Should I Just Give Up?

Oct 14, 2009 23:07

It amazes me that even when I don’t feel You here, You are indeed here.  And although I don’t really know it at the time, when I look back, I see Your fingerprints in all that happened.  I guess it is good to know that You are such a part of me that I can’t escape You…You are always right here beside me.  I think sometimes You just long to teach me that You are not a feeling.  Feelings come and go and change all the times in between.  You, however, are the same yesterday, today, and forever…and just the fact that You are always here proves that. I see two choices in front of me.  One says, “I can’t feel You, You aren’t really there.”  The other says, “I can’t feel You, I’m not sure you are really there, but I choose to love and follow You anyway.”  I need to be willing to follow You with a blind faith sometimes…when I can’t feel You, that is almost as blind faith to me.

You made me this girl…this girl who needs to feel something to really feel loved…but You also developed my thresholds.  You know better than anyone, including myself, what I can handle and what I can’t handle.  I have set for myself a set of boundaries where You are concerned.  But You desire to live beyond those boundaries…because those boundaries are only what I can see and feel comfortable with.  You are constantly stretching out of them and bending them, and in general, just annihilating them.  That, to me, is a very scary thing because then I am put in situations where I don’t know what is going to happen…I can’t predict anything anymore.

So again, I am faced with two choices…do I run from that stretching and put You back into Your boundaries set by me?  Or do I free fall into Your arms and trust that You know what You are doing by going beyond my human-set boundaries? There is no fear in love…You are love…there is no fear in You.  So why am I so afraid?  How do I get to that point of reckless abandonment?  It’s kind of funny, I can’t really use the analogy of jumping off the top of a mountain into Your arms, because that’s not when it’s so hard to jump.  It’s hardest to jump when I am in the middle of the mountain and can’t even see the top…when I’m in the tangle of trees and trudging through snow as deep as I am tall…that’s when it’s hard to jump.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know God wants to see me happy, but it's just too hard to stay that way. It causes more pain than being depressed. Sometimes I just want to get life over with. When will it ever end?

confused, sad, life, god, lonely

Previous post Next post
Up