll tell you.”
“Was it serious?”
Reid nodded, once, fresh pain flashing on his face.
“Oh…Reid.”
“I have to go.”
“I’m going with you.”
“No…he’s still sleeping. With any luck till morning.”
“Then, you should sleep, too. You must be absolutely drained. I’m sure the hospital will call-”
“I can sleep in my office.” He opened the door and took a step into the hall, his face turned away, the edges hollowed by shadow. “I need to be near him.” He glanced back.
She nodded. “Listen, Reid - thanks for coming. You’re a good friend. And this is a good thing. Trust me. Everything’s going to work out.”
“For you, too.”
She smiled, a mix of sad and sweet.
He blew her a kiss as he left.