Zen :)
Today was a day of many epiphanies - many of which I warmly welcome in my life, especially at a time like this.
Somehow or some way, the last of the 30-day meme which I posted yesterday was like some sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy - if I told myself it's the last I'll ever get emotionally affected over him, then it WILL be. Not even an ounce of doubt in there. I felt strong when I woke up this morning, like I was all ready to take on the (nasty) world, alone or not. For the first time in a really really long time, I felt like it was perfectly ALL RIGHT to be alone - because when you're alone, it doesn't mean you're lonely; it just means you have the confidence to rock and roll once again ;)
It's been almost a month since, and over the past 30 days, I've had times where I fell to the pits of depression, where I lost that self-confidence, where I became a bitter bitch, where I've sat and stared blankly into space, not sure what was really going through my mind. But I've also had times where the people around me made me laugh like everything was normal, where I missed the carefree days of being a swingin' single, where I was retarded and bimbotic like my usual self, where I went to bed with a smile on my face. There were also times I felt like punching him/rolling my eyes everytime I saw him - for reasons inexplicable - and because I couldn't do any of those, I imploded. And oh boy, implosion sucks! I would much rather prefer explosion anytime man ;) Okay but jokes aside, today I could sit down and have a meal with everyone else including him, and I was not just civil, but completely normal. I actually felt normal. I wasn't feeling awkward, nor angry, nor hurt - I just felt like myself once again. I could feel the permanent distance and irreparable damage done between us, but for once, it didn't hurt that much. I felt like I had accepted that as a fact of my (and his) life for the rest of our, well, lives. And I guess it's fine, isn't it? People come and people go - what's most important is the ones that actually stay.
And so honestly, I think I deserve a pat on my back okay! (I usually don't find much stuff to be proud of myself of hee.) I may be a bitch within and completely off-the-fly crazy at times, but one thing I pride myself on is having enough balls to face the things I'm not comfortable with head-on. Yeah I might take awhile, but at least I get it done, and OUT OF THE WAY most of the time.
I was looking through old photos just now, of times in 2009 before I got attached, and boy, I miss those carefree times?! I'm not saying I was shackled down and completely un-myself in the almost-year that I was attached - it's just there is a huge nuance of difference in the feeling between those periods. While I did love being attached and having someone special to 'go home to' and all, sometimes I love being irresponsible, crazy, wrong and being accountable to me, myself and I only.
Besides, I had another epiphany too while looking at all my attached friends' happy photos on FB - that this is just NOT the time for me to be like them. I've had my fair share and time of being blissfully in love and all (and that's fair I think!), and so now, it's just not my turn to enjoy that. Instead, I'm meant to enjoy my singlehood and the freedom that comes with it. The Big Guy has other plans for me, and it's just not my time to enjoy the joys of a relationship now. And I'm happy because I realized how I wasn't bitter about things anymore :))
Yay I love how this feels, for real. I know being happy comes from within, and while others can make you happIER, it's really up to you to decide if you want to be happy or not. And I am happy, single or not :) If this is what moving on feels like, while I don't think I have completely achieved it yet, I'm liking how this feels :)
If you read this, may you be happy too, with whatever you're doing and whatever's happening in your life!
xoxo,
TYL ♥
Somehow or some way, the last of the 30-day meme which I posted yesterday was like some sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy - if I told myself it's the last I'll ever get emotionally affected over him, then it WILL be. Not even an ounce of doubt in there. I felt strong when I woke up this morning, like I was all ready to take on the (nasty) world, alone or not. For the first time in a really really long time, I felt like it was perfectly ALL RIGHT to be alone - because when you're alone, it doesn't mean you're lonely; it just means you have the confidence to rock and roll once again ;)
It's been almost a month since, and over the past 30 days, I've had times where I fell to the pits of depression, where I lost that self-confidence, where I became a bitter bitch, where I've sat and stared blankly into space, not sure what was really going through my mind. But I've also had times where the people around me made me laugh like everything was normal, where I missed the carefree days of being a swingin' single, where I was retarded and bimbotic like my usual self, where I went to bed with a smile on my face. There were also times I felt like punching him/rolling my eyes everytime I saw him - for reasons inexplicable - and because I couldn't do any of those, I imploded. And oh boy, implosion sucks! I would much rather prefer explosion anytime man ;) Okay but jokes aside, today I could sit down and have a meal with everyone else including him, and I was not just civil, but completely normal. I actually felt normal. I wasn't feeling awkward, nor angry, nor hurt - I just felt like myself once again. I could feel the permanent distance and irreparable damage done between us, but for once, it didn't hurt that much. I felt like I had accepted that as a fact of my (and his) life for the rest of our, well, lives. And I guess it's fine, isn't it? People come and people go - what's most important is the ones that actually stay.
And so honestly, I think I deserve a pat on my back okay! (I usually don't find much stuff to be proud of myself of hee.) I may be a bitch within and completely off-the-fly crazy at times, but one thing I pride myself on is having enough balls to face the things I'm not comfortable with head-on. Yeah I might take awhile, but at least I get it done, and OUT OF THE WAY most of the time.
I was looking through old photos just now, of times in 2009 before I got attached, and boy, I miss those carefree times?! I'm not saying I was shackled down and completely un-myself in the almost-year that I was attached - it's just there is a huge nuance of difference in the feeling between those periods. While I did love being attached and having someone special to 'go home to' and all, sometimes I love being irresponsible, crazy, wrong and being accountable to me, myself and I only.
Besides, I had another epiphany too while looking at all my attached friends' happy photos on FB - that this is just NOT the time for me to be like them. I've had my fair share and time of being blissfully in love and all (and that's fair I think!), and so now, it's just not my turn to enjoy that. Instead, I'm meant to enjoy my singlehood and the freedom that comes with it. The Big Guy has other plans for me, and it's just not my time to enjoy the joys of a relationship now. And I'm happy because I realized how I wasn't bitter about things anymore :))
Yay I love how this feels, for real. I know being happy comes from within, and while others can make you happIER, it's really up to you to decide if you want to be happy or not. And I am happy, single or not :) If this is what moving on feels like, while I don't think I have completely achieved it yet, I'm liking how this feels :)
If you read this, may you be happy too, with whatever you're doing and whatever's happening in your life!
xoxo,
TYL ♥