Agh
I'm in an odd sort of mood, set off by my poli sci class tonight.
Allow me to explain. You may or may not remember a Ukranian politician named Yushchenko who was poisoned supposedly by rivals (never proven) a few years ago. (http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/world/20041212-0649-yushchenko-health.html if you don't remember this) He was briefly discussed in class, as an example of organized violence within a state (the poisoning, not him). My professor, in an attempt to express disgust at whoever poisoned the man like that, said "He will never look human again."
Now, I completely understand the spirit in which this comment was meant. But it got me thinking. What does my professor consider "looking human"? I mean, the guy looks bad, but it's not like you can't identify him as a human being. What exactly looks human? Do I? Would I have looked human back when my skin was worse? What about the people at camp? Do they look human?
It's simple innocent comments like these that can set me off, and can destroy many long hard years of convincing myself that my skin isn't that noticable, that no one cares. Yes, some people don't care (especially now that it looks better). But hearing things like this, I know that people do notice. And it makes me remember all the times that I looked in the mirror and didn't see someone normal, someone human. I've fought so hard to get rid of that, and it can all come crashing back with one little meaningless phrase that's not even connected to me.
But sometimes it just makes me want to say Fuck you to the world. Fuck you and your "normal". Do you know what sort of damage it does to people like me? How can you ever be healthy psychologically when you're constantly told you're not normal, you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, you're everything we don't want to be? It's not even a conscious message....it's just in little things. Like lotion commercials. They make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. "Oh poor Susie and her itchy dry skin" Oh yeah, Fuck you Susie, You at least look normal. Where does that leave me if your situation sucks so badly? I hate it because no one means to do this to me (nowadays....when I was little is another story) but it still happens and there's nothing the fuck I can do about it. And I just wish it would all go away.
Sometimes it does. Most of the time now I barely even notice. But then something like this happens. And it brings it all back. I hate being hurt by it because I know it wasn't meant to hurt. I dont' want to call people on it, because I'll make them feel bad for something they didn't even realize they were doing. People aren't even aware that this sort of thing can be an issue. Which is why I hate being set off by it. There's no need for all of us to feel bad about it.
I just wish I could ignore it and make it go away.
Allow me to explain. You may or may not remember a Ukranian politician named Yushchenko who was poisoned supposedly by rivals (never proven) a few years ago. (http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/world/20041212-0649-yushchenko-health.html if you don't remember this) He was briefly discussed in class, as an example of organized violence within a state (the poisoning, not him). My professor, in an attempt to express disgust at whoever poisoned the man like that, said "He will never look human again."
Now, I completely understand the spirit in which this comment was meant. But it got me thinking. What does my professor consider "looking human"? I mean, the guy looks bad, but it's not like you can't identify him as a human being. What exactly looks human? Do I? Would I have looked human back when my skin was worse? What about the people at camp? Do they look human?
It's simple innocent comments like these that can set me off, and can destroy many long hard years of convincing myself that my skin isn't that noticable, that no one cares. Yes, some people don't care (especially now that it looks better). But hearing things like this, I know that people do notice. And it makes me remember all the times that I looked in the mirror and didn't see someone normal, someone human. I've fought so hard to get rid of that, and it can all come crashing back with one little meaningless phrase that's not even connected to me.
But sometimes it just makes me want to say Fuck you to the world. Fuck you and your "normal". Do you know what sort of damage it does to people like me? How can you ever be healthy psychologically when you're constantly told you're not normal, you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, you're everything we don't want to be? It's not even a conscious message....it's just in little things. Like lotion commercials. They make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. "Oh poor Susie and her itchy dry skin" Oh yeah, Fuck you Susie, You at least look normal. Where does that leave me if your situation sucks so badly? I hate it because no one means to do this to me (nowadays....when I was little is another story) but it still happens and there's nothing the fuck I can do about it. And I just wish it would all go away.
Sometimes it does. Most of the time now I barely even notice. But then something like this happens. And it brings it all back. I hate being hurt by it because I know it wasn't meant to hurt. I dont' want to call people on it, because I'll make them feel bad for something they didn't even realize they were doing. People aren't even aware that this sort of thing can be an issue. Which is why I hate being set off by it. There's no need for all of us to feel bad about it.
I just wish I could ignore it and make it go away.