Bye, 2016
I've had great years & I've been through some rough ones. And these are the years that come Dec 31, I would have something to say about it like "Fvck, yeah!" The tone would, of course, depend on what kind of time I had.
My 2016 was kind of different. It's not monumental but I wouldn't say it's bad either. I'd like to think of it as mellow. There were months in the year that are like exclamation points and these are because of the countries that we visited during our world cruise. Other than that, it's going to be unforgettable unlike the others. (Hello, 2009!) Let's blame it on self-preservation. Most of the year I kept to myself and boy was it a revelation.
For one, I didn't know that it's quite hard to be alone all the time. For someone who is comfortable being by myself, there was a time when I thought, why don't I have friends? To think that I was away from my family 8 out of the 12months. But you know what made it easy? The thought of spending time with people I didn't really like repulses me. The small talk that would probably give me rashes & the bragging conversations that I won't have anything to contribute. So I thought better stay in my cabin ~ alone with my thoughts and food while watching movies/series.
Socializing was also limited throughout this year. I've chosen whom to meet & surround myself with, especially during my vacation. Not that I dislike meeting new people but my goal was to regain confidence & self-esteem. Being with people who already know me, I need not have to keep watch of what I'm saying or doing and even if I do get carried away I know they'd criticize me with fondness or be just plain brutal, but with a hint of care.
I ushered 2016 drunk, heavy in tears, & literally screaming, "I don't want this anymore!!!" Real life drama at its finest. This is why this year became a time for healing as well. I chose to be solitary not only because I'm socially-imbalanced, but I know that being with others would distract me to face the pain and try to answer the questions that I had in my mind. That was a bad habit of mind and I don't want to fall into my own trap. With the help of my core, I picked myself up in the first two months and by then I decided to let go and trust myself. Sure, I slip from time to time. There were even moments that I start back to square one and without my friends I had no choice but to face it head on. I'd like to think that as I write this - I am feeling better that I had a year before.
I want to say that I became a better person after this period of self-discovery, but sad to say that I don't really have a gauge for it. What I did notice is that when I came home after my contract-cum-retreat, I realized that I can muscle life with just a few people in my life. Of whom I can trust, care for, & be really comfortable being around with. No negativity, drama, & explanations. Chill. I am so comfortable being alone that it is all what my system know and it's scary.
So that was it for my recap. It wasn't as colorful as I want it to be but it sure has its own luminescent months and I am thankful for those. Looking forward to a brighter year ahead.