(no subject)
"You can't walk alone. ...In that dress, you can't walk alone." Those words had startled and confused me, but I understand now what he meant. You look beautiful. What if someone takes you?
"What are your favorite things? I want to take a picture of you with them." I'll be going away for a long time. I want to see you happy.
"If a Native American guy asks you to be his girlfriend, what would you say?" Will you wait for me?
"I'm not the type of person that looks at girls..." I only want you.
Everything has at last been set into place, and I'm so relieved. It's laughable, really. Our timing. He loved me, but then there was Cameron. "I was sad that you had a boyfriend." And then I started calling him "Nii-chan" - brother. "That made me sad, too. 'Nii-chan' can't be a boyfriend or a guy friend," he admitted sheepishly.
And as I teared up, choked up, and shook, he sat there. Patiently waiting. It's hard. It's so hard. My mind is all jumbled.
"Jumbled?" A word not in his English vocabulary. It means that my words are scattered, and it's hard to put them together. I don't know where to start. I want to think carefully, because these words are important.
"Important?" Yes, just like you are to me. It's so difficult. Your feelings are very important to me.
"Yours are, too." If you can be happy, then I can be, too. I...have strong feelings for you.
"Strong feelings?" I love you. I'm afraid to say that. I'm afraid to scare you. I don't want to scare you. My sister, my support leans over and whispers, He won't reject you. I talked to him. Three words - they're pretty popular. Come on, you can do it.
"You have a good friend." I know. I know. I don't have the courage to do this alone. I'm sorry that I'm so weak.
Words. Words that I can't remember clearly. I was shaking too much, my heart was racing much too fast. "...In this situation...I'm going back to Japan. For me, I want to get married as soon as possible. But you're a freshman-sophomore right now. Maybe when you graduate... But I don't know God's plan for your future marriage. Maybe it's me, maybe not. I don't know." Underlying messages. I would have laughed if my throat weren't so dry. I wanted to laugh. At my pitiful self, at us, at this whole situation. But I couldn't because I was too afraid. Still, I understood what he was trying to say.
Wait for me...please. If no one else has captured your heart when I come back, you were meant for me.
"I'll pray for your future marriage." I will pray for yours, too. Silence. So much agonizing silence. You know, my boyfriends were always jealous of you.
"Really? Why?" They thought she paid more attention to you than to them. I finally manage to smile. Yeah.
"I remember when we went to DC..." I was already in love with you, then. But you had a boyfriend and called me 'older brother.' And the age difference...of course I hesitated. I forgot what I said. Something about Dad and Mom knowing.
"[Your dad] knows? [He] knows?" Yes. I tell my parents everything. I wanted his approval. He thinks of you as a son, you know.
"And [your mom]?" Yes. "[She] knows?" YES. My entire family knows. My sisters, my girls, Cameron and Luke. They all know. He seemed panicked.
More talking about the future that we cannot know. "Are you sad?" No. No, of course not. Even if you had rejected me and said that those feelings had long ago disappeared, I wouldn't be sad. Remember? I said that if you're happy, I can be, too.
"Maybe when I get to Japan, I can reflect..." Yes. Later, once you've settled. Please try to focus on your life. I'm insignificant. There are more important things for you to take care of.
"Thank you. I'm grateful for your feelings." I love you, too, but the timing is bad. I'm sorry.
It was early. None of us got much sleep. I kept trying to get him to go, but he refused, saying he wasn't tired. I was supposed to be up for church in two hours. Mom woke me up, but I rolled back over until 10. I kept my eyes shut, despite not being sleepy anymore. I remembered.
I told him...barely. How would this change things? I went upstairs to prepare. He smiled cheerfully, and greeted me. "Good morning!" I managed a smile. Good morning. Nothing changed. We went back to acting the same way we had always acted. Except things were different. I made breakfast. "Thank you," he smiled. Only the two of us knew the double meaning in that. We ate in silence.
He took a lot of pictures of me in those final hours. I understood. I will look at these, and my heart will remember your face.
"You're very photogenic." A casual remark. Damn, we're good at this. We sat in the same room on our laptops in silence, again. My phone buzzed constantly. People wanted to know. They asked questions, and I told them. If I laughed, he asked me why. I think he was happy to see me smile again. Last night was heavy. And he said that he liked to be serious with the one he loved, but also silly.
The serious was over, and naturally, he thought silly should follow. It'd make for better memories, anyway. But there was something different in his eyes. Sometimes I avoided them, by mistake. They watched me more carefully, now. Took in my every movement, made sure that he knew what part of the room I was in. They stared, and I pretended not to see them.
In the end, I'm content just to know that he loves me. Our timing with each other is hilarious. Anyway, I'll wait for him, and trust God.
"What are your favorite things? I want to take a picture of you with them." I'll be going away for a long time. I want to see you happy.
"If a Native American guy asks you to be his girlfriend, what would you say?" Will you wait for me?
"I'm not the type of person that looks at girls..." I only want you.
Everything has at last been set into place, and I'm so relieved. It's laughable, really. Our timing. He loved me, but then there was Cameron. "I was sad that you had a boyfriend." And then I started calling him "Nii-chan" - brother. "That made me sad, too. 'Nii-chan' can't be a boyfriend or a guy friend," he admitted sheepishly.
And as I teared up, choked up, and shook, he sat there. Patiently waiting. It's hard. It's so hard. My mind is all jumbled.
"Jumbled?" A word not in his English vocabulary. It means that my words are scattered, and it's hard to put them together. I don't know where to start. I want to think carefully, because these words are important.
"Important?" Yes, just like you are to me. It's so difficult. Your feelings are very important to me.
"Yours are, too." If you can be happy, then I can be, too. I...have strong feelings for you.
"Strong feelings?" I love you. I'm afraid to say that. I'm afraid to scare you. I don't want to scare you. My sister, my support leans over and whispers, He won't reject you. I talked to him. Three words - they're pretty popular. Come on, you can do it.
"You have a good friend." I know. I know. I don't have the courage to do this alone. I'm sorry that I'm so weak.
Words. Words that I can't remember clearly. I was shaking too much, my heart was racing much too fast. "...In this situation...I'm going back to Japan. For me, I want to get married as soon as possible. But you're a freshman-sophomore right now. Maybe when you graduate... But I don't know God's plan for your future marriage. Maybe it's me, maybe not. I don't know." Underlying messages. I would have laughed if my throat weren't so dry. I wanted to laugh. At my pitiful self, at us, at this whole situation. But I couldn't because I was too afraid. Still, I understood what he was trying to say.
Wait for me...please. If no one else has captured your heart when I come back, you were meant for me.
"I'll pray for your future marriage." I will pray for yours, too. Silence. So much agonizing silence. You know, my boyfriends were always jealous of you.
"Really? Why?" They thought she paid more attention to you than to them. I finally manage to smile. Yeah.
"I remember when we went to DC..." I was already in love with you, then. But you had a boyfriend and called me 'older brother.' And the age difference...of course I hesitated. I forgot what I said. Something about Dad and Mom knowing.
"[Your dad] knows? [He] knows?" Yes. I tell my parents everything. I wanted his approval. He thinks of you as a son, you know.
"And [your mom]?" Yes. "[She] knows?" YES. My entire family knows. My sisters, my girls, Cameron and Luke. They all know. He seemed panicked.
More talking about the future that we cannot know. "Are you sad?" No. No, of course not. Even if you had rejected me and said that those feelings had long ago disappeared, I wouldn't be sad. Remember? I said that if you're happy, I can be, too.
"Maybe when I get to Japan, I can reflect..." Yes. Later, once you've settled. Please try to focus on your life. I'm insignificant. There are more important things for you to take care of.
"Thank you. I'm grateful for your feelings." I love you, too, but the timing is bad. I'm sorry.
It was early. None of us got much sleep. I kept trying to get him to go, but he refused, saying he wasn't tired. I was supposed to be up for church in two hours. Mom woke me up, but I rolled back over until 10. I kept my eyes shut, despite not being sleepy anymore. I remembered.
I told him...barely. How would this change things? I went upstairs to prepare. He smiled cheerfully, and greeted me. "Good morning!" I managed a smile. Good morning. Nothing changed. We went back to acting the same way we had always acted. Except things were different. I made breakfast. "Thank you," he smiled. Only the two of us knew the double meaning in that. We ate in silence.
He took a lot of pictures of me in those final hours. I understood. I will look at these, and my heart will remember your face.
"You're very photogenic." A casual remark. Damn, we're good at this. We sat in the same room on our laptops in silence, again. My phone buzzed constantly. People wanted to know. They asked questions, and I told them. If I laughed, he asked me why. I think he was happy to see me smile again. Last night was heavy. And he said that he liked to be serious with the one he loved, but also silly.
The serious was over, and naturally, he thought silly should follow. It'd make for better memories, anyway. But there was something different in his eyes. Sometimes I avoided them, by mistake. They watched me more carefully, now. Took in my every movement, made sure that he knew what part of the room I was in. They stared, and I pretended not to see them.
In the end, I'm content just to know that he loves me. Our timing with each other is hilarious. Anyway, I'll wait for him, and trust God.