Mother, you have to realise that I am a hot, horny woman.
It's that time of year again. My body, mind and soul all screamed for mercy in unison, but I had to do it. Fortunately, I learned a little twelve somethings along the way. Without further ado:
Life Lessons Learned from the 2005 V 24 Hour Movie Marathon
Life Lessons Learned from the 2005 V 24 Hour Movie Marathon
- The Descent
If your husband is skewered through the head in a freak accident, it's because he was sleeping with your super-hot best friend. Karma just works that way. Do not ask questions, do not trust hyperactive Irish girls and definitely do not go caving. - The Devil's Rejects
If Rob Zombie's super-hot wife approaches you at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere and implies that she would like to give you oral pleasure free of charge, you are insane for even waiting around to let her finish her sentence. You might as well just bludgeon yourself to death right here and now. - The New Adventures Of Snow White
It is worth hacking off parts of your own foot for a chance to marry a mulletted prince. Cows do not like it when humans suckle their udders. If you add a prosthetic nose to a stunningly beautiful woman, even bears will shun her sexual advances. - Saw II
If you leave New Kids On The Block to become a crooked detective estranged from your only son, you deserve to get dicked around my a serial killer. Loser. - The Christine Jorgensen Story
If a hooker is offering smorgasbord for a measly ten bucks, you go for it, no matter how gay you are. She was right to laugh at you, nancy-boy. Sign any contract that is put in front of you, even if is in Danish. Nothing makes boys hotter than the world's first ever post-op transsexual. - Confessions Of A Young American Housewife
Fool, your mother is hot and has the biggest tits in the world! If you're feeling insecure, it's probably not the sharpest move to invite her along to your daily group sex marathons. Also, if you walk in the park all day and have sex all night, you will never get fat, even if you are constantly eating when (a) walking in the park, and (b) having sex all night. - Breakdance
A sassy Latino girl in a bright yellow bomber jacket is an invaluable addition to any high-tension dance-off. Boys who wear long, dangly, feathered earrings will never get the girl, but they may make it to Broadway if they keep practising their totally heterosexual Street Jazz. - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The five seconds before your dream sexual encounter is NOT the best time to reveal torrid secrets from your youth. Pissing on a corpse will only make your life more complicated. Life always works out well for gay detectives, petty thieves and Abraham Lincoln. - Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny & Girly
If you are seductively kidnapped by a two children of indeterminate age who then murder your wife, leaving you trapped in their creepy house with creepily numbered rooms, have sex with all the women in the house in order to escape. Failing this, turn yourself upside down and start talking backwards until nobody cares anymore. - Fight For Your Life
If you are going to break out of prison, make sure you take hostage the only family of jive-talking coon niggers in the world who are too stupid to take you down at any given opportunity. Small boys are easily bludgeoned to death with blunt rocks, just as hot blondes will easily discard their clothes if you chase them through the forest for five seconds. - The Exorcism Of Emily Rose
Angry demons only ever plague nervous semi-believers who live alone. Judges will often take a jury's recommendation when sentencing a prisoner. Ordering a drink and then leaving the bar before you receive it is very, very hip. - John Carpenter's The Thing
Norwegians are not to be trusted. If slimy mutated monsters start eating all your friends, stick with Kurt Russell. Nothing is going to want to eat its way through that mullet.