The Moody Blues
There is definitely nothing neat and tidy about life. Not mine anyway. In fact, it probably looks like a big city where hurricane Katrina ripped in and destroyed everything. At one point, it seemed to be built on a sturdy, reliable foundation. But then came along the hurricane and ever since, its been a mess that seems to follow no logical path and leaves my hopes and dreams scattered like victims on the highway.
It truly does make the heart sick when hope is lost. In fact, earlier this week I seriously wondered if it was possible for a human heart to simply burst. Seems to me that would be far more managable than dealing with the pain of hope deferred. I feel such a heaviness in my heart that actually makes me want to clutch it and call a doctor. But what will a doctor do? Tell me to relieve my stress? Send me off with the news that my heart is in healthy condition? No one understands what I'm going through. No one will ever be able to.
To be told once again, "Wait," is the last thing on earth I want to hear - especially when the words, "Ok, now it is time," may never actually come.
I've had a few longings fulfilled along the way...just enough to keep me going. And it is a breath of fresh air after sitting in a smokey room.
However, right now, I'm learning to deal with the brokenness of this life. I can't spiritualize it, it just really sucks sometimes. A lot of times, if I'm going to be honest here. Things don't turn out the way we hope or plan. Plan A fails. Then plan B fails. We have a long alphabet, so you get the idea. I know in my head that God knows what He is doing, but when hope is continually deferred, one starts to lose the hope of a longing fulfilled. And that is a murderous heartache.
Is God still good? I can't answer that right now. I know the "Jesus answer", but in the rawness of pain, the "Jesus answer" just doesn't cut it. It is a bloody mess of a struggle.
Life is messy. Heartache is inevitable. So I guess the darker the night, the brighter the stars. Or something like that. Ugh.
It truly does make the heart sick when hope is lost. In fact, earlier this week I seriously wondered if it was possible for a human heart to simply burst. Seems to me that would be far more managable than dealing with the pain of hope deferred. I feel such a heaviness in my heart that actually makes me want to clutch it and call a doctor. But what will a doctor do? Tell me to relieve my stress? Send me off with the news that my heart is in healthy condition? No one understands what I'm going through. No one will ever be able to.
To be told once again, "Wait," is the last thing on earth I want to hear - especially when the words, "Ok, now it is time," may never actually come.
I've had a few longings fulfilled along the way...just enough to keep me going. And it is a breath of fresh air after sitting in a smokey room.
However, right now, I'm learning to deal with the brokenness of this life. I can't spiritualize it, it just really sucks sometimes. A lot of times, if I'm going to be honest here. Things don't turn out the way we hope or plan. Plan A fails. Then plan B fails. We have a long alphabet, so you get the idea. I know in my head that God knows what He is doing, but when hope is continually deferred, one starts to lose the hope of a longing fulfilled. And that is a murderous heartache.
Is God still good? I can't answer that right now. I know the "Jesus answer", but in the rawness of pain, the "Jesus answer" just doesn't cut it. It is a bloody mess of a struggle.
Life is messy. Heartache is inevitable. So I guess the darker the night, the brighter the stars. Or something like that. Ugh.