1 Year Later...
Depression has always been a part of my life. I think it always will.
It saddens me that I'm still going through this, five years later from my last entry. I guess it wasn't a teenage angst issue. Something really is wrong with the way my mind works.
This year and the end of last year were absolutely traumatic for me. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I have reached the point of no return. I'm not the same person I used to be. Even when I was miserable in my teen years, I had hope. Now I have none. I have experienced so much fear, anxiety, doubt, confusion, anger and sadness. And from the outside, my life is really not so bad. I still have my health, my family, my home, my job, many things to be grateful for...but my mind is in complete chaos.
I could still go to school if I wanted to. I could make friends if I wanted to. I could do anything if I wanted to.
I just don't want to.
I don't want to do anything. Well, I kind of just want to sleep. I refuse to go back to school. I refuse to get close to anyone. I've lost interest in dancing and writing. I feel like I'm losing my faith. I honestly don't care. I have exhausted myself by caring.
In one of my previous entries, I said I wasn't going to commit suicide. But four or five years later, the possibility doesn't sound as ludacris as it once did. I don't see any reason to go on. At this point, I'm just living waiting to die. Fear is the only thing that is stopping me. Not love for my family or love for God. Fear. My reason for not wanting to kill myself is just as selfish as the reason why I'm thinking about it in the first place. I truly am a disgusting human being. And stupid and worthless. The fact that there are so many "I's" and "Me's" in this post proves how selfish I am. But no matter how much I want to die, I'm still afraid of dying. So I think I will just wait...with so much going on in the world, I probably won't have to wait long.
It takes a lot of effort to smile, laugh and talk so I can convince people that I'm okay. I've never been an attention seeker. I keep majority of my feelings to myself. I know I'm probably going to explode one day from keeping all this junk in. It's just easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why I'm sad. I'm so good at pretending that I'm able to trick myself into believing I'm happy for a few hours...then I come home, and I'm forced to listen to those thoughts in my head. I can't believe that I'm almost 21, and I have only gotten deeper into my depression. I look back on my old posts...I can't believe that was me. Yes, I was sad back then too, but it was never to the extent it is now. I still had hope for the future, hope in God. If only I knew back then how things would turn out.
I have no one to blame but myself. I let it go too far. Now there isn't any hope for me. I'm not interested in happiness anymore. My only wish is that I was never born.
For those of you with depression, I truly, truly feel for you. I wish I could say something to you that could make it all better.
It saddens me that I'm still going through this, five years later from my last entry. I guess it wasn't a teenage angst issue. Something really is wrong with the way my mind works.
This year and the end of last year were absolutely traumatic for me. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I have reached the point of no return. I'm not the same person I used to be. Even when I was miserable in my teen years, I had hope. Now I have none. I have experienced so much fear, anxiety, doubt, confusion, anger and sadness. And from the outside, my life is really not so bad. I still have my health, my family, my home, my job, many things to be grateful for...but my mind is in complete chaos.
I could still go to school if I wanted to. I could make friends if I wanted to. I could do anything if I wanted to.
I just don't want to.
I don't want to do anything. Well, I kind of just want to sleep. I refuse to go back to school. I refuse to get close to anyone. I've lost interest in dancing and writing. I feel like I'm losing my faith. I honestly don't care. I have exhausted myself by caring.
In one of my previous entries, I said I wasn't going to commit suicide. But four or five years later, the possibility doesn't sound as ludacris as it once did. I don't see any reason to go on. At this point, I'm just living waiting to die. Fear is the only thing that is stopping me. Not love for my family or love for God. Fear. My reason for not wanting to kill myself is just as selfish as the reason why I'm thinking about it in the first place. I truly am a disgusting human being. And stupid and worthless. The fact that there are so many "I's" and "Me's" in this post proves how selfish I am. But no matter how much I want to die, I'm still afraid of dying. So I think I will just wait...with so much going on in the world, I probably won't have to wait long.
It takes a lot of effort to smile, laugh and talk so I can convince people that I'm okay. I've never been an attention seeker. I keep majority of my feelings to myself. I know I'm probably going to explode one day from keeping all this junk in. It's just easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why I'm sad. I'm so good at pretending that I'm able to trick myself into believing I'm happy for a few hours...then I come home, and I'm forced to listen to those thoughts in my head. I can't believe that I'm almost 21, and I have only gotten deeper into my depression. I look back on my old posts...I can't believe that was me. Yes, I was sad back then too, but it was never to the extent it is now. I still had hope for the future, hope in God. If only I knew back then how things would turn out.
I have no one to blame but myself. I let it go too far. Now there isn't any hope for me. I'm not interested in happiness anymore. My only wish is that I was never born.
For those of you with depression, I truly, truly feel for you. I wish I could say something to you that could make it all better.