Enough is not enough

[chelseabun]

My weekend was mostly taken up by movies. Thirteen movies, to be precise - and that doesn't count Scary Movie, which I watched once I got home. From 8pm Saturday through to 8pm Sunday I was holed up in a small, gradually smellier hall with a funtime group of movie fanatics. Shucks, it was like family!

I even managed to score myself a free pair of lime-green pyjamas by acting like a complete dick on stage. Or was I an asshole? Or a pussy? I lost the definition in the blur of the many films that followed the lesson. Never mind. With the information that remains intact, I can now present you with:

Life Lessons Learned from the 2004 V 24 Hour Movie Marathon

1. The Creeping Terror
   When being approached by a deadly creature moving approximately 0.2 kilometres an hour, remaining frozen with terror will still get you eaten. If you are having trouble being digested, give a little kick and you'll soon wriggle in.
2. Napoleon Dynamite
   When life is really getting you down and there seems no way out, find yourself an Internet bride called LaFawnduh. She'll fix everything.
3. Team America: World Police
   Look around you. If you are on the same side as a Baldwin, you're on the wrong side. Also: oral sex solves all major international crises. Don't believe me? Try it yourself.
4. Saw
   First check the cistern, THEN check the toilet bowl. If in doubt, cut your foot off. It's quicker.
5. Toys Are Not For Children
   Don't be surprised when your long-estranged father gets mad after you trick him into having sex with you. If you are surprised, you are probably crazy and should push him out a window.
6. Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
   Don't become involved with your eloquent and educated British boss. If you do, he will become obsessed with flowers and try to kill you and all of your friends.
7. Guyana: Crime of the Century
   When roughly 900 people around you are taking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid with a view to mass suicide, don't even bother trying to fake your own death. The other dead people are sure to notice your shallow breathing and make a specatacle of you.
8. Paparazzi
   What did I tell you about the Baldwins? Idiot.
9. Fangs
   Little-known fact: if your sole sexual satisfaction comes with being fiddled with by snakes, despite being propositioned by the fat grocer boy and his fat lesbian sister - you're gonna die.
10. Psychout for Murder
    If you want to kill your sister, don't go for the direct approach. Simply sleep with her husband and make sure she catches you. She'll do the job for you within minutes!
11. Spooked
    The WTC disaster could have easily been prevented if ex-Shortland Street stars had acted sooner. Snigger.
12. Curse of Bigfoot
    Little-known fact: the Curse of Bigfoot is in fact that he can walk at a rate of one pace every 2.7 minutes. Not very exciting, but a curse all the same.
13. Return of the Living Dead
    If the Army accidentally sends you dozens of dead bodies in barrels, don't tell them about it. Simply hold onto them for seventeen years then activate the zombies while showing them off. The Army will then take care of the zombies - and your entire state - with shitloads of C4. And I don't mean music television.

We are both shattered. Richard is back at work and has over-caffeinated himself in order to get through the day. The following email is the result:

-----Original Message-----
From: Harrison, Richard [mailto:Richard.Harrison@aucklandcity.govt.nz]
Sent: Monday, 1 November 2004 1:45 p.m.
To: 'David Byrne'; Chelsea Wintle
Subject: RE: if you really loved me, you'd let me eat your BRAINS

I had two Vs and two Jump pills for breakfast. I'm typing around 15 billion
words per minute but only hitting the right keys about once in every four
tries. Can't go near the mouse as it won't stay on the screen.

As an additional side effect, I'm chatty as all hell and INCREDIBLY
hilarious. Cracking myself up something fierce. People at work are
laughing on the inside. Mostly while they back away slowly.

WHICH IS NO USE BECAUSE I CAN RUN FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF
SOUND!!!ARHARHARHAR!
-----

Tonight, it's off to the Playhouse for drinky-drinks with singaporegirl and dobworld and, with some luck, freak_. I'm looking forward to it, especially for the good company. But especially for the wedges.

More from Richard:

-----Original Message-----
From: Harrison, Richard [mailto:Richard.Harrison@aucklandcity.govt.nz]
Sent: Monday, 1 November 2004 2:49 p.m.
To: 'David Byrne'; Chelsea Wintle
Subject: RE: if you really loved me, you'd let me eat your BRAINS

I think the Anacondas thing could be a life lesson if thinking was possible.
I just spent about 40 seconds trying to use the word 'impervious' when I
wanted to say 'possible'. I was thinking:

ME: What's that word when it means something can be done?
BRAIN: IMPERVIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: No, brain, that's not right. Impervious means...something else. About
being solid or something?
BRAIN: IMPERMEABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: No, stay on target, brain. That's about rain water. Like in the
Amazon. With anacondas and shit. Where was I?
----

Ahem. Yes.