Only when the night is darkest can you see the stars -MLK Jr.
What is the significance of names? Uttering just one name can send you back in time, can send your delicate sensibilities into a high of such magnitude that you think you are losing your goddamned mind. Do you hear a name and wonder if there is someone else out there that can live up to that name you place to the face that's a 3rd degree burn on your memory? Good or bad?
There is only one man named Pete. There is only one named Louie. There is only one Billy. And there was only one Shawn...my father. When I met my current boyfriend Shawn, I nearly walked away from him just because he shared that name with my father. That name holds so much resentment and childhood pain that he cannot possibly understand. Yet I am holding him accountable for what he doesn't understand just because of his name. Since September I have let it go and I don't have any problems with his name, but it seemed so important then.
Theresa told me tonight that she was going to have her daughter's middle name be "Sage" after my unborn son, out of respect to me. I was honored. I don't know why she would do that but it really touched me and made me realize just how much she does care about me and what happened. She says that she thinks about Sage all of the time and how awesome it would be to have my son and her daughter play together...and how sad she is for me that I lost my child when she was blessed with hers. It made me happy to have her talk about my son. To make him important even though he's not here. That made me feel less alone.
I'm on day 6 of just clear liquids and I will eat something soon. I've already thought about it and I'm going to go with a sesame bagel at Panera. I figured that if I make that meal important I won't ruin it with eating crap later on. If I get back into bad eating habits I'll have to start the whole clear liquids thing all over again. I feel like I'm finally gaining control over my life again with taking control over my body. It feels good.
Last Saturday I was hit by a drunk driver going about 75 mph. I was only going 55 thankfully, and I wasn't really hurt. She was a hit and run. She hit me, drove me off the road, wrecked the passenger side of my Mazda Tribute, and then drove off. I chased her down until I memorized her plate number and then turned back to hippiefest in Chillicothe (Summer Camp and 3 sisters park) and flagged a state cop. It's all been taken care of since then. They found her, her insurance company finally had to go to her house since she was running from them too, and they claimed liability THANK GOD. So tomorrow I have more follow ups with the doctor and the collision repair center...I get my rental car too. So, between getting to weigh-in for the first time since the liquid diet, getting my car in to be fixed finally, getting my thumb and leg checked out (only 2 things that still hurt), and getting to eat solid food !!! again...it will be a really good day. I'm excited :)